


Counting Stars

by YumeNouveau



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bathing/Washing, Dementors, Gay, Grimmauld Place, Long Hair, Longing, M/M, Masturbation, Masturbation in Shower, Order of the Phoenix (Harry Potter), Scars, Trauma, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-31
Updated: 2018-09-14
Packaged: 2018-12-09 03:58:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 43,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11661174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YumeNouveau/pseuds/YumeNouveau
Summary: After over a year since their fateful reunion under the horrible full moon, Sirius was finally coming home to London, but Remus would soon discover that he wasn't the only one with new scars.   Sirius may pretend he's the same after Azkaban, but his wounds go deep and it will take a lot of time, patience, and maybe even some words that Remus vowed he'd never confess to his best friend to heal them both.Each chapter will switch between Remus' and Sirius' POV, hope you enjoy! (Will be rated Explicit for later chapters)*** 2018 Shrieking Shack Society Marauder's Medal Award Winning Fic!  Tied for second place for 'Best Remus' ***





	1. Chapter 1

 

Remus had never seen anything as heartbreaking as the moment Sirius Black stepped into his ancestral home for the first time in fifteen years. The look of complete resignation as the bedraggled man walked over the threshold of 12 Grimmauld place, like he’d given up the last piece of himself and had finally become the hollow shell the Dementors so longed for him to become.

The day had not started out quite so grim. Remus had received his daily letter from Sirius, who had remained in hiding with Buckbeak ever since his rescue by Harry over a year before, and for once it had actually been filled with good news. Though Sirius had long kept his location a secret, even from Remus, Dumbledore had finally thought it time for refugee to begin his return to the wizarding world. Remus had smiled down at the scrawled words upon the wrinkled parchment, overcome with happiness that finally he would get to see his old friend again. He had not set eyes upon Sirius since that fateful full moon when everything had all gone so horribly wrong. The night that could have spelled Sirius’ release and pardon for crimes he hadn’t committed-- if not for Remus. He blamed himself daily. So many “if onlys” plagued his mind, so many apologies written then erased upon parchment, so many moments where he wished pain and suffering upon himself for what he had done.

And suffer he did. Alone, jobless, without direction, his days were pitiful and depressing, the only light in them the occasional visit from Dumbledore and the daily letters received from Sirius. It was not an over exaggeration to state that they were the only thing keeping him going, that gave him hope. Things were just so bleak in this world--a world for which his friends had given their lives and the very enemy they had thought to have destroyed was back and attempting to regain power once more. But Sirius’s letters, filled with hope and light to fill the darkness that had been his life for the last thirteen years, were his everything.

This morning a tap on his window had signified the arrival of Sirius’ letter in the clutches of a very wild brown owl Remus had dubbed Bludger. Once he had eaten his fill of bread crumbs, Bludger begrudgingly handed over the letter and flapped happily away to whatever far reaches he had journeyed from. Remus had unrolled the slightly rumpled parchment and smiled. Sirius was finally coming back. He was to arrive at dusk, so as not to draw too much attention, which Remus deemed well-advised. Also he had a craving for french toast. Remus took the hint.

After spending all of two minutes tidying his already immaculate flat, Remas ran to the muggle grocery store and splurged the meager allowance that Dumbledore gave him after quitting, on bread, eggs, maple syrup, and powdered sugar for his friend. Then he went home to wait. Shadows began to stretch across the floor, and Remus read the same page in his book over and over, his mind racing with too many thoughts to concentrate.

Sirius was returning, but what would he be like? The Sirius he knew from before the war was jovial, sarcastic, full of mischief. Joining the Order had dimmed that light, making him more moody and jaded, so what had twelve years in Azkaban done to the man? Remus wanted to be there for him, whether it be a ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on, but would Sirius let him?

All the mistrust in the last few months before the Potters’ deaths, times in which neither man had known who to confide in when there was a spy within The Order, had taken their toll. When once Remus had considered Sirius his best friend, they had diverged, barely speaking sometimes while hardly civil in others. Remus didn’t blame Sirius though. The hurts that spewed from both their mouths, from a place of fear and mistrust in such dark times were theirs to share. They were both to blame. He just hoped that somewhere deep down Sirius--his Sirius--was still there and willing to let go of some of that part of their past and regrow their friendship. He was so tired of being alone.

As the light finally began to fade from the sky, turning the mirky grey of London twilight, there came a knock on Remus’ door. Jumping from his chair, his heart beating loudly in his chest, Remus attempted to make his way calmly to the door. There, his white hair and beard glowing yellow in the streetlight, stood Albus Dumbledore, and beside him a rather disheveled brown dog. Brown?

“Evening Dumbledore...er...Sirius?” Remus asked, cocking his head at the dog who gave him a wolfish grin.

“Quite right,” acknowledged the old professor, smiling down at the dog.

“Er, why is he brown? Wasn’t he black?”

“Why yes, Sirius Black I believe,” Dumbledore said matter of factly.

The dog made his way to Remus, nudging his muzzle into his hand and wagging his tail. “Padfoot, you’re covered in mud!” Remus sighed, running his hand through the dog’s fur. Padfoot then jumped upon Remus, sending the man crashing to the ground with a resounding thump.

“I’ll just leave you to it,” Dumbledore said, a twinkle in his eye. “See that he’s fed and then take him home. He knows where to go. I’ll contact you tomorrow Remus.” With that the elderly man turned on his heel, closing the door behind him before he disapparated away.

“Ugg,” Remus said, smiling as he attempted to push the happy mutt off of him. “You really are more mud than dog right now.”

With a flash Sirius appeared on the floor beside him, sadly no less dirty than his canine self. “I don’t know Moony, I rather like brown...Sirius Brown, has a nice ring to it don’t you think?”

“Hmm the Noble House of Brown…”

Sirius cracked a small smile. “I’ve missed you.”

Remus smiled too and ducked his head, rubbing the back of his neck bashfully. It was so odd after years of separation to really truly fathom that Sirius was there with him, sitting haphazardly on his floor. Though he longed to reach out, to catch Sirius in a tight hug, he still felt that distance between them. They had poured their emotions into many a letter, full of sorrow and regret, all the hurt and blame coming out and finding resolution upon the pages until both made peace. Yet here, in person, it was different. Harder. More real. Remus sighed. Emotions could wait.

“I bought stuff to make french…” Sirius’ eyes had already gone wide, “toast,” Remus finished, smiling. “But first I think a shower is in order.”

Sirius looked down at himself, his usual confidence flickering to embarrassment. “Sorry Remus, I really can’t tell you when my last proper bath was.”

Remus shook his head and got to his feet. “Don’t worry, really. Now follow me,” Remus said, leading the way into his tiny bathroom. “There’s clean clothes here, make use of whatever you need in the shower and I’ll get started on the toast.”

As Remus turned to close the bathroom door behind him, Sirius caught his arm. “Thank you, really.” The emotion in the other man’s words at this small, simple gesture of kindness was almost too painful.

“Of course,” Remus replied, swallowing back his own emotions, “What are friends for?”

With that he shut the door and made his way to the small kitchen, grabbed the groceries and started cooking. After a minute he heard the telltale sound of the water running in the shower and hoped it was cathartic for Sirius to wash away all the dirt and grime of his previous life in hiding. Well he was still in hiding. But at least now he could hide with Remus. If he even wanted that.

Remus sighed and ran a hand through his scraggly overly-long blond hair. How was he to figure out what Sirius wanted if he himself didn’t know what each day would bring? Everything was so tumultuous with Voldemort having regained physical form after the Triwizard Tournament and the Order of the Phoenix reforming after lying dormant for over a decade. Remus looked down at his ingredients. Life was like baking. Just one step at a time for everything. It was all he could do, all he could handle.

After fifteen minutes the pipes rattled as Sirius shut off the shower. Remus threw two slices of french toast in the pan, hoping the smell would bring Sirius to the table shortly. Just as Remus flipped the toast he heard the bathroom door open and out stepped Sirius. His black hair hung long, down to his waist in tangled waves, flowing over his thin shoulders. His eyes shown bright despite the dark circles under them, and the lack of dirt and mud made him look much closer to his actual age of thirty five. Sirius looked up at him and smiled.

“You look...much better,” Remus said swallowing. Though Sirius was still on the thin side, he must have been eating better than the last time Remus had set eyes on him. He no longer looked the gaunt, hollow man who had pleaded with him in the Shrieking Shack a year ago to believe in his innocence. He’d used Remus’ razor to shave off his beard and his sharp, clean jawline gave him back a piece of his lost youth.

“Thanks,” Sirius said, sitting down at the table as Remus brought over their food. “It’s nice to finally feel clean again. Don’t get me wrong, cavers are a big step up from Azkaban, but nothing beats a flat with a shower.”

Remus winced at the mention of Azkaban but Sirius had dug into his food and didn’t seem to notice. Every motion felt surreal, just picking up his fork, eating at his own table, all because Sirius was there with him. It was odd how a silence could be both comfortable and deafening. He hoped Sirius was more relaxed in his presence than he himself felt. Nothing and yet everything seemed right and he suddenly felt completely lost.

After finishing a slice Sirius looked back at Remus who only then realized he’d been staring and hadn’t touched his food.

“Something wrong?” Sirius asked warily.

What wasn’t wrong? Remus thought to himself. The only thing right in the world was that Sirius was finally here with him.

“No, it’s just...I haven’t seen you in so long. You still look so much the same, even after... everything.”

Sirius furrowed his brow and gave a sad smile. “I know what you mean. When we were writing letters, I still pictured you as I last saw you, well before last year that is...in your twenties,” he reached out a hand towards Remus’ face but pulled back before he touched him, “less scars.”

Remus winced. He hated his face, the thin scar that crossed one brow that loudly proclaimed his affliction to anyone who cared to notice. Which was everyone. “I’ve got more grey hairs too,” he said, attempting to draw attention away from his scars.

“I have no idea if I have any,” Sirius said, trying to run a hand through his overly-long hair. Wouldn’t let me cut it in Azkaban and I haven't had a wand since then either.”

“I kind of like it,” Remus said quietly. Sirius let out a sharp bark of laughter.

“You can help me brush it then.”

Remus didn’t want to let on that he was all to willing to take him up on the offer, so he changed the subject. “Can’t Dumbledore get you a new wand somehow?”

“Oh yeah,” Sirius said around another mouthful of food, “He’s bringing Ollivander by tomorrow, going to sneak him in with some wands for me to try.”

“Is there no chance of recovering your old wand?” Remus asked carefully.

“Nope. Snapped it in two they did. Right in front of my face before locking me up.”

“Oh,” Remus said, sorry to have brought it up.

Sirius shrugged. “Are you going to eat that?” he pointed to Remus’ untouched toast.

“Oh, sorry, by all means,” Remus pushed the plate toward his friend. Watching as the other man’s eyes lit up as he dug into his food, Remus smiled slightly. If he could give Sirius any joy after the horrors the other man had been through, he would do it. Whatever the cost. He sighed. Sirius had always had that effect on him, it was nothing new. And yet after thirteen years, it felt like they were completely different people yet he still walked the same lonely path behind Sirius.

“Sirius,” he said after a minute, “what did Dumbledore mean by ‘take you home?’”

Stabbing a spare bit of food, Sirius looked up into Remus’s amber eyes. He paused then set down his fork, bite untouched and let out a small sigh. “He didn’t tell you huh? That figures. Probably knew you’d argue it.”

“Argue with what?”

“He wants me to go back home. Grimmauld Place.”

“What?” Remus shouted, his eyes going wide. “That...that’s the last place you need to be!”

“Yeah,” Sirius said, a bit resigned as he started to push his toast around the plate, the syrup making trails against the white ceramic. “That’s pretty much what I told Dumbledore too. Thing is, Da may have been a nutter, but he was a bit of a genius at protection spells. No one can find me if I’m there. Plus Dumbledore wants to use it for Order meetings…”

“Sirius no! Please, you can stay here, we can ward this place to the gills! You can’t...it’s...I don’t want you to go back there.” Remus looked the other man in the eye, seeing his own sadness and defeat echoed there. It was a bad idea for so many reasons. Taking his friend back to that horrible house, filled with memories of Sirius’ parents was not something Remus would do, Dumbledore be damned.

“I know. I don’t want to go back either. All the memories, none of them good. But I owe Dumbledore my life. I’d be dead or imprisoned, souless in Azkaban again if not for him. If this is what he needs...”

Remus sighed and sat back. He knew the feeling all too well. Dumbledore had vouched for him at Hogwarts, keeping him safe both as a child and as a professor who had always wished to teach and would never be hired elsewhere due to his lycanthropy. But this was just asking too much of Sirius. To go back to the home where he had been beaten and tortured by both parents, regularly locked in his room and berated for being a freak who had no place in their noble family. Azkaban had already stolen his friend from him once, what would living in that hell do to him now?

“Please Sirius, there must be somewhere else. Somewhere Dumbledore will approve of. I can’t let you live in another prison.” Remus put his head in his hands for a moment before getting up and walking into his darkened bedroom. Hands shaking, Remus sat on the corner of his bed and took a deep breath. This was such a stupid idea. A horribly stupid idea that could once more take his friend away from him. He fell back on the bed, letting the air escape his lungs as he did, wishing it could take the fears from his mind so easily. After a minute another weight joined him. Remus turned his head to see Sirius beside him, body flat on the mattress and eyes looking straight up at the dingy ceiling.

“Do you know how long it’s been since I slept in a bed?” Sirius asked and Remus blinked at the non sequitur. He really hated thinking about Sirius’ past. But maybe the other man needed to talk. “Over thirteen years. When I first came to Azkaban, the constant screams, the sounds of Dementors floating by, I couldn’t sleep. I huddled under my cot, barricading myself with the only amenity I was allowed. Since then, its been piles of rags in caves or partly disintegrated mattresses in abandoned buildings. I know Grimmauld Place is...not ideal. There’s bad memories there. Lots of them actually. But I’ll have a bed Remus. I’ll have my bed. Its been so long since I belonged somewhere. Maybe I belong there. I don’t know, now it sounds kinda stupid…”

“No,” Remus replied, looking up at the ceiling as well. It was so odd to talk to one another that it was as if they needed something else to talk at. And he couldn’t quite face Sirius, not when looking at him would mean he’d have to picture his friend huddled in terror under a dingy cot in a prison so horrible he couldn’t even imagine it. “I get it. I don’t think I’ve ever belonged anywhere. Except maybe at Hogwarts. With you. And everyone else,” he added.

“I don’t want to live there, but I also kind of want to see what it would be like. Maybe it’ll be better this time around, you know?”

“Yeah, maybe,” Remus said unconvincingly.

“I mean, you’ll be there. Sometimes. Right? That’ll help,” Sirius said a bit timidly.

“Of course, you know I will. Not like I’ve got some grand social calendar to keep up with anyway,” Remus said, waving an arm around.

“No um, girlfriends to keep you busy?” Sirius asked as casually as he could muster.

“Ha. No. Nothing like that,” Remus supplied, letting out a deep breath. He’d never been good at relationships. Sirius had always been the flirt, the man with a girl on each arm. Somehow his friend’s charisma had never quite rubbed off on him. Remus blushed. He did not need to think about that.

“Ah well, just wanted to make sure I wasn’t taking you away from anyone on this fine Friday night,” Sirius said.

“Er, it’s Wednesday.”

“Oh.”

“That’s okay, I promise to be there for you Friday night as well,” Remus added.

“My my, only just back in town and already I’ve got a date,” Sirius said lightly.

Remus grinned over at the other man, glad the old Sirius was still there, buried but there, despite the years and all the pain. He just wished the joking words didn’t send a tear through his heart. But he brushed it off, like he always did.

“So, I guess we’d better get you home then?”

“Let’s not call it that just yet. Maybe ‘Hell’ or ‘The Noble House of Kreacher’ or something.”

“That horrible house elf isn’t still…” Remus gasped.

“Oh alive and grouchy as ever. According to Dumbledore, he’s been grumbling about my return, hoping I’ll live long enough to unsully the family name.”

“Well we shouldn’t keep your adoring fan waiting,” Remus said, trying for a light tone despite the weight that hung heavy over his heart.

They walked toward the living room and Remus held open the front door. “Sorry, can’t apparate inside. Do you...I mean since you don’t have a wand do you want to use mine? I’ve never been to your house...which is kinda odd,” he stopped himself short from rambling.

“Oh right, yeah give it here,” Sirius said.

Remus drew his wand from the holder on his arm and held it out to the other man. It was oddly personal to let someone else use your wand. Remus hadn’t even give it a second thought up until Sirius let his fingers grasp the dark wood, putting it to his face to study the whirls in the grain.

“Maybe try something simple first, just in case the wand doesn't...agree with you,” Remus suggested.

Worrying his lower lip, Sirius pointed the wand at the front door. It closed quickly behind them with a bang. With a bit of a grin he pointed it at a nasty stain on the wall, banishing it to cleanliness before none-too-sneakily untying Remus’s shoe laces.

“Well that’s just great,” Remus muttered, bending over to retie them with a smile. Glancing up he saw Sirius grinning as he used the wand to do simple tasks that would please only a first year. Or a man who hadn’t held a wand in thirteen years. It made him oddly happy that his own wand was so compatible with Sirius. He didn’t know quite how it worked, but he’d seen spells go ary when a wizard even picked up an ill-suited wand. Magic was so strange and sensitive, but watching his friend smiling from ear to ear as he was able to do magic for the first time in over thirteen years was infectious.

“Alright alright,” Remus grumbled good naturedly as Sirius transfigured an ashtray into a hedgehog. “Change it back and let’s get going before the neighbors see.”

With a playful scowl Sirius undid his spell, glancing around to insure no one was peeping out their windows at the two men and their late hedgehog.

“Coast is clear. So I guess we should go?” Sirius frowned and looked down at the wand. Remus wondered if he had forgotten how to apparate or was simply biding for time. He guessed the latter.

“Er, we can stay here longer if you want…” Remus started, carelessly pushing a clod of dirt with his shoe.

“What? Oh…” Sirius said, realizing he’d been stalling. “Yeah best get this over with.”

Taking a step closer to his hesitant friend, Remus touched a hand lightly to his forearm. “Sirius. Really. If you want, tonight you’re welcome to stay. I’ll transfigure you a bed next to mine. It can be…” he stopped himself before he could say “like old times.” Cause it could never be. Not with James dead. Peter on the run with Voldemort. Remus swallowed hard.

Sirius seemed to sense the unspoken words though and gave him a tight smile that never quite reached his eyes. “Better stop giving me excuses to back out. I may end up taking one.”

“Sirius, I wouldn’t blame you,” Remus sighed sadly.

“It’s hard enough living with myself okay?” Sirius growled in frustration, raking a hand through his overly long hair and glaring into the night sky. “It’s...I need to feel in control. Just for a minute. Okay?”

Remus took a step back. He knew Sirius wasn’t snapping at him, it was the hopelessness of the situation that had gotten to them both. Still, he couldn't help feeling hurt.

“Yeah, I get it,” he said softly after half a minute.

Sirius looked down and finally met his eyes, brows furrowing into sad lines as he saw what he’d done to his friend.

“Shit,” he muttered. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to...I kinda forgot how to talk to people. Remus, just...will you stand beside me? I need you.”

Remus swallowed. His heart hurt all over again and he rubbed his chest unconsciously. Forcing a smile, he took a step closer. “I’m here. I’ve always been here... you stupid mutt,” he added.

“I know,” Sirius said with a furrow of his brow as if he’d only just realized it. He reached over and put an arm around Remus’ back.

Remus started as he was pulled close, not sure what to do, whether he should push himself away. He really wasn’t used to human contact, and Sirius touching him was almost too much to bear. Then Sirius rested his head on Remus’ shoulder and he could do nothing else but hug him back. It was exactly what he needed. Looking to his right, Remus saw Sirius raise his wand as the other man let out a dejected sigh. “Ready?” he asked trepidly.

“No,” Sirius smiled sadly and closed his eyes. A moment later they were gone.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius comes home for the first time since he ran away but at least he has Remus at his side

Sirius’ ears popped at they apparated. He hadn’t felt that strange sensation--the sudden vertigo and the weird pull behind his navel as magic transported them suddenly from place to place-- in so long. Then again today was a day for all sorts of new beginnings, he thought somewhat sadly. 

Opening his eyes to the sharp contrast of yellow street lights against the dark night sky, Sirius sighed and stepped away from Remus. Despite the freefall of apparating, Sirius had felt grounded in the other man’s arms, if only for that instant. It made sense, Remus was his last friend, his only remaining lifeline to his old self, to the life he’d been denied. It was strange how familiar and yet different his friend was thirteen years later. More scars, more grey hairs. Slow to laugh, the happiness was drained from his once warm amber eyes. Sirius figured it was the scars he couldn’t see that hurt the most. Just like with him.

“We here?” Remus asked, and Sirius turned slowly away from the street to see the dark stretch of houses before him. 

This was it. He could do this. He had survived Azkaban, escaped Death Eaters and Dementors, not to mention Snape and his insufferable ability to cock up what would’ve been his ticket to freedom. Grimmauld Place was only a house. Now to make himself believe that. Sirius let out a deep breath. “Yep.”

“Oh, well which one is it, I don’t see number 12?” 

“That’ll be the wards,” Sirius said, reaching over to Remus. He looked at the other man for a moment before deciding to lay his hand on his shoulder. Remus glanced over at the hand and then at Sirius, cocking an eyebrow. “I have to let you see it,” Sirius explained.

Sirius watched the other man’s eyes widened as the house, he assumed, materialized between a one story home and a rather ramshackle boarding house. Sirius simply glared. It was just as he’d left it, not looking back that fateful day when he ran from what should have been his sanctuary but was instead a place of ridicule and then, finally, torture. To him it reeked of old money gone sour, the last vestige of a family who was too busy keeping up appearances while their very structure slowly crumbed beneath them. 

Sirius looked away. Damn it, he knew this would happen. As much as he tried to tell himself it wouldn’t be as bad as he thought, this house, a stupid inanimate object, had its rotten foundations buried deep within his heart. He closed his eyes, counting to calm himself. No that wasn’t his mother’s silhouette he saw at the window, he told himself, seeking a grip on reality. And the shadows that crossed the sky were only night owls, not Dementors bent on sucking out his soul. 

“I’m here,” Remus said softly, as if reading his thoughts, knowing exactly what he needed without words. Letting a breath out through his nose, Sirius took a moment before opening his eyes. Remus was close, but not touching him, something sturdy, something solid to ground him in reality. 

“I wish we weren’t though,” Sirius muttered darkly at the house. He hated every beam, every window, every nail that held the hellish thing together. Just when he thought his darkest days were over, that he could start anew, he was pulled right back in. Sirius shook his head and ran a hand in frustration through his fringe. 

“Just give the word if you want to turn back, I won’t think any less of you,” Remus said, worrying his lip. 

“No, no I can do this just…” Sirius trailed off. He just needed a minute. Closing his eyes he tried to picture something happy. A habit he found himself doing every time the Dementors came, each time they tried to take something of his soul from him. Now he had new memories. French toast, covered in stick syrup. A hot shower and clean clothes, soft against his skin. Remus hugging him. Sirius opened his eyes and looked to Remus.

The other man studied him, but not in a judgemental way. Only out of concern.

“Ready?” Remus asked, holding out a hand.

Sirius blinked at it. “Uh, I don’t need to hold your hand.”

Remus laughed, it was small but real. Sirius almost returned it.

“No no, my wand. You still have it.”

“Oh,” Sirius replied, handing it over, scratching the back of his neck in embarrassment. 

“I can hold your hand, though, it you need,” Remus teased slightly. Sirius smiled then. There was his Remus. Hidden, but still there.

“Oh shove it,” he muttered lightly back, shaking his head.

Once they approached the porch all smiles faded. It was as if there was something in the house that took away everything light, everything that was love, everything a family should be. And somehow he had grown up there. Sirius clenched his fists at his side. 

He had to open the door. To reach his hand out, grasp the brass snake whose tail twisted to form the handle, to embrace what was his. The last heir to the noble House of Black. He didn’t even need a spell. The door opened at his touch, creeking on slightly disused hinges, giving way to a darkened entry way lit only with candlesticks in floating sconces. 

It was exactly as Sirius had remembered it. The quiet, the slight smell of dust and old books, the dim diffused light from heavily draped parlor windows, and of course the family tree that lined the hall, his name and image naught but charred remains upon the ancient wallpaper. Sirius turned away before his memories took up residence at the forefront of his thinking. Quietly, as if not to disturb unseen residents of the house, as he’d had to do even as a child, Sirius led Remus up the stairs, passing his parent’s old room and his brother’s only to come upon his own. Where once a wooden placard with his name had graced the door, now only a faded golden rectangle remained. 

Sirius turned the knob and the door opened with a creak. Inside the room was so ordinary, so plain that it could hardly be attributed to any particular individual. Where once Gryffindor posters, model motorcycles, and quidditch trophies had graced every wall and shelf, all was bare. A fine layer of dust coated the desk and windowsill and the comforter smelled slightly musty. Sirius sat on it anyway. Remus took a quick tour of the room before joining him. 

“Kinda weird, this is the first time I’ve been in your room,” Remus said quietly, breaking the silence of the house.

Sirius nodded. 

“How’s it feel to be back?”

Sirius took a deep breath. How did he feel? It was such a giant jumble, and yet he felt strangely removed from it all. As if he were witnessing his own life as an outsider. It had been so long since this room had felt like his own, and even then he had always felt like a visitor in his own home. Nothing was his to keep, everything was his parents or his own to bring to Hogwarts for nine months of the year. This house had never been his home.

“Surreal,” Sirius settled upon. Remus nodded in sympathy. “Like I’m sitting in another kid’s room. I guess nothing in this house ever felt like mine. Nothing ever felt like home. Not like Hogwarts. Or our flat.”

Remus nodded his understanding. He and Sirius had shared a flat after graduating. It had been small and snug, a bachelor pad if ever there was one, but they had been happy. At least until the fighting started. Then they had spent more time apart than under the same roof. Sirius had gone off with girlfriends and Remus had either been on missions for Dumbledore or sleeping on James’ couch. It had not been happy or easy. But he didn’t want to think of those memories now.

“What ever happened to it?” Sirius asked, playing with a corner of the comforter as Remus looked out the yellowed glass window.

“Ah, Ministry confiscated it.”

“Wait, but you were living there!” Sirius yelled, standing, his face livid. How dare they do that to his friend.

Remus shrugged. “I was a registered werewolf. They didn’t much care what happened to me. Had to move back in with my parents, spent lots of time in court trying to prove I wasn’t in cahoots with...well with you. Dumbledore vouched for me. It was...rough for a few years.” Remus looked down at his feet. 

“Damn,” Sirius said, sitting back down. He hadn’t even spared a second thought for what had happened to his assets once he’d been incarcerated. Poor Remus. He had truly lost everything that day, even his own home. Sirius wanted to hug him but the man seemed a bit wary of affection for some reason. He’d give it time.

“It’s...it wasn’t that bad. Really,” Remus said.

Sirius thought Remus to be placating him. Sure, Remus hadn’t been locked up in Azkaban for twelve years, but that didn’t make his trials and tribulations any less horrible to endure. He deserved to share them and to try to come to terms as best he could, and Sirius wished to be there for his friend as Remus was for him.

“Remus…” Sirius turned to his friend but then a look of horror crossed his face and he shirked back. As he looked up, a dark shadow crossed the threshold, illuminated only from behind. The figure was cloaked in green, face hidden under too many folds of fabric and moved unnaturally under the cloth, as if the garment was much too large for its small frame. 

Remus turned to the door, wand in hand, brow furrowed. “Show your face now or I swear I’ll blast off your nose,” Remus said, though his voice was even, his tone betraying he was far less disturbed than Sirius by their sudden visitor.

Grumbling from under the cowl, knobby fingers reached from beneath sleeves meant for human arms and pushed back the cloth from a bulbous forehead and overly large ears before glaring daggers at Remus. The house elf then turned his glowing eyes at Sirius, cocking his head at his master.

“Welcome home Master Black,” he said formally, sweeping into a bow as worn green satin cascaded around his feet. 

“Er, Kreacher,” Sirius said after a moment, regaining his bearing. His heart was hammering in his chest. Seeing such a visage in the doorway, his mind had jumped to his possible worst fear. He had felt so suddenly small and alone, back in his cell in Azkaban with no means of escape. No happiness. No hope. 

He knew it was stupid now. Seeing Kreacher, he would make the most unlikely Dementor imaginable. It was almost laughable. Yet his mind was so used to that horrible place, it was almost harder for it to find things to look upon that were not to be feared than things that were.

Sirius watched as Remus took a step toward him, wand still raised, and nodded his head slightly as if to ascertain if he was alright. After an uncertain moment, Sirius nodded back. 

Then a moment passed and Remus cocked his head, raising an eyebrow and looking the elf up and down before snapping his head back to Sirius. 

“What the bloody hell is he wearing?” Remus asked.

And then Sirius laughed. Sizing up the house elf, it was evident, that despite the no-clothes rule, Kreacher was, for some reason, wearing one of his mother’s old robes. 

“Filthy werewolf comes into our noble house...insults Mistress’s elegant clothes…” Kreacher grumbled under his breath before Sirius let out another bark of laughter.

“Um Kreacher, why are you wearing Mother’s robe?” Sirius asked after his laughter had subsided. The elf glared at them both before sweeping back the satin in what normally would be a very graceful gesture. On his small gnarled frame it was simply comical.

“Before Mistress...passed she gifted Kreacher this. But I shall always stay to protect the Noble House of Black.”

“Oh. How very...servile of you,” Sirius replied, which strangely seemed to make Kreacher smile-- at least Sirius guessed that was a smile-- in pride.

“Shall Master Black require my assistance?” Kreacher asked, still not even addressing Remus.

“No, thank you Kreacher. But I should like you to treat my guest, Mister Lupin, with the same courtesy you afford me. That’s an order...no a request.”

“Yes Master Black.”

“And none of this ‘master’ business please,” Sirius said, twirling his fingers in the air.

Kreacher shook his head and grumbled but didn’t argue, not to his face anyway. For that Sirius was thankful. If nothing else, Kreacher was loyal. 

With a rasp of fabric and whisper of harsh words muttered under his breath, Kreacher exited and both men breathed a sigh of relief and sat back on the bed. 

Sirius could feel Remus’s eyes upon him but didn’t feel like speaking to the seriousness of his earlier reaction. Now was not the time to discuss his demons so he turned to what he did best.

“That was truly a spectre of horror to be sure.”

Remus chuckled and shook his head. “I wonder if he wears that old thing to bed too.”

Sirius shuddered. “Please, I don’t want to think about it. Forget I brought it up.” Sighing, he kicked off his shoes and scooted back on the bed. He regretted it instantly as a layer of dust made itself known, clouding the air and making both men cough.

“Damn that elf, what has he been doing if not cleaning this blasted house?” Sirius said around a mouthful of dust.

“Prancing around in your mum’s negligee singing showtunes?” Remus provided, using his wand to obliviate the remaining dust and get to work cleaning the surfaces in the room. Within a few quick minutes things were a lot tidier though the smell of disuse still permeated the small space.

“Wish I had some stuff to make the place a bit more...homey,” Sirius sighed, looking around the blank walls. It felt so impersonal, like a room for someone on the move. Or an absolute bore with no personality. He hoped he was neither. He was so tired of not having a home, of having no place to settle and be surrounded by others. And he knew he was no bore. At least he hadn’t been before. After Azkaban, he wasn’t as sure how much of himself remained.

“Well I do have some old photos. I can bring them over tomorrow if you’d like,” Remus suggested as he quickly flicked his wand, turning the bedspread from dark green to red, causing Sirius to smile. “Unless that’s too...sad.”

“Oh.” Sirius thought for a moment. But no, he’d love to see James and Lily’s faces’ again. And have Remus there with him even when he wasn’t. That was important. “Yeah bring ‘em. I’d like that.”

Remus nodded and flicked his wand, turning the drab wallpaper to warm autumn tones that always reminded them both of going back to Hogwarts. Then he transfigured a pillow into an owl plush and threw it at Sirius, hitting him in the head.

“Hey!” Sirius yelled, falling back on the bed, feigning incapacitation. 

Remus just shook his head and pushed back the curtains before turning them more transparent to let the light in. “So what time is Ollivander coming over? I can be here. If you like.”

“I think Dumbledore said around nine. You’re welcome to come,” Sirius said glad for the company. In all honesty he had no idea how he’d spend most of his time in this big house alone. He was sure Remus had things to do. A life. Friends if not lovers. Something to fill his time. It’s not like he was simply sitting by waiting for his ex best friend to run away from prison and demand his attention once again. Sirius almost laughed out loud. No that was not like Remus at all. 

“Unless you have things to do. You don’t have to come.” Sirius hoped he didn’t sound needy. Or desperate for company. Even though he was. He really had nothing. No one. Except Remus. That thought was incredibly pathetic.

“Yeah, I’ll be here,” Remus said casually, but it made Sirius want to jump up and holler with joy. 

He restrained himself to a small smile. “Thanks mate.”

“So um, will you really be all right here? Tonight?” Remus started, “cause I can stay…”

“Oh,” Sirius said, biting his lip before sitting up taller, trying for confidence he did not quite feel. “Yeah. Yeah I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about me. I’ll have a real bed, remember. It’ll be great. And you made it Gryffindor Red for me.” Sirius grinned, feigning happiness though deep down he felt suddenly so empty. He wished Remus wouldn’t leave but he didn’t know how to ask without seeming weak and broken. 

“Yeah?” Remus replied, raising an eyebrow skeptically like he didn’t quite believe him. 

“Yeah. I mean, I’m exhausted, I’ll probably be out the moment you leave anyway,” Sirius said, stretching his arms to illustrate. 

“Hmm, alright then. Well show me your fireplace. I’ll set up a floo to my place just in case, yeah?”

Sirius nodded and they went downstairs to the living room. Sirius turned back when he heard a noise, his heart leaping into his chest, but he quickly realized it was only Kreacher.

“Gotta get a bell on that damn elf,” he grumbled to Remus who chuckled at his side. 

Remus stepped up to the fireplace and Sirius frowned, realizing he’d be of exactly no help. “Umm…”

“Could you lend me Kreacher for a minute? I need his help to set this up,” Remus said.

“Oh yeah, sure,” Sirius said before directing the house elf to go to Remus and after a moment of grumbling Kreacher did as he was bid. This left Sirius to wander the living room by himself. He looked up and was startled by the twin visages of his parents glaring down at him from a large portrait. He wondered when Kreacher had hung it, he didn’t remember it being painted while he had lived at home. His parents looked both older and more stern than he recalled, but perhaps they were reacting to him being under their sacred roof. He’d have to ask the elf to move it to another less public space. 

“Well I never!” his mother huffed before turning away and leaving the painting. His father simply huffed before shaking his head and pretending to look elsewhere. Well at least they weren’t yelling. Yet.

“Okay, all set up,” Remus said, straightening and wiping his hands on his trousers. Kreacher stumbled off toward the kitchen and the two men were left in an odd silence. “I can stay if…” 

“No,” Sirius said all too fast and then cursed himself. Remus was giving him so many chances and he was bypassing them all for his stupid pride. “No really, I’ll be fine.” Sirius gave his friend a lopsided grin. 

“My place is always open. Or I can stay here,” Remus said, looking Sirius in the eye and not blinking, “whatever you need Sirius.” 

“Yeah, course, I’ll just see you in the morning,” Sirius said, gripping Remus’ shoulder, needing to touch him, to hold something solid before he was left with nothing but ghosts and ashes. 

Remus looked at his hand and Sirius removed it quickly as if burned. He shook it off and smiled. “Get some rest. Floo here in the morning yeah?”

“Yeah. You too,” Remus said frowning as if not convinced. Then his expression softened. “Sirius...it’s good to have you back. I...yeah it’s good.”

Sirius smiled. “Yeah, I missed you too,” he laughed, knowing what the other man was trying to say. 

Remus nodded before grabbing some floo powder and throwing it in the fire. Sirius took care to memorize the address before Remus turned back, studying Sirius a final time before nodding. Only when Sirius nodded back did Remus disappear.

Then Sirius shivered and glanced around. He felt so incredibly alone.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus starts to discover just what haunts the man he loves

Remus figured it was around midnight when the silhouette of a house elf appeared suddenly in his bedroom doorway. 

Though he’d half expected it, the small robed figure still gave Remus quite a fright, only the rustle of fabric announcing itself before Remus was able to pull out his wand. Heart hammering in his chest, Remus sat up, his instincts honed from years spent living in fear, though the creature before him didn’t seem the slightest bit perturbed at being threatened.

“Master Black is having an...episode,” the gruff voice spoke before Remus inhaled sharply. Lowering his wand, Remus switched on the side lamp, illuminating Kreacher in his tattered green robe. 

When Remus didn’t answer the house elf continued.

“You requested that I fetch you if anything happened during the night.”

Ah yes. Remus had used the pretense of needing Kreacher’s help to set up the floo network between their fireplaces and had, in fact, asked the house elf for his assistance in this matter. He could tell Sirius was probably in a more fragile state than the ex-convict would let on and was worried about leaving him alone. Damn the man for allowing his ego to get in the way despite Remus’ multiple attempts that they remain together. 

“What happened?” Remus asked, swinging his legs over the side of the bed and grabbing for his coat.

“Master Black took a late supper in his room, then an hour ago Kreacher heard yelling, then smashing. Mistress would never stand for this,” the house elf grumbled, smoothing his wrinkled robe.

“This started an hour ago and you didn’t fetch me till now?” Remus cried in exasperation, rolling his eyes as he made for the fireplace. The damn elf had no common sense risking Sirius like this. Who knew how broken the other man’s mind was, what demons haunted him in the dark, in the shadows of his family home, once Remus had left? He should never have left him alone. Remus cursed himself for being so stupid.

Leaving Kreacher behind, his longer legs carried him more quickly to the fireplace and Remus threw floo powder into the embers before calling out for “Number 12 Grimmauld Place.” Stepping in, Remus felt the cold kiss of flames before he was sucked into momentary nothingness that quickly spawned him into the Black family home. Without hesitation he sprinted for the steps, hearing a loud crash from upstairs even as he descended to Sirius’ old room. 

Trying the door, Remus indeed found it locked and barred. 

“Sirius, it’s Remus. Let me in!” he shouted but to no avail. 

A crash, probably a dish, was heard followed shortly by a cry that tore at Remus’ heart. Sirius sounded like the horrors of the world were descending upon him, and here stood Remus, a stupid piece of wood keeping him from helping his friend. Gritting his teeth, Remus pointed his wand and blasted the door off its hinges, hoping the action wouldn’t frighten Sirius further. 

Inside was a sight to behold. The remains of Sirius’ dinnerware were in pieces, smashed against the walls and strewn on the floor, as well as the mangled chair and desk. The bed had been moved toward the door, used, it seemed, to bar it closed, and it now stood at the angle from which Remus had blasted it. Bed clothes and hangings lay in tatters and the wallpaper had strange scorch marks upon it. 

“Sirius?” Remus said hesitantly, unsure if the other man was in his right mind to recognize him. He moved slowly, not wishing to startle his friend, making sure his wand was held high and the tip lit to illuminate his features. Only when he’d sidestepped the bed did Remus find what he sought.

“Oh Sirius!” Remus cried, choking on his words as he was overcome with emotion. Sirius sat in a corner, his legs drawn up, clutching in one arm the small owl plush Remus had made for him. His hair hung in tangles around his face and Remus could see he’d been crying. His eyes looked so lost, like he was staring but seeing nothing. 

Remus’ heart broke. His friend looked in worse shape than he’d imagined, jumping at shadows and unable to come into the light. The carefree, jovial man who played pranks and snogged every girl in Hogwarts was long gone and instead sat an empty husk, full of fear and mistrust. What had Azkaban done to him?

When he spotted Remus, Sirius held up a hand as if to ward himself even without a wand, and Remus could’ve sworn his finger tips began to glow. Then a small spark of recognition overcame the blank stare and Sirius lowered his hand, shook his head and dropped his forehead to his knees. 

Sidestepping the debris on the floor, Remus bent a knee beside his friend and put a hand on Sirius’ arm, sensing all the fight had been taken out of him. He wasn’t sure what to do, how soon to speak to the other man, or move him from the war zone of a room, what might trigger a relapse. So Remus took a moment, blocking Sirius’ view of the destruction as best he could and pushing the man’s hair from his face, allowing him to focus solely upon himself. Remus kept his expression neutral, not showing any fear, any anger or pity that might upset Sirius as he tilted the other man’s chin up, allowing him to gauge his mindset as best he could. 

Damn it, he had no idea what to do. All his instincts drove Remus to grab Sirius and hold him close, to never let him go. To pull him to his body and tell him how much he cared for him, that he’d never leave him alone in the dark again. To kiss his tear-streaked cheeks and take him away from this blasted place forever. But after years of fighting his feelings, Remus was more used to repressing them than actually giving in. 

Then Sirius looked right at him, and though he still looked lost, the blankness in his eyes had receded and he seemed to finally completely and wholly recognize Remus. And he reached out for him. 

It was an awkward embrace, Remus on his knees between Sirius’ own as the other man held him close and Remus attempting not to wish for things he could not have. He raised a hand tentatively to the back of Sirius’ head and held him soothingly as Sirius gripped his nightshirt tightly as if he never wished to let him go. 

After a couple minutes Remus’ knees ached and his mind was heavy with thoughts he could not allow to form.

“Sirius?” he asked quietly, pulling back to see his friend’s face.

Sirius looked grief-stricken as he swallowed and nodded. “I’m here Moony.”

“Come home with me?” Remus made it a request but he honestly should’ve ordered the other man. There was no way he was leaving him alone another night. Especially not in this horrible place. He hoped there was no more fight left in the other man. He would drag him out of this house if he had to.

“Yeah,” Sirius said, breathing in deeply and Remus sighed in relief. 

Remus got up first, wincing as his knees creaked and then reached out a hand to Sirius. To his credit the other man took it, biting his lip as he stood and surveyed the damage he’d caused. Remus didn’t say a word. There would be time for that later. He simply lead his friend out of the room, down the stairs, and to the fireplace. Remus whispered his address into the fire and took Sirius home. 

Only once they were back in Remus’ flat, in his bedroom did the two speak. Remus had turned on all the lights, brightening the place to displace any lingering shadows, before sitting on the edge of the bed. Sirius sat beside him and ran a hand nervously through his long hair.

“Unless you want to discuss it now, we can talk in the morning,” Remus suggested,knowing exactly what the other man was thinking as he looked over at Sirius, who nodded thankfully. He was much too tired to deal with anything serious at the moment. “We both need some sleep. I can transfigure that chair into another bed…”

“Can I sleep here with you?” Sirius interrupted, looking down at his bare feet.

“Oh.” Remus looked back at the bed. It was definitely large enough for two and it wouldn’t be the first time they’d shared a bed. Back at Hogwarts they’d had plenty of sleepovers when one or the other had had nightmares or when Remus had wanted company in the hospital wing after particularly bad full moons. His heart leapt at the idea even as his brain told him that Sirius was only asking for the comfort of friendship. It meant nothing more to the other man and he’d had long enough to get used to it. He needed to be there for Sirius, he owed his brave but broken friend that much and more.

“Or…” Sirius started but Remus cut in.

“Yeah, shall I leave the lights on too?” Remus shucked off his coat and put his wand on the table beside the bed.

“Is that alright?”

“I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t,” Remus scolded lightly.

“Thanks Remus,” Sirius said softly before climbing onto the other side of the bed. Remus kept the bed hangings open to let the lamp light in and pulled up the covers to allow Sirius to get comfortable before he crawled in himself. 

Once he got in though, he had no idea what to do. His mind was racing. If he lay face up, it was just awkward, he’d see Sirius out of the corner of his eye. And facing someone in bed was something only lovers did. So Remus sighed and turned his back to the other man. A moment later a warm hand snaked around his waist, holding him close.

Remus heart skipped a beat. Warm breath puffed against his neck as Sirius settled in and Remus’ chest ached in response. He knew Sirius needed this, needed a friend by his side and nothing more. Someone to ground him and keep the darkness back. So he’d let Sirius hold him close and ask for nothing more, hoping the other man could sleep through night. He owed him that much and more after all he’d done, or not done. After not being there for him for thirteen years. Remus reminded himself he deserved nothing as his body stayed stiff and awake, his thoughts racing angrily as his friend slept soundly at his back. 

When Remus awoke to a knock at his front door hours later, he realized he must have actually fallen asleep at some point during the night. Sunlight streamed in through the windows, illuminating the dark haired man who lay against his chest, one arm still wrapped tightly around Remus who had apparently turned toward Sirius in the night. Remus sighed. He could get used to this, but he’d better not. Oh right that knocking.

“Mum, bugger off,” Sirius grumbled and Remus couldn’t help but chuckle. 

Pushing away from Sirius, with no small amount of regret, Remus pulled on a robe and went to the door. Remus frowned before opening it to find Dumbledore and the wandmaker Ollivander standing patiently on his doorstep.

“Ah good morning Remus. Is Sirius with you?” the elderly headmaster asked.

“Oh, sorry. Yes. He had a rough night last night. Won’t you come in?” Remus asked, opening the door and stepping aside to let the men into his small kitchen to sit. “I’m guessing we...he missed his appointment?”

“Perfectly understandable given the circumstances,” Dumbledore assured Remus as he sat at the table.

Remus looked to Ollivander who gave Remus an echoing reassuring smile so Remus breathed a sigh of relief. “I’ll go get Sirius for you then. Just be a moment,” he said before disappearing into the bedroom.

Of course Sirius was still sound asleep in bed. Remus closed the door behind himself before sitting on the side of the bed. Sirius looked incredibly peaceful, so unlike the frantic, horrified man Remus had found irrationally fearful for his life late last night. His brow was smoothed in sleep, long dark hair framing his pale face and deep cheekbones. Black eyelashes fluttered as Sirius dreamed and his lips were parted as he breathed against the pillow clutched in his long fingers where Remus had vacated minutes before. Remus reached out a hand to sweep a stray lock of hair from Sirius’ forehead.

“Sirius,” he said softly and the other man furrowed his brow slightly. He tried again. “Sirius, you have to get up. Dumbledore’s here. With Ollivander.”

Sirius let out an indistinguishable grunt. 

“I know. You need a wand though,” Remus tried again. That seemed to get a reply. Maybe bribes were the best way to go.

Slowly Sirius opened his eyes, blinking twice at Remus before smiling slightly. “Hey.”

“Hey,” Remus replied with a melancholy smile. He still remembered the night before, though he tried not to let it show on his face. “So Dumbledore and Ollivander are at my kitchen table. Never thought I’d say that sentence.”

“Oh. Shoot is it after nine?” 

“Yeah. Must’ve forgot to set an alarm. I can make us breakfast while you go do...whatever it is they need you to do,” Remus said, waving a hand in the air in a magical way. Sirius chuckled and sat up in bed stretching. 

Remus looked away, attempting not to notice as Sirius exposed the lean planes of his stomach and jut of hip bones as he stretched. There was only so much his robe could hide. Perhaps a cold shower was what he needed, but he had just offered to go make them breakfast. Damn it.

“Could you, maybe...make french toast again?” Sirius said, looking at Remus with puppy dog eyes. 

Well a shower was definitely out of the question now. Remus shook his head and smiled. His friend really knew how to manipulate him. “Of course. But please get out there, I have a weird feeling Dumbledore might start transfiguring things in my kitchen if you don’t.”

Sirius smiled and pushed himself from the bed. He still wore his clothes from yesterday, Remus would have to remind himself to lend the man a change later or take him shopping soon. “You coming?” Sirius asked as he opened the door.

“Yeah, be right there,” he replied. Remus simply needed a moment. His thoughts were such a jumble of emotions. Waking up next to Sirius coupled with all the anger and frustration at seeing Sirius so fractured last night. He knew now, knew for sure, that the Sirius now, the Sirius he had pulled from that house and held in his arms last night was not the same man that he’d befriended at Hogwarts, had grown to cherish, to love, and then hate through that same strong emotion. Yet Remus knew he himself wasn’t the same either. And it was okay. Sometimes broken pieces could still fit together.

He knew it would never be what he hoped for. Sirius would never think of him in the way he hoped, but he could tell how much Sirius needed him and it made his heart full to be desired even in that small way. He wanted to be what Sirius wanted of him. It could be enough.

Sighing Remus strode from the bed and exited the room. Sirius and Ollivander were standing together next to the table over a large stack of long rectangular boxes that the wandmaker was procuring from his magical satchel. Frowning, Remus wondered where the headmaster was until he spotted him in the corner next to the refrigerator. 

“Ah Remus,” Dumbledore said, turning as Remus approached him, “Sirius told us you’d be making us french toast for breakfast. I took the liberty of pre freezing your oven mitts.”

Remus opened the freezer to, indeed, find his oven mitts there. He shut the door. Sure. Whatever.

“Would you also like some french toast Mr. Ollivander?”

“No thank you my boy, already ate,” the wandmaker said without looking up from his work as he handed a wand to Sirius who pulled away as if it burnt his fingers.

Remus looked away and shook his head, telling himself not to worry as he busied himself preparing breakfast. Dumbledore hummed to himself nearby, watching him as if cooking was more interesting than choosing a wand. Perhaps it was to the elderly wizard. Remus didn’t want to judge. 

“Any luck?” Remus asked as he set plates on the table and Sirius took a break to eat. The three wizards stood in the kitchen while Ollivander replaced the wands Sirius had failed compatibility with before drawing forth a new batch from his bag. Sirius and Dumbledore wore matching smiles of contentment as they ate which made Remus chuckle.

“Not yet,” Sirius said around a mouthful. 

Remus glanced over to see Dumbledore sneak a piece of toast into his sleeve. It disappeared quickly without a trace. He decided not to ask questions.

“I’m sure we’re just on the wrong track. It’s strange that your old wand’s core was Dragon Heartstring and yet none of the ones I’ve had you try with that core seemed suitable,” Ollivander said frowning.

Remus noticed as Sirius shuffled and looked a bit perturbed at the words. He wondered if they were thinking the same thing, that Sirius was not the same man he was before. It must’ve been hard to hear that even a similar wand didn’t recognize him. Remus took a step closer to his friend.

“I wonder, Mister Ollivander. I lent Sirius my wand yesterday and it seemed to work well for him,” Remus said. He put down his plate before drawing his wand from his robes.

“Really?” the wandmaker said before taking the wand gently from Remus. He weighed it in his hands before putting it to his ear. “That is curious! Ten and a quarter inch, Cypress, and a Unicorn tail hair core,” he said as if he’d only just pulled the wand from the shelf yesterday. 

Remus nodded before Ollivander handed the wand back to him and pulled a couple new boxes out. He opened one and handed it to Sirius. The wand tip glowed purple briefly but the wandmaker shook his head and took it back before trying four others. On the fifth try Remus stared as Sirius grasped a slender spiraled branch and the entire length seemed to glow with faint blueish moonlight and the very air took on the faint sound of a quiet summer night. 

“What an odd reaction!” Ollivander exclaimed with a smile as Sirius made to give the wand back, but the man held his hands up and took a step back. “Oh no my boy, that wand is perfect for you. I’ve just never seen such a thing before, like a memory kept locked inside the wood. Beautiful.” 

Sirius looked a bit sheepish as he brushed a hand through his overly long hair and tucked the wand into the pocket of his jeans. “Thank you Mister Ollivander Sir. How much do I…”

“Albus has already paid me, no need to worry about it,” Ollivander said, stuffing his wares quickly into the satchel and making for the door. “Good to see you again Remus. Sirius. Albus I’ll see you soon for tea.” And with that he let himself out and the two were left alone with Dumbledore.

“Glad to see your wand found you Sirius,” Dumbledore said with a smile.

“Ah yes. It’s nice to have one again. And thank you for that. I don’t quite know how to repay you.”

“Never you mind that. I’m sure we’ll figure something out. Now what was Remus telling me about you having a bad time of it night last night?” Dumbledore asked with a frown.

Sirius opened and then closed his mouth as Remus cut in. He really didn’t wish to discuss it with the professor before he and Sirius had had a chance to talk it over themselves.

“I think Sirius has been through quite a lot lately and that hell hole is the last place he needs to be. It’s dark and miserable and gives me nightmares and I’ve not spent the last twelve years in Azkaban. So whatever wards you need to place, do them here. And if things get bad, really bad, I promise we’ll go there. But for now I’ll keep watch over Sirius here. I mean if that’s alright.” 

Remus hadn’t realized how he’d squared his shoulders and furrowed his brow until he saw Sirius give him an odd look and then Remus practically deflated on the spot. He’d never stood up to Dumbledore like that before. But luckily the elderly wizard didn’t seem to mind. Instead he nodded emphatically and took out his wand, looking around the flat as Sirius and Remus raised eyebrows at one another.

“Looks like you’ve placed some very complicated wards yourself already dear boy,” Dumbledore praised and Remus let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. “I’ll just add a few of mine and a couple more outside of course. But promise me you’ll be extra vigilant. And if I tell you to run or hide, you’ll not hesitate. And if you do go out Sirius,” he gave each a pointed look,” because I know you will, you’ll exercise extreme caution.”

“Of course sir,” Remus said gratefully. Sirius gave him a little half smile. “Oh one more thing, if it isn’t too much to ask. Is there any way to unfreeze Sirius’s assets? I’m not sure my allowance will be enough to feed two and Sirius is in need of new clothes.”

“Ah, not a problem, let me see,” Dumbledore said, rummaging around in said sleeves where Remus was sure a creature who loved french toast also lived. After a moment the wizard pulled out a flat wallet of what looked like muggle money. “Now I don’t want you going to wizard shops if you can. Sirius is far to recognizable. Even so, use charms when you go out and be discrete. I’ll check in on you soon.”

Dumbledore took one more quick tour around the house, waving his wand about before leaving to enact whatever wards were needed to secure the premises from outside.

Remus picked up the wallet full of muggle money and fanned out the bills before looking over at Sirius with a small smile. “Who wants to go shopping?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much Rachel K for your help editing! I'm on some new migraine meds that make me a bit dyslexic at times, so writing has been a bit difficult mentally difficult, though I don't lack the time for it, so expect more soon! Thank you everyone who reads and comments, it means the world to me cause I love these boys like they're my own even though I know they're not!   
> Also thank you Pari for your endless inspiration, you know I love you <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Sirius finally has his wand, Sirius and Remus go shopping, make dinner, and talk about feelings (I swear this is HP and not Sex and the City) plus some showering and long hair brushing cause why not it's my fic

 

 

Sirius grinned over at Remus before flinging his newly charmed hair over his shoulder. “So Moony what do you think of my fabulous new look?”

The long auburn strands looked faintly reddish even in the London fog. Remus rolled his eyes a bit as if he knew Sirius was fishing for yet another compliment. The other man’s eyes were hidden behind large sunglasses and Remus had placed a Notice-Me-Not charm on him just in case anyone decided to take a second glance.

“Like I said already, I miss the black, but it’s not half bad,” Remus paused for a moment, thinking. “It reminds me actually of a portrait I once saw of Dumbledore. Did you know he had auburn hair when he was young?”

Sirius grasped his heart in an overly dramatic fashion and stopped in his tracks. “No!”

“You didn’t know?” Remus said.

“That Dumbledore was young once?”

You git,” Remus shook his head and continued walking, leaving Sirius to catch up with him.

Sirius hurried after. Though it was daylight, or what counted for daylight in foggy London, he hadn’t been within a crowd in so many years that the thought made him a bit anxious. Luckily it was early afternoon on a weekday so most people were still at work, but Sirius still found himself glancing over his shoulder, wondering at those who looked his way, walking just a bit closer than polite company allowed, to Remus’ side. Remus did not seem to mind at least.

Unfortunately they still had to talk about last night. Sirius shuddered, and not from the cold. The things he saw, or thought he saw, were not anything he felt right bringing up to the friend he had only just gotten back. He himself didn’t even wish to dredge them up, even in the light of day. His mind played tricks on him, that he knew. It turned shadows into Dementors. Friends into enemies. Memories into ghosts. Whatever his mind thought it needed to heal or deal, it conjured.

Sirius shook his head. He really didn’t wish to think about it before he had to. Remus said they’d talk about it once they were home and there was no way he was going to let it ruin their shopping trip. It had been over thirteen year since Sirius had set foot in a store and he was dead set on enjoying himself fully.

“Oh Moony a thrift store!”

Remus followed him in and walked down the first aisle after a practically sprinting Sirius.

“Do you even know what fashion is like these days? It’s... horrible...baggy clothes, plaid, everyone ties their jumpers around their waist,” Remus shook his head.

“Well I’m glad your jumper is on your chest where it belongs,” Sirius laughed. “At least graphic tees and worn denim are still in.” Sirius pulled out an arm-full of clothes to try on before his hands became full and he made Remus hold some as well. Shopping was such a welcome distraction.

After purchasing some shirts and jeans Remus and Sirius headed down the street to rummage through two more shops before stopping for coffee. Remus looked like he needed a break. Sirius chose a table in a corner with a good view of the door in case any shady customers walked in. He knew he was being paranoid but he thought he was allowed and Remus didn’t question it.

“You didn’t get much sleep last night, did you?” Sirius asked guiltily, sipping his coffee surrounded by bags of clothes.

Remus sat across from his stirring a cocoa. “Not really used to sharing a bed,” he said softly.

“No? I’d think you’d pull enough girls to get used to it over the years,” Sirius chuckled and searched for a hint of Remus’ past in the other’s reaction. The other man was so closed off about some things, personal things, it was impossible not to pry.

Remus merely shrugged, his eyes chasing marshmallows. “Not much game to be had for scarred unemployed professors I’m afraid.”

Stretching his long legs under the table, Sirius clucked his tongue and shook his head. “Well they have no taste. You’re a fine catch. Just look how well you take care of me. Feed me breakfast and take me shopping.”

“Yeah, I’ll make a great mum one day,” Remus sighed and rolled his eyes as Sirius barked out a laugh.

“That’s not what I mean. You’re really giving Remus. You care more about others than you do yourself and you know it. I bet I’m wearing your best clothes now. Stop me if I’m wrong.”

Remus didn’t deny it and Sirius grinned wider. Sirius’ eyes wandered as a man in a wide brimmed had turned his way and glared, causing Sirius to shift nervously in his seat, But then the man turned, grumble to his wife about the “bloody weather” and Sirius breathed a sigh of relief. At least he hadn’t jumped at shadows that time. He hoped Remus hadn’t noticed.

“If I could’ve taken your place...in there...I would have.”

It was spoken so quietly that Sirius almost missed it. But he didn’t. He frowned a moment before his expression softened. Then he sighed and shook his head. Sometimes Remus just made his heart ache. “Hey, we said no heavy stuff till later, yeah?”

Remus looked up at him then, his eyes tired and heavy lidded. He nodded once before turning to look out the large window instead. “Yeah, sorry.”

Sirius didn’t know what to do. Now, in this coffee shop, surrounded by a bunch of damn strangers was not the time or the place to get into it. He wanted to reach out to Remus but knew the other man wouldn’t let him. And he didn’t want to open up here, in case anyone overheard. It was just bad timing on both their parts. He sighed once again and turned to the window as well. And then he saw it.

“Moony!”

Five minutes later--Remus insisted on finishing his cocoa first-- and Sirius had dragged them both across the street. Standing in front of the window of a consignment store, Sirius sighed over the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. A black leather jacket that seemed like it would be perfectly tailored for him, with just a bit of room to grow into for when he put on a bit of needed extra weight.

Sirius glanced up at it wistfully. It reminded him so much of his lost youth, of days when he was carefree. When a war sounded flashy and cool, full of heroes and battle scars he could brag about. Not full of fallen friends and wounds that never quite healed. A reflection in the glass caught his eye, startling him and he reached for his wand but Remus caught him arm first, frowning. Sirius didn’t know what it was but whatever it had been, it hadn’t alarmed his friend. He shrugged it off and shook his head and Remus raised an eyebrow in concern.

He decided to play it off and move on. “Kinda reminds you of my old jacket huh?” Sirius said in admiration.  
Remus gave him a small smile before looking back at the window display.

“You should get it.”

“Huh?” Sirius wondered if he’d heard the other man correctly. He had no idea how much Dumbledore had given them, but he was sure superfluous leather jackets were not in the allowance.

Remus shrugged. “I think you should get it. I know you want it. Pretend it’s a gift. To make up for a backlog of Christmases. And birthdays.”

Sirius swallowed and looked from the jacket to Remus. The other man looked strangely sad. Actually it wasn’t strange at all, but he just wondered when thinking of their lost years would stop being so painful. He’d need to give it a lot of time.

“Alright. Moony, buy me a present,” Sirius said, wrapping an arm around Remus’ shoulder and strolling into the shop. Sirius grabbed the mannequin out of the window as they passed and dragged it along.

“Sirius…” Remus groaned, putting his hand over his face before a shop girl came up to stop him. Luckily within a couple minutes things were sorted and Sirius was in the back with the dressing rooms.

Sirius turned, grinning, admiring himself in the mirror as Remus stood behind him. “What do you think Moony?”

“It’s pretty perfect,” Remus admitted, smiling and shaking his head.

“Do we have the money?”

Remus thought for a moment as the shop girl strode over.

“Actually we had it in the window cause it’s half off. A customer last week wouldn’t take no for an answer when we told him it wouldn’t fit, ripped a seam in the back, just there,” she said, pointing. “It’s only a little tear, but we had to put it on sale.”

Sirius’ eyes lit up. He knew a spell that could fix it in an instant. “Remus?”

Remus nodded. “Yeah, don’t worry. You should get it.”

“Do we have enough for something else?” Sirius asked, running over to another rack.

“Like what?” Remus asked, peering around skeptically as the other man came racing back.

“Well when we walked in I saw this coat and thought it’d look quite dashing on you.” Sirius held up a heather pea coat expectantly until Remus took it in his arms.

“Sirius, I really don’t need…”

“Just try it on...for me?”

Remus sighed. “Yeah alright.”

Sirius watched as he shucked off his jumper and pulled the coat over his shirt, buttoning the large front buttons. Straightening, he strode over to the full length mirror to have a look. Sirius whistled. He’d never seen Remus look so incredibly stylish. The long lines of the coat did great things for his tall frame and the color went well with his sandy hair. The cut was perfectly form fitting, showing how fit he kept himself. He wondered if Remus would wear such a thing. It would definitely keep him warm against the London chill if practicality was an issue.

“Well?” Remus asked when Sirius hadn’t said a word.

“Okay, you look bloody brilliant,” Sirius finally said, grinning. “You have to get it. Please say you like it?”

“I mean, it’s not bad,” Remus conceded, turning to look at the coat from all angles.

“I will go find more people in this store to tell you that you look hot if you need more opinions,” Sirius said, making to leave before Remus grabbed his arm.

“No no! I...okay okay we’ll get it. Don’t make a scene. What about ‘not drawing attention to yourself’ wasn’t clear earlier?” Remus muttered before starting to take off the coat.

“Leave it on! I want to wear mine out too,” Sirius said happily and Remus sighed and conceded.

Both men walked over to the cashier and Remus allowed the girl from earlier to scan their coats and take off the tags before he paid.

“That’s so cute that you’re buying coats for you and your boyfriend,” she said as she handed Remus his change.

Sirius came up behind Remus and put an arm around his shoulder and grinned. He was going to have some fun with this. “Yeah he’s the best,” he said, nuzzling close to Remus’ face before winking at her and strolling away together. Only once they’d exited the shop did Remus pull away.

“That’s not funny.”

“What? Oh come on,” Sirius said, edging closer, but Remus took another step away.

“Sirius, just...not right now okay?”

“Is it really that embarrassing?” Sirius asked in confusion, grabbing his bags and trying to keep up with Remus’ long legs. He was just having a bit of fun and had no idea why Remus was acting so grouchy all of a sudden over a little joke.

“No that’s...can we not? I’m just tired alright? Leave it.”

There was a finality to Remus’ tone that left Sirius hurt. He decided he wasn’t going to get anywhere and that he’d best drop the matter before he hurt his friend more. He’d only just got him back, and despite their years of friendship, maybe with all the time missing in between, he didn’t quite know Remus as well as he thought he did. He’d best figure out how to make up for that.

“Sorry,” he said quietly, taking one of the bags from Remus to lighten his load.

“Oh,” Remus said, as if he wasn’t quite expecting it. He turned to Sirius, tilting his chin up and brushing his fringe from his eyes. “Thanks. And thanks for making me get this,” he gestured to the coat. “I kind of like it.”

“Well you look really good in it. I bet the shop girl would’ve asked for your number if you hadn’t been my boyfriend,” Sirius laughed and Remus shook his head and finally chuckled.

“Let’s grab some groceries while we’re out so there’s food in the house then we can go back and...talk. Okay?” Remus said tentatively.

“Yeah. Sounds good,” Sirius sighed. He knew they needed this. He was both dreading and looking forward to it.

An hour and a short tube ride later and the two men were back in Remus’ flat laden with groceries and shopping bags. He’d stuck close by Remus in the market, attempting to focus more on the strange muggle foods and less on the people who may or may not be staring at him. He only jumped once, when an elderly woman crashed her cart into a display and toppled some tinned fish. Remus bent to help her pick them up and Sirius sheepishly followed suit after coming out of hiding.

The tube ride back was a bit of a challenge. He disliked the shadows that played on the sides of the walls, the flashing lights that went by so quickly. Remus told him to shut his eyes and after a minute he quickly did and laid his head on Remus shoulder. It was soothing and Remus did not seem to mind the contact since it helped him be less jumpy.

After opening the door, Remus first showed Sirius where he could store his clothes and newly bought toiletries before both men put away the food, a chore that was charmingly domestic after months of living in caves and abandoned houses.

“I like this,” Sirius said, turning to Remus as he put away a can.

“Tinned mushy peas? I mean I only got them cause they were on sale and we need something to throw at the Death Eaters incase our wands don’t work…”

“What? No. This!” Sirius said, waving his hands in an all-encompassing manner. “Being in a home, shopping, putting away mushy peas with you. It’s...nice.”

“Hmm, maybe you’re the one who will make a good mum someday,” Remus said deadpan as he threw some dried pasta into a plastic container.

“Ha ha.” Sirius rolled his eyes and leaned against the counter, watching as Remus threw the empty grocery bags beneath the sink.

“Regardless I’m going to do you a favor and teach you to cook. We’re making Yorkshire Pudding tonight.”

“Oh. I thought we needed to talk,” Sirius said, taking a step forward.

“We’ll talk while it’s baking. Chop these for me,” Remus said, handing Sirius a cutting board and some herbs.

“Err…”

“You literally can’t mess this up. Unless you chop off a finger. Please don’t do that,” Remus implored, turning his head quickly from where he had preheated the oven.

Sirius yowled and made a face like he’d done just that and Remus came rushing over before smacking him in the head with an oven mitt when he found all his fingers still intact.

The two finished off the recipe with no loss of limb and Remus stuck it in the oven before flicking his wand to do the dishes.

“How come you use magic to do dishes but not to cook?” Sirius asked as they both sat down together on the couch.

“Might be just in my head, but I always think it tastes better,” Remus said, shrugging and leaning back.

Sirius could see the stiffness of his muscles despite the reclined pose. He could tell the other man was not looking forward to this conversation any more than he was. Remus’ overly long fringe hung over his face, a small layer of protection against a hostile world. What Sirius wouldn’t give to read his expression now.

“Remus?” he said tentatively. He may as well get this over with.

A deep sigh preluded Remus sitting up and looking Sirius in the eye. “Alright then. You want to tell me about what I saw last night?”

Sirius sat up a bit straighter and turned on the couch, tucking one leg under the other to face his friend. He thought for a moment. Actually he’d been thinking all day. How much to reveal. How much he could say to Remus. He knew Remus was there for him, but he hated showing weakness in front of the other man, and last night, well he knew he had gone far beyond that. He’d appeared utterly broken. Shattered. There were things about his time in Azkaban he wanted, needed to share. But there were other things he couldn’t. Not yet. Remus would think him mad. He had to weigh his options, lest he lose his only friend.

“I wish I was as good with words as you,” Sirius said honestly, “It’s just hard to know where to start.”

Remus nodded sympathetically and gave him a patient look.

“I guess I don’t have to tell you how frightening being locked up for twelve years was. But living in one small space, confined, it breaks your mind. The only changes would be when they’d slip food and water through the door each day, or Dementors would flit past the small window. The sun would rise and set, shadows moved. Sometimes a bug or leaf would find its way into the cell. And even then I didn’t always know if they were even real. You can’t even believe your own mind at times. Especially in the dark.” Sirius swallowed back the pain. Remus scooted closer and put a tentative hand on his knee for support. Sirius was thankful for the gesture. He knew it didn’t come easy.

“What did you see last night Sirius?”

Sirius swallowed against the tightness in his throat. This was harder than he’d thought. He’d practiced these words in his mind as they’d sat in the tube, while drinking coffee, as they put away groceries. He’d settle for a half truth for now and work up to the rest later.

“I’m not sure. I saw something. A shadow. I was half asleep and afraid and I just knew I needed to protect myself. It was mostly due to that blasted house with its awful memories.”

“Did you have...episodes like this before you came here? Out on the run?” Remus asked.

“I...yeah I did. But it helped having Buckbeak there. Not that we could talk it out or anything. But he was comforting and I never felt alone like I did last night,” Sirius confessed.

“Okay,” Remus said, biting his lower lip as if working out a puzzle, “and when you saw me, did you know me?”

“You mean when you walked over to me?”

“After I’d blasted your door off its hinges,” Remus said dryly.

Sirius frowned. “Wow I don’t remember that.”

“That’s disturbing.”

“At least I gave Kreacher something to do other than try on Mum’s old dresses,” Sirius chuckled.

“Sirius,” Remus implored the other man to bring the conversation back on topic.

“Yes, yes I recognized you. Took a minute, but I knew I trusted you alright?” he said before raking his hands in the nape of his hair.

“Do you think it’ll happen again?” Remus asked pointedly.

“Probably. Actually definitely. If you have a problem with that…”

“I don’t,” Remus cut him off quickly. “Just wanted to be prepared.

“Oh. Okay,” Sirius looked Remus in the eye and the man met his gaze steadily. He didn’t seem to be lying which was nice.

“What can I do to help?” Remus asked, a question Sirius was unprepared for.

Sirius took a minute to ponder. Waking up this morning, feeling himself safe in Remus’s arms, he’d never felt more secure, like Remus was a balm slowly healing his inner scars. The comfort the other man had offered had dispelled all the shadows, at least momentarily, and he wished for that again. If he was willing.

“What you did last night...that was good,” he finally said.

“So... having the lights on?” Remus questioned.

“I don’t like it being pitch black but we can try it being a bit darker,” Sirius compromised, “but what I meant was...I always had Buckbeak there to...to hold on to at night.”

Remus chuckled. “So you need me to be there to snuggle?”

Sirius looked down sheepishly. He bit the side of his lip.

Remus squeezed his knee. “Hey, it’s okay. I’m only teasing. I’m here for you, I told you that. You believe me, right?”

Sirius nodded right as the timer went off.

“I’ve got to turn the pudding,” Remus said, getting up from the couch. “Why don’t you go have a shower, by the time you’re done we can eat, okay?”

“Yeah,” Sirius agreed. He needed a moment alone with his thoughts and this was a perfect excuse. If he didn’t know better he’d think Remus had done so on purpose just for him.

Sirius got up and grabbed his new pajamas to change into, knowing they wouldn’t be going out after supper. Glancing in the mirror he almost jumped back as he realized his hair was still charmed.

“Remus!” he yelled, poking his head around the corner from the bathroom, “Why didn’t you change my hair back to black?”

“What, you don’t like being Sirius Auburn?” Remus teased from the kitchen.

Sirius grumbled back something about hexing his bollocks and Remus laughed back. “Okay, after supper I’ll change it back. And give it that trim I promised, alright?”

“Deal,” Sirius said happily, bounding back into the bathroom.

Shucking off Remus’ borrowed clothes and throwing them in the hamper he took a long look at himself as the let the water warm. Though he wasn’t as gaunt as a year ago, he still looked a bit on the ragged side. Sirius at least now recognized himself when he looked in the mirror. His cheekbones had always been prominent but were now more so, standing out to offset his jawbone. His collarbone stuck out as well but at least his ribs didn’t protrude as badly as before and his arms didn’t look as thin, taking on a more toned and less skeletal appearance. Between foraging and Dumbledore checking in on him with care packages, he’d been able to make up for lost nutrition, but nothing like the home cooked meals that Remus was able to provide. He glanced down further, noting his pale hairless chest, his flat stomach. The vanity from his youth was long gone but he was still glad that he didn’t appear as haunted and bedraggled as he had a year ago.

Sirius stepped into the shower, allowing himself long moments to simply luxuriate in the warmth of the water as it cleansed his weary body. It was such a small thing, something everyone probably took for granted, but he promised himself he never would again. He swore he could feel each and every warm drop on his skin, each beautiful pearl of liquid that soaked in and moisturized his body and somehow cleansed his mind. Showering was such a beautiful ritual.

After a few minutes of standing under the spray Sirius reached for the new shampoo, he’d convinced Remus to spring for the good stuff, and lathered his hair before conditioning it as well. He’d have to teach the other man a thing or two about proper hair care.

Though it had felt a bit liberating to partially tell Remus what was troubling him, Sirius still didn’t feel like the weight was even the least bit lifted from his shoulders. He knew that time would probably heal some of it, being away from Azkaban, reentering society. Having someone who cared about him around to keep him safe, make him feel loved. Sirius frowned, glad he didn’t have to pretend that he was alright for a few minutes. It was hard to wear that mask. He knew it wasn’t entirely for Remus either, he had to convince himself he could get out of bed, put on clothes, be a real human being again. He couldn’t remember it being so bloody hard. He hated feeling so spooked, like anything might set him off. Like a coward. He knew he’d been through a lot but it still felt shameful. Sirius glanced over to his wand, which he’d put next to the soap. It gave him a small measure of comfort to at least have something he could rely upon to defend himself once again. Perhaps that would help over time as well.

Feeling fresh and clean physically if not mentally, Sirius exited and toweled off before slipping into his new pajamas. He’d picked them especially for Remus.

“No,” Remus said, his eyes raking up Sirius body as the freshly showered wizard strode into the kitchen, grinning from ear to ear.

“What’s the matter Moony?”

“Please tell me those aren’t…”

“Wolf pajamas?” Why yes, yes they are,” Sirius finished, plopping down at the table.

Remus rolled his eyes and grabbed the plate of Yorkshire Pudding away from Sirius’ seat. “Bad dogs don’t get dinner.”

“What? They reminded me of you,” Sirius said in his most pathetic tone. He’d thought Remus would appreciate the homage.

Said werewolf leaned against the counter and dug a fork into the flaky crust and ate a mouthful. Sirius decided to see if his puppy-dog eyes still worked. Apparently he’d lost his touch or Remus had built up an immunity while he’d been away.

Sirius looked down at the soft material, taking one of the cute howling wolves between his fingers. “I like them though. They look like you...they’re...cute.”

“You think I’m...cute.” Remus looked over at him, his face deadpan.

“Well...I mean when you’re not bloodthirsty,” Sirius shrugged.

“Uh huh,” Remus said, cocking an eyebrow.

“When you’re playful you get this wolfy smile and sometimes you curl up like a croissant,” Sirius grinned.

Remus simply stared for a half a minute before his lip twitched. Then he handed Sirius a plate of food and sat beside him. Sirius smiled triumphantly.

“Mmph this is incredible Moony!” he said around a mouthful of food. “The house elves have nothing on your cooking.”

“Flatterer,” Remus said, but Sirius saw a faint smile as the other man shook his head.

Sirius must have been more hungry than he’d thought for he went through two servings before sighing and sitting back in his chair.

“I don’t ever want to move again,” Sirius murmured as he closed his eyes.

“Well I’m going to cut your hair now, so that would be wise, at least for the next few minutes,” Remus advised, coming up behind Sirius with the scissors.

Sirius heard Remus mutter the charm to turn his hair back to black before the other man stooped and began to trim his overly long locks.

“Want me to stand?” Sirius asked, realizing Remus was practically on the floor.

“In a minute. Just rest, I can take the ragged ends off first.”

Sirius listened to the snipping of the sheers for a bit as the other man worked, wondering just how much Remus would take off. As long as it wasn’t too short, he really didn’t care. Although he recalled Remus saying he liked it long. Weird.

“Okay stand up,” Remus instructed, so Sirius bit back a groan and stretched, sneaking a peak over his shoulder.

“Hey, you cut off practically nothing!”

“What do you mean?” Remus said, standing as well. “It was past your ass, now it’s to your back. Be grateful. And hold still.”

Sirius puffed air through his nose but settled into place once more as Remus took the jaggedness off the damp ends, stopping every so often to run it through his fingers to check the length. It felt incredibly relaxing. Every so often Remus would run a comb through, snip a bit, then brush his fingers through his scalp. Sirius let out a contented noise.

“All done,” Remus said, but continued to touch Sirius’ hair. It felt oddly familiar, like when Sirius used to lay his head in Remus’ lap at Hogwarts as the other boy read and Remus would absently stroke his hair.

“Let’s sit on the couch,” Remus suggested, and Sirius wondered if the other man was remembering the same thing. Without a word Remus sat down,folding one knee up and grabbing a book while Sirius laid down on the other side, his head resting on Remus thigh. Remus reached out absently to resume brushing his long fingers through the damp strands.

“Want me to turn on the tv?” Remus asked, nodding at the box Sirius only now realized existed.

“Oh...yeah sure. Put on whatever,” Sirius said. Not like he was caught up on any shows. Just having something mindless to focus on instead of dwelling on his own dark thoughts would be a blessing.

Remus clicked it on and put his hand back, nose still in his book.

Within five minutes, between the hum of the television, the soothing strokes of Remus fingers and the warmth of his body, Sirius was fast asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you as always Pariya for your amazing inspiration, help, and gorgeous artwork and Rachel for editing!  
> For those of you waiting for things to get steamy, the wait is almost over! Ch 5 will be explicit I promise (sorry I love to torture you all with a good slow burn)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus has a difficult time dealing with Sirius's nightmares, secrets, and waking up with Sirius pressed against him every morning. So why take a cold shower when you can have a hot one?

 

Remus looked down at Sirius where he slept in his lap and smiled. It was amazing how sleep took off years and cares from the other man’s face. If he closed his eyes, he was transported back to Hogwarts. Back to the common room where they’d sit like this for hours. Him studying, Sirius doing anything but studying, as they’d relax by the fire in overstuffed chairs on chilly fall days. Remus sighed. This was good too though. It was nice to have Sirius home.

He raked his fingers through Sirius’ long hair, touching his face slightly as he went. He pulled at one lock, admiring the glossy length. It was hardly an understatement that he was glad Sirius had not made an undue fuss about leaving it long. Remus liked it. It suited the other man, who, despite the years and fears he carried, was still beauty personified. He wonder if Sirius even noticed anymore. The other man used to be quite vain about his looks, but other than wanting some nice shampoo he hadn’t seemed overly egotistical. Remus wasn’t sure if it was something he missed or not. He brushed back Sirius’ hair again.

It was nice to see Sirius had been willing to go out. He’d been afraid that the other man would’ve been too apprehensive to even do that, as rough as last night had been, but Sirius had ever been the adventurer and he wasn’t a Gryffindor for nothing. Still, seeing how easily Sirius jumped at shadows and loud noises worried Remus. He hoped that with time and routine, Sirius would find that there was less to be afraid of than he thought.

Although, Remus admitted to himself, that he liked being there for Sirius, being an anchor for him in his stormy mind. It felt nice to be needed after having spent so much time depending on others. Now the cuddling… Remus almost chuckled but held back so as not to awaken his friend. It was particularly cute but also a double edged sword. Remus hated that Sirius needed that comfort simply to sleep, yet it was also difficult for him. To be so close to Sirius and not show any kind of reaction was close to torture. He wasn’t sure how many mornings he could wake up hard, with the man he’d loved since he was a boy next to him within easy reach. It wasn’t like it would be forever, he reasoned. And for now, well that’s what cold showers were for. Or hot ones if he had the time and could stifle his moans.

Remus suppressed that train of thought before it could go anywhere, especially with Sirius laying there on his thigh. Instead he allowed Sirius to sleep there for a bit before awaking him to get ready for bed. They’d both had a long day and Remus reasoned it was best to tuck in early.

“Sirius,” he said softly, nudging the other man gently, running his fingers one last time through his incredibly silky hair. How it was still be so healthy after years of him not washing or brushing it in prison, Remus could hardly fathom . Sirius yawned and looked up, paying Remus a sleepy smile.

“Let’s get to bed, yeah?” Remus suggested and laughed as Sirius burrowed in closer like the puppy he was. “Come on. I promise the bed’s more comfy than my bony leg.”

Finally Sirius complied, stretching and looking at Remus with tired eyes. “Are you going to shower?” he asked.

Remus frowned, wondering as the words. Perhaps Sirius didn’t want to be left alone. “Nah, I’ll shower in the morning. Come, let’s brush our teeth and get to bed.”

After their bedtime rituals, Remus turned off all but Sirius’ bedside lamp and the two climbed under the covers. Taking a deep breath, Remus mimicked how they’d awakened this morning. He let Sirius lay down first and then carefully took the other man in his arms, pressing Sirius’ head to his chest and folding him against himself. This left his chin to rest atop Sirius’ head. At least he didn’t have to look him in the eye, and it left his lower body free. He hoped this reminded Sirius of how he held Buckbeak, but honestly he had no idea how one snuggled a Hippogriff.

“This okay?” Remus asked, somewhat shakily, to which he got an imperceptible reply which he took as affirmative. Within minutes Sirius was asleep in his arms again.

Remus stayed as still as he could, worrying that any little movement might disturb his friend. His hand ran in soothing circles on Sirius’ back and even when his other arm fell asleep he only adjusted himself slightly so as not to awaken him. Even his own heartbeat felt too loud to his ears. Every breath Sirius took was something he measured, hoping it didn’t stutter or awaken him in terror. Sometimes he’d find himself nodding off only to start back to reality, wondering what had brought him back, wondering if it was Sirius, wondering if he needed him.

The sky was still dark as small whimpers drew Remus around from another bout of near-sleep. Blinking himself into action, Remus pulled Sirius closer, running his hand along his back in what he hoped was a reassuring manner that would quiet his mind. Though Sirius’ body was hot to the touch, his skin was beginning to break out in a cold sweat that worried Remus. When the whimpers turned to muttered words Remus grew more frantic. He wasn’t sure what was worse, awakening someone from their nightmares or allowing them to continue.

“Sirius,” Remus said softly, deciding after a minute that the situation was escalating. Now Sirius had gripped the front of Remus’ shirt and was spasmodically clenching and unclenching his hands as he whispered against his chest. Remus began to discern the sounds, quiet but harsh words of hatred that he’d never heard uttered from the other man’s lips before.

“Friendless...traitor...filthy...coward...never been born...just die…”

Sirius continued until the words became a tangled snarl.

“Sirius, Sirius wake up!” Remus shouted, practically shaking the man, completely at a loss.

He was just about to pull away when strong hands grasped him by the shoulders, flipping Remus and pinning him to the bed.

The breath left Remus’s lungs as he lay immobilized, Sirius arching menacingly over him. Sirius had his arms secured to his sides with a strength that did not match his slight form. Heavy thighs held Remus’ own in place as well and as he looked up past the curtain of dark hair that framed Sirius’ face, all he saw were sightless eyes that would not meet his own.

Dark. So much darkness. Remus saw none of the stormy grey that was Sirius anywhere in their depths. Where had he gone?

“Sirius?” he tried shakily when he felt the tightness in his lungs dissipate slightly. “Sirius!”

The other man paid him no mind. Remus couldn’t tell if Sirius thought him a threat or simply did not see him at all. He didn’t know which was more terrifying. He bucked his body and tried to move his arms, but their immobility sent waves of irrational panic down his spine. Now he was the one in the dark, pulled back to horrors he wished to forget. To dark sheds, locked away, his arms chained so he couldn’t move as he transformed, alone and in pain, hidden away from the world where no one would ever love him. Remus’ throat grew tight and he closed his eyes only to open them to find that his closest friend was now his shackles.

“Sirius, get the fuck off me,” he tried again in frantic desperation, wiggling in another vain attempt. Sirius simply stared. “I’ll make you french toast. Buy you a motorcycle. Whatever you want. Just wake up damn it!”

Remus was shaking and shouting by now and not getting any results despite it all. Even stranger he swore Sirius’s hands were heating up. Remus shook his head. He needed to think. He looked down at his own hands. If he just bent them slightly he wondered if he could dig his nails into Sirius’s thighs. He’d hate to hurt his friend but he really did not know how long this would last and he knew for sure he did not want the situation to escalate further.

“Sirius,” he continued to shout the man’s name over and over as he strained his wrists, bending them forward to dig his nails through the man’s pajamas and into his skin.

“Sirius, Sirius damn it wake up!”

Whether it was the shouting or the pain that got through to Sirius, Remus didn’t know, nor did he care, but with a gasp he watched the light come back the other man’s eyes.

“Fuck,” Remus swore, his head falling back on the bed. Now that it was done his nerves were fried and he was shaking and wondering what the hell had just happened.

Sirius seemed to incrementally be coming back to himself. Remus raised his leaden head to watch as Sirius’ muscles loosened their substantial hold and he pulled his hands back, gawking at each one as if they were some strange sentient plant he’d just sprouted in Herbology. But when he stared down at Remus, saw how he’d pinned his friend to the bed, Remus quickly forgot his own woes as he watched Sirius crumple before him.

“No,” Sirius cried as he backed up, stumbling off the bed and onto the ground, where he let out a lost sob.

Remus quickly pulled himself together, springing up and grabbing Sirius by the wrists, sitting him back on the bed.

“Sirius, hey come back to me,” Remus said patiently. When Sirius refused to respond Remus sighed and took a step closer, standing between the other man’s legs as Sirius looked down, his hair falling in lanky strands to cover his face. Remus parted the waterfall of hair and grabbed Sirius’ chin, forcing the other man to look up at him.

“Sirius, do you know me?” he asked pointedly.

Nodding, Sirius bit his bottom lip, his eyes glassy as they sought Remus. “I’m so sorry Remus,” he said finally, his voice breaking on the words.

Remus pressed his lips together, deciding what best to do for his friend. “What do you remember?” he settled on, deciding to get it out of the way.

Sirius shook his head. “Nothing. Just...nightmares. Of Azkaban. Then I woke up. Over you. I can’t…”. He put his head in his hands.

Remus pulled Sirius to him and stroked his fingers through his hair. At least it was just a dream, not like last night where the other man saw things in the real world.

“Are you...okay?” Remus heard the words muffled against his chest.

He almost laughed at the absurdity. Sirius was the one with the nightmares from hell and HE was the one worried? “Yeah. I’m not hurt. Just a bit shocked is all.”

Sirius nodded against him. “I feel...horrible.”

“I bet,” Remus sighed.

“Really. I’m all sticky. And sore. And what I did to you…”

“Hey, I said I’m fine. Come here.” Remus pulled Sirius up and towards the bathroom. He closed the toilet lid and sat Sirius down upon it. “Lift up your pajamas. Think I may have bloodied you trying to wake you up.”

Frowning, Sirius hiked up the material to expose his thighs. Luckily there were merely scratches, allowing Remus to not have to apply his paltry first aid knowledge.

“Why am I all sweaty?” Sirius frowned down at himself.

Remus shook his head. “You were muttering and started to break out in a cold sweat at first. You can shower if you like.”

Sirius drew in a sharp breath. “Will you stay with me?”

“While you shower?” Remus held back the bemusement in his tone. “Sure, if it helps.”

“I just don’t want to be alone.”

Remus nodded and stepped over to turn on the faucet. When he turned back he got a stunning view of pale skin as Sirius let his nightclothes fall to the ground. Reminding himself that now was neither the time nor the place to gape, Remus attempted not to blush and turned away even as his memory catalogued Sirius’ perfect body, tucking it safely away. He didn’t turn back until he heard the shower door open and then close, and only then did Remus plod over to wearily sit himself down on the toilet lid.

“Remus?” Sirius said after half a minute.

“You alright in there?” Remus asked and a moment later a wet hand snaked out the door. Raising a brow, Remus shrugged before reaching out to squeeze it. That seemed to be what the other man needed, at least for the moment.

Only when Remus began to doze off into his hands did he realize Sirius had been in the shower a bit too long.

“Hey Sirius, you almost done?” he said, worriedly. There was no reply. “Sirius?”

Remus hastily opened the door to find Sirius sitting on the shower floor, knees up, his wet hair hanging in tendrils over his shoulders and down his back.

“Sirius,” he sighed, shutting off the water and stepping in, completely soaking his pajama pants and not caring one bit.

He stepped gingerly on the wet tile floor, squeezing into the cramped space and bending down to his friend and attempting to wrap him in his arms. Sirius’ body was beginning to cool with the spray turned off and Remus watched as the rivulets of water ran down his pale skin.

“Remus?” Sirius said after a moment, his head close to Remus as they huddled there, his body starting to shake. “I’m not alright.”

Remus sighed and hugged him harder.

The rest of the night went as well as could be expected. After Remus got Sirius warmed and dressed, they sat on the bed neither ready to say anything until the light of day but both in need of comfort. Remus rested with his back to the headboard, Sirius against his side, each dozing off sporadically throughout the night. Sirius had another incident of sleep talking but it was nothing Remus couldn’t quickly awaken him from. Lights and warmth seemed to chase away the darkness and Remus wondered how long it would take him to grow accustomed to sleeping with both. Not that having Sirius tucked against him was a hardship by any means, but it did take some getting used to. Especially when Sirius liked to curl around him in his sleep, as he did now.

Though he was beyond exhausted from being up half the night, his mind was wide awake as he was an early riser and the sun had been up for hours. The only reason Remus had not gotten out of bed was to allow Sirius some extra time to sleep in, but he was quickly growing restless to start the day. And now, with Sirius moving against him, beginning to awaken, he was hoping the other man was soon to rise.

He allowed himself another moment, brushing his fingers through Sirius’ hair where he slept against Remus’ chest, tucked against his side. The other man seemed so peaceful, it was such a shame to wake him. Warm breath puffed against Remus through his shirt and he felt as Sirius’ leg wrapped around him to pull him close.

Remus’s eyes widened. There, against his thigh, he could feel the very distinct press of Sirius’ cock against him. Though the other man was soft, it was no less arousing. Remus attempted to pull away but that only made Sirius let out a little sleepy moan which of course went straight to Remus’ own prick. Damn it, Remus thought as he felt himself harden, wondering what was the best way to get out of bed without waking the other man. He needed a cold shower fast, as evidence by the tenting of his pants. It wasn’t helping that Sirius’ hand rested on his stomach, mere inches from where his rapidly growing cock seemed to be rising toward.

Holding his breath, Remus grabbed a pillow and tucked it under Sirius in place of himself and made a mad dash for the bathroom. Closing the door with as little noise as possible he turned on the shower and prayed that the water heated up quickly in the old rusty pipes. He whipped off his clothes, throwing them in a forgotten heap before stepping under the spray and sighing contentedly. Damn he needed this.

Remus looked down, past the scars that scattered across his otherwise smooth chest, his flat stomach and narrow hips, to his cock where it jutted forth. He couldn’t believe how hard Sirius made him. With not an ounce of trepidation Remus gripped himself, moaning into his own touch as water fell down his back, scattering like his thoughts. All he could focus on was his own need, his own hunger, and how much he wanted Sirius. Sirius with his beautiful body. He’d stolen that glimpse last night, of that pale smooth skin, firm muscles and round ass. And his cock. Remus had almost forgotten what a beautiful cock Sirius had. Even soft, it was a sight to behold, long and cut, he couldn’t even imagine how it would be to look upon hard and wanting. What he wouldn’t give to take it in his mouth, worship it with is lips and mouth, to make Sirius beg for release.

Remus forgot to suppress his groans. Damn, the walls were thin, he should be more careful. He planted a hand on the tile wall as he sped up, pressing into his fingers, working himself root to tip, watching as beads of precum mixed with water droplets to spill down the drain like his unrequited feelings. He wanted to hate Sirius for this, for making his life so lonely, without relationships, even one night stands. No one was ever good enough. No one was Sirius.

But instead he just loved him. Lusted after him. Got off in the shower to thoughts of him. To his cock pressed against Remus’ thigh, the slight feel of the outline and Remus just wishing the other man would wake up hard so he might know what it would feel like just one time. His little sleepy moans that Remus could pretend were out of lust, wishing they were made for him. And, thought he hated to even think on it, the image of Sirius above him. Though it had scared the shit out of him, a part of his brain had also been incredibly open to Sirius pinning him to the bed again. Maybe with less force and more passion.

Remus groaned and jerked his hips, seeking friction, wishing it were Sirius’s hands on him, getting him off. He wondered what those strong fingers would feel like, wrapped around his heated skin, tugging at him, pleasuring him, wanting him to come into his hand.

“Remus, you alright?”

With a stifled moan and his cock in his hand Remus bit back a curse. God damn it, Remus thought, these wall ARE thin.

“Fine, I’ll be...out in a minute. Five minutes,” Remus managed. He hoped to god, Merlin, whoever, that he’d locked the door.

“Okay,” he heard Sirius’ muffled voice retreat. Remus almost called him back to keep talking. That alone could probably bring him off.

Instead he thrust his hips, his movements getting more frantic as he sought release. His cock felt so heavy in his hand, he hadn’t had a moment to do this since Sirius’ return. He thought of all the times Sirius had touched him, hugged him, wrapped his arms around him. Every stolen moment of brushing his fingers through Sirius’ beautiful hair or glances he wasn’t supposed to take but couldn’t resist. Sirius would probably kill him if he ever found out but it was beyond him to care. He was too far gone. So Remus fucked his hand and bit back the name of the man he loved as he came, panting and spent, his fingers sticky and his body hot with feelings he wished he never possessed.

He washed the cum from the wall before leaning against it momentarily, sighing and asking himself for the millionth time what the hell was wrong with him? Then he stopped the line of self deprecation before it could take hold, washed his hair with Sirius’ ridiculous new products, and decided they actually made him feel about three percent better about himself for some unknown silly Sirius-type reason.

Grabbing a towel, Remus shut off the water and dried off quickly before wrapping it around his waist and strolling back into the bedroom. In it he found Sirius, dressed but still sitting on the bed, his expression unreadable. Remus was beyond caring if Sirius had overheard him. He was just too tired.

“I was thinking of sending an owl to Dumbledore. For advice,” Remus said after Sirius looked up at him. He walked to his dresser, pulled out a jumper and trousers before dropping his towel.

“Oh,” Sirius replied quietly behind his back. “Yeah, that’s a thought.”

Remus turned as he pulled on his jumper before grabbing the towel from the floor, running it through his hair to fluff it a bit. “Maybe he knows someone who can help. Or something.”

Nodding, Sirius glanced down at his hands, as if they held the answers.

“I’m here to help Sirius,” Remus said, stepping closer. “But I can’t pretend I’m enough. Not after what I’ve seen. And I think you know that.”

Sirius didn’t answer right away. Remus could see his jaw muscles working, the words stuck in his throat before he could form them. He couldn’t imagine what his friend was going through.

“Do you think I’m weak?”

That was not at all what he’d expected to hear.

Remus almost laughed at the absurdity of the words, except that he knew that was a real, true fear the other man must have. How, why-- he had no idea.

“Sirius Black,” Remus said, sitting beside him and shaking his head. “You are the most dramatic, egotistical, beautiful, and often idiotic wizard I have ever met. But you’re also one of the bravest. Up there with Lily and James. So don’t ever think that of yourself again, you hear me?”

Sirius didn’t quite look like he believed him but after a moment he reached out to take Remus in his arms.

“Okay,” he said into Remus’ shoulder. “I’m ready to get help.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always thank you to Piku-chwan for your ideas and beautiful art and Rachel K for helping edit my grammar mistakes!
> 
> I hope the porn was worth the wait, I love a slow burn fic if you can't tell, so don't worry there will be more to come (XD) and it won't all be solo action! Remus' hand will need a break sometime!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius wants to be there for Remus during his transformation and finds how much closer he feels to his friend while caring for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter includes the aftermath of a werewolf transformation, so if you're squeamish reading about blood please skip or skim these parts!

 

Sirius felt like the worst friend in the entire world. It was the night of the full moon, he’d been back nearly two weeks, and up until now he’d been so wrapped up in his own problems that he had all but forgotten his best friend was a werewolf. There were little reminders obviously--the scars, the grey hair at his temples that no thirty-three year old should have, the fact that Remus seemed overly attuned to the night, the sky, the stars. But Sirius had forgotten about the transformations. What his friend would have to endure. And he wondered what he should do about it as well.

Honestly he wondered if Remus would want him around.

Sirius lay back on the couch and worried at a hole in the knee of his denim. It’d been an hour since Remus had left, supposedly to pick up the Wolfsbane potion from Dumbledore. Sirius didn’t believe it. Potion-making was the strong-suit of one rather unlikable greasy-haired git whom Remus had told him was “not half bad” but Sirius refused to believe. It was just as likely Snape was out to poison Remus as relieve his symptoms, in his opinion. Remus had told him to “get over himself” as he’d left and that had been that. Maybe Snape was right. They sure fought like an old married couple.

He hated fighting with Remus. The days leading up to the full moon were the hardest for the werewolf. The anticipation, the caginess, the aching of his muscles and joints. Sirius did not blame him for getting moody. He just hated adding to his problems. Sirius had had another episode last night. Nothing horrible like that first week, but it had still kept them up for a couple hours of the night when Remus should have been resting.

He’d become aware only as Remus had pulled him out from under the bed, his newfound refuge against Dementors in the semi-lucid states where shadows were never what they appeared. The first thing he saw was Remus’s sad eyes as he reached out to him, pulled him back to bed, and hoped that this would be the night’s only incident.

Fortunately it had been, yet the tension he had felt radiating off Remus’ body as he’d fallen asleep against his side told him the man had been up battling demons far later than he had. Sirius sighed, a deep breath of defeat. He wished Remus would let him help more. He knew he was no good with emotions, but he truly was trying. Both of them had their own inner wars to wage, yet at times Remus seemed to take it all-- both his and Sirius’s troubles--onto his own slumping shoulders, and attempted to bear them both. And it wasn’t just the werewolf stuff. Or losing his job. Sirius saw something else, something empty in the other man’s eyes. Something that reminded him a little too much of himself when he looked too close.

He hated thinking about his missing pieces. James, Lily, Harry to some extent. His family, all dead and gone. Peter, the damn traitor. He had Remus though, Remus with those same missing pieces. They never talked about it though. Perhaps they should.

After that horrible second night, when he’d woken pinning Remus to the bed, when he’d sat in the shower, terrified that he might accidentally harm his best friend without even realizing it because of how broken he was, they’d both decided to ask for help. Dumbledore had, of course, come to their aid. The Headmaster had an old friend and Order member whom he trusted implicitly that used to work for Saint Mungos. She’d spearheaded a program to deal with the after effects of trauma on the brain, taking from Muggle research as well as magic, and the combination had proven to be highly successful. Though she was now retired, she had offered to meet with Sirius four times that first week and twice a week since.

Remus,conveniently, always found errands to run during that time. Once the therapist had asked if Remus would like to stay and both men had said “no” within the same breath. Sirius wished his friend had said yes. And then each time it was done, Remus would come home and act like nothing happened.

Not that Sirius opened up about his sessions either. They both were there for one another, but it had been so much simpler to spell out in letters than to say in person. Only at night, when Sirius felt broken and ready to give up, would he sometimes tell things to Remus. Things he’d later regret adding to the other man’s burdens to bear.

At least tonight he’d be up the whole time with Remus and not have to worry about it. Probably. If Remus wanted him here.

Sirius frowned. He was pretty sure the other man had left early just to get out of the house. To get away from him. Not that Sirius blamed him. It was probably like babysitting. What thirty-three year old man suddenly wanted a mental freak dumped in his lap? Here, he’s like a giant puppy but will ruin you for everything, job, lovelife, you name it. Oh and he’ll randomly pin you to the bed, cry in your shower and eat you out of french toast.

Sirius was just thinking he wouldn’t blame Remus if he stayed away almost till dark when the door swung open. With lots of daylight to spare. Maybe the other man wasn’t as adverse to his company as Sirius thought. Popping his head up, Sirius looked over to see that the other man had even brought him coffee. He could tell it was for him because there was definitely a hot chocolate in Remus’ other hand almost overflowing with marshmallows.

“Get your potion okay Remus?” Sirius said, padding over to the kitchen.

Remus looked tired. He pushed his shaggy hair out of his eyes and Sirius’ chest ached to notice the dark circles under them.

“Yeah, I put it in my cocoa, tastes like mangy Quidditch socks otherwise.” Remus shuddered and took a sip.

“I bet Snape does that on purpose. He could make it taste like rosewater if he wanted, that git.”

Remus opened his mouth to protest then quickly closed it. He either wasn’t in the mood to argue or couldn’t think of a good comeback.

“Ha! So it was Snape!” Sirius crowed triumphantly, putting his leg up on the table only to have Remus swat at it.

“I’ll neither confirm nor deny…”

“Guilty!”

“My that was a speedy trial,” Remus said, slumping in his chair, but one corner of his mouth tugged into a tiny smile and that was all Sirius really wanted.

“So about tonight…” Sirius started and Remus’ features shifted back to frown-mode. “No hear me out. I want to be here with you. I know it’s been years but please. Let me do this for you.”

“Okay.”

“Oh.”

“What, you thought I’d put up more of a fight?” Remus shrugged, sinking lower in his chair, if that was possible. “I don’t have it in me right now. Well I do, but I’d probably punch you or pin you to the bed or something.”

“Kinky Moony,” Sirius said, raising an eyebrow.

Remus only glowered. “There will be rules. Unbreakable rules.”

“Yeah yeah,” Sirius said, waving his hand about.

“Take this seri...solemnly. Sirius. Alright?” Remus met Sirius’s eyes. “No leaving the flat. No changing back until I do first. You can’t let anyone else in under any circumstances. Also, I’ll probably be pretty pissed off at you for not being around for thirteen years. If you can’t deal with that, and think about it, this is an angry dominant werewolf we’re talking about, then don’t do this. I will be fine without you. Have been for thirteen years.”

Sirius tried not to flinch at the bitterness of those last few words but they still made his heart hurt.

“I SOLEMNLY swear,” Sirius said without breaking eye contact, “so stop trying to deter me. I’m doing this. There is nothing you can say to stop me. Plus I can’t wait to see how cute and sleepy you get on your Wolfsbane my cinnamon roll!” Sirius said, hugging Remus who rolled his eyes and groaned.

“I thought I was a croissant?”

...oooOO0OOooo…

As Sirius lay, pinned under Remus this time, he couldn't help but marvel at just how in touch the other man was with his werewolf side.

Remus had made Sirius change into his animagus form an hour before moonrise and then leave the room, still unable to abide anyone watching his grisly transformation. So Sirius, as Padfoot, had lay in the kitchen, his head on his paws, whimpering as he heard the cries of his best friend from the bedroom through the thin door.

God he hated this. Feeling so useless, so helpless. Though the Wolfsbane was supposed to abate the symptoms, it did nothing to ease the transformation itself. Flesh still tore, bones still broke, tendons still snapped and everything reworked itself in excruciating evolution until the man was ripped to shreds and the wolf emerged.

When Sirius had nosed opened the bedroom door, he’d come face to face with amber eyes looming over him. Damn, he’d forgotten just how huge Moony was. He towered over Sirius’ dog form, twice as large at least and so much stronger, covered in a thick grey coat and a powerful muzzle that could snap bone without hesitation.

Then Moony pounced.

...oooOO0OOooo…

Sirius’ chest still ached hours later, that massive paw print felt permanently etched into his ribcage which he pressed his hand to it the moment he transformed back from Padfoot. With his back to the wall, Sirius sat on the kitchen floor watching the sun rise, attempting short deep breaths while Remus battled his wolf in the back bedroom. The cries of pain, the snap of bones, the gurgle of blood, they hurt him more than any physical damage could. He remembered Remus saying he would have traded places with him in Azkaban if he could. Sirius knew exactly what he meant every full moon.

Although it was almost a miracle to see the change the Wolfsbane had wrought. Yes, he’d still been pinned to the floor by one very angry dominant werewolf, just as Remus had predicted, but after? Well afterwards it was almost cute.

Once Sirius had bared his neck, exposing his throat to the other should he choose to rip the very life force from his animagus body, the wolf had seemed appeased. It had let him up, brought his gigantuan nose to the side of Sirius’ neck and sniffed him before prodding Padfoot with his snout until he’d joined the wolf in the bedroom.

Then, apparently as exhausted as Remus had been, the wolf curled up on a pile of blankets at the foot of the bed and slept. Or at least Sirius had thought the wolf asleep until one large amber eye opened to watch him. He decided to take the hint.

The wolf wanted him close, so Sirius had padded up to the beast before laying down beside him, head resting wearily on his paws. He felt the warmth of body heat at the wolf shifted beside him, laying his massive head beside his own, hot breath stirring the hairs upon Padfoot’s nape. And there they rested.

Sirius grimaced as another cry, one much more human than the last, rent through the air. He only wished the entire process could have been as tranquil an affair. He clenched his hand and hit his head lightly against the back of the wall in a helpless gesture.

Within minutes the horror seemed to abate and Sirius decided to risk a peek. Only shuddering breaths could be heard as he placed his ear to the door, some moans and groans, nothing wolf-like that would spell danger to his own life.

Nudging open the door Sirius failed to bite back a gasp. There was so much more blood than he remembered. It pooled by the foot of the bed, seeping into the cracks and whorls in the wooden floors, spidering out toward him like something alive. Clumps of grey fur caught in it, like strange passengers on a river of death. Sirius shuddered as he stepped in the unavoidable mess that minutes before had been inside his friend’s body. The thought was too macabre to dwell upon.

And there lay Remus, naked, covered in blood and curled in upon himself, his breathing ragged, his eyes closed tight as he fought back the pain. Sirius knelt, the knee of his pants instantly soaked in red, and touched a tentative hand along Remus’ face. The other man shuddered and coughed up blood so Sirius got down on the ground and propped Remus up against his leg, not wanting him to choke. He held his head as Remus coughed up more, brow furrowed and body spasming as his muscles learned to work again, as the blood began to flow through new veins and pump a human heart once more.

Then the coughing stopped and Remus simply breathed against him, shuddering breaths full of pain that Sirius wished he could ease. He cursed himself for forgetting to grab the healing potions by Remus’ bedside before sitting down.

“Remus?” Sirius tried, brushing bloody hair from his friend’s face. He used the sleeve of his shirt to wipe at Remus’ eyes, clearing them of blood in case the other man decided to open them. He did not.

Instead Remus let out a soft moan of pain that hurt right where the wolf had stepped on him earlier.

“Hey Remus?” Sirius touched his shoulder then his head, then his face again, unsure what to do. “Remus, I have to get the pain potions. I’m going to lay you down but I’ll be right back.”

Remus groaned again and arched his spine inward as Sirius set his head back to the floor, promising again he’d only be a moment. He vaulted over the bed, grabbing his wand and the handful of small vials Remus had instructed him to administer once the moon had abated. Sirius only hoped they worked faster than the ones from when they were kids.

With a quick flick of his wand he cleaned away what blood he could from Remus and the floor, though patches still clung to the other man’s hair and at junctures of his body like his knees and armpits. Then Sirius settled back, pulling Remus between his legs as best he could and popping the top to the first potion.

“Remus, hey I need you to drink this,” Remus didn’t seem to hear him, “Please Moony, it’ll help. I can’t stand seeing you like this.”

Something must have gotten through to Remus, for though he didn’t open his eyes, his jaw unclenched, and chapped lips cracked enough for Sirius to pour the potion through. And then another. Until a pile of empty bottles littered the floor. Then he waited.

Soon Remus’ breathing seemed to even out, each intake of air exhausted less effort, was filled with less agony, until even the worried crease in Remus’ brow had softened. When he finally opened his eyes Sirius was watching, arms wrapped tightly around him.

“Hey,” Remus said, his voice hoarse and rough.

“Hey,” Sirius repeated back. “How do you feel?”

“I don’t know yet,” Remus said, experimentally flexing his muscles. “Sore, really sore, but I don’t think I have any wounds. Did I scratch or bite myself?”

“Nope,” Sirius said, and he couldn’t help but recall it with a fond smile. “You really were tame. You just wanted to curl up and sleep with me.”

“Oh,” Remus seemed taken aback. “Well good.”

“I think you need a bath though,” Sirius suggested, “if you’re up for it.”

“I can try,” Remus said, glancing down at himself for the first time. “Well so much for modesty.”

Sirius shrugged against him. “You make it seem like I’ve never seen you naked.”

“We were young, it’s different now.”

Sirius didn’t reply. Different was an understatement.

“I’m going to get up,” he said instead, watching as Remus slumped against the end of the bed in place of him.

“Show off,” Remus murmured and Sirius smirked as he stood.

“I’ll go run the bath, be right back.”

He returned to find Remus attempting to stand, which seemed like less of a good idea than he’d originally thought. The man’s muscles were spasming, fatigued from the transformation and unable to hold his weight.

“How do you normally do this?” Sirius asked, putting an arm under Remus for support.

“Well after laying on the floor for hours in my own blood I usually crawl to my potions, pass out a few times, and wake up a day later. THEN I take a bath.”

“Shit.”

“Yeah,” Remus agreed just as his knees gave out.

But before he could fall Sirius summoned whatever strength reserves he had and picked Remus up, getting to the bathroom just as his own back was about to give.

“Damn you’re heavy Moony.”

“Hey I didn’t ask to be carried like a damsel in distress,” the other man said as Sirius gave him a wall to lean upon while he tested the water.

“Trust me, there’s nothing damsel-like about you,” Sirius said, turning back.

Remus blushed and looked at the floor.

Sirius then remembered that Remus was very naked and that probably fell on the list of inappropriate things to say to your nude friend.

“I mean your scars,” Sirius said, clearing his throat. “They’re...manly.”

“Uh huh,” Remus said, shaking his head.

“Now let’s get you in the bath shall we?” Sirius said, changing the subject. He let Remus lean on him as he held the wall with the other hand and slowly they were able to lower him into the tub.

Remus sighed as the warm water hit his abused skin. Sirius pretended not to notice as the water began to turn red with his blood.

“Better?”

“Mmm, much,” Remus said, basking in the luxury he so desperately needed.

“Scoot forward a bit, I’ll rinse your hair,” Sirius said, and Remus turned to give him an inscrutable look. “What, I want to help.”

Remus shrugged and did as he said. Cupping water with his hands, Sirius poured it over the bloodied strands as Remus leaned back with his eyes shut tight. He brushed his fingers through, working each lock until the water ran clear. Then he did it again. He knew how much he loved when Remus brushed his hair, so he decided this was like returning the favor.

“A wolf could get used to this,” Remus sighed, sinking lower into the tub.

“And why shouldn’t you?” Sirius said, a bit perplexed.

Remus turned to him and then looked down at his hands below the water. “Forgive me for not assuming you’d stay for an encore of a literal bloodbath, proceeded by carrying around your naked friend after he’s coughed up blood all over you.”

“You’re forgetting being pinned by a werewolf to the kitchen floor,” Sirius said and Remus’s eyes went wide.

“No.”

“Yep, didn’t try anything though. You just wanted to sniff me and get me to submit. Then we snuggled, remember?”

“Hmm,” Remus murmured.

“Regardless, I’m here for you. And not just because you’ve been here for me. You could kick me out on my bony ass today and I’d still come pawing at the door each full moon to help.” Sirius hadn’t meant for it to become such a heart to heart but he was glad he’d said what he said.

“Why?”

“What do you mean ‘why?’ We’re friends. I care. Plus...it’s nice to be needed. For once,” Sirius ran a hand through Remus’ wet hair before catching his surprised reflection in the surface of the water.

“Oh.” Remus turned, looking Sirius in the eye. “I get that.”

Sirius smiled and Remus attempted one back but it looked more like a grimace.

“Want me to run some clean water?” Sirius suggested.

“Nah, I’m knackered. Just get me to bed, I’ll shower tomorrow. Maybe.”

Sirius chuckled and got to his feet, grabbing a towel. “Think you can stand or…”

“Yeah, the bath helped a lot,” Remus said, using the side of the tub to bring himself to his feet. He was a bit unsteady but with Sirius’ arm he was able to shakily make his way to sit on the toilet lid. Sirius averted his eyes and handed Remus the towel, which then just sat in the other man’s lap.

“Sorry, just need a minute,” Remus said, taking deep breaths like he’d run a marathon instead of walked the five steps from the tub.

“Lemme get your hair then,” Sirius suggested, grabbing another towel and throwing it over Remus’ head. He heard a muffled scolding of “Sirius” from beneath but decided to ignore it as he massaged the other man’s scalp, only pulling off the towel when he felt it would be nice and fluffy.

Remus rolled his eyes as the towel was removed and Sirius chuckled, kneeling in front of him to towel off his shoulders.

“You look like a hedgehog,” Sirius observed, pulling Remus close to tousle his spiky hair.

Remus let out a little annoyed snort in response but then his muscles spasmed, throwing him forward to knock foreheads with Sirius. Startled, Sirius thrust out his hand to hold Remus steady by the shoulder.

“Shit, sorry,” Remus said breathily, leaning against Sirius’ forehead momentarily before pulling away.

“First you pin me, now you headbut me,” Sirius scolded jokingly.

“It’s all part of the fun of befriending a werewolf,” Remus sighed, sitting back. He grabbed the towel from his lap, dragging it lightly over his legs and chest before running out of energy again. Sirius watched, worried.

“Want help with that?” he asked after a moment, observing the water droplets that began to cool on Remus’ newly healed skin, sending up goosebumps along his flesh.

Remus gave him a curious look before shaking his head. “Just help me to bed?”

Sirius wrapped an arm around Remus’ waist, feeling the firmness of his muscles beneath his fingers as he brought him to his feet. With shaking hands, Remus tied the towel around his hips and placed his arm over Sirius’s shoulder before they walked slowly back to the bedroom. Listening to Remus’ labored breathing, feeling his body shiver against him, it really hit Sirius just how vulnerable Remus was at these times and how horrible it must have been for him to be alone for so long. Honestly, it seemed a miracle he had survived each transformation.

Once he got Remus sitting on the side of the bed, Sirius searched around for the man’s pajama pants. He could tell Remus could barely keep his eyes open when he returned, the morning light played softly in his golden hair as his face was framed against the window pane. Someone should paint a portrait like that, Sirius thought, a study of strength and weakness, beauty and pain.

When he handed the clothing to Remus, Sirius could tell he’d need to help him once more. If Remus bent over he’d probably just fall.

“Let me get your feet in them,” Sirius suggested, watching the strain in Remus’ shoulders lessen.

“Thanks, normally I wouldn’t even bother,” Remus said tiredly.

“You sleep in the nude? Moony, you’ve got a wild side!”

Remus shook his head. “You have no idea.”

“I like what the moon does to your inhibitions,” Sirius chuckled, kneeling on the floor to pull first one leg and then the other into the pants.

“I think I’m just too tired to care,” Remus admitted as Sirius stopped at his knees.

“Speaking of, you’re going to have to remove that towel.”

“Oh.” Remus didn’t move. “I’ve got this,” he said after a moment, using one hand to steady himself against the mattress as he stood.

Sirius didn’t have a chance to look away as the towel dropped, but he turned away blushing as Remus’s fingers found his and pulled the pants the remainder of the way up his thighs. Only once he was sure his friend was decent did Sirius turn back, finding Remus had fallen back on the bed and was now curled up and ready for sleep.

“You might want to change,” Remus suggested sleepily.

Only then did Sirius realize he was still wearing clothes covered in the other man’s blood. “Bloody hell.”

“Sorry,” Remus apologized tiredly.

“Not your fault Moony,” Sirius said, slipping into the nickname once again. Walking toward the dresser, Sirius pulled out his own pajamas before shucking off his stained clothes to be dealt with later. He felt eyes on him and turned back.

“You alright?” he asked, strangely realizing that was the first time that morning that he’d asked Remus.

“Yeah, sorry,” Remus said, closing his eyes as Sirius walked back and around to the other side of the bed.

“Let’s get some sleep, yeah?” Sirius suggested, pulling back the covers and climbing in.

“I’m probably going to have more spasms,” Remus warned sleepily.

“Don’t care,” Sirius replied, pulling the other man’s back up against his chest and laying his arm across.

And even when Remus’ body shook and awakened him time after time, he held him close and realized he really didn’t mind one bit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always thank you to Piku-chwan for her beautiful art and inspiration for this fic and Rachel K for being an awesome editor!  
> Hope you all like the feels of this chapter, it's always harder for me to write from Sirius' POV so comment if you like it or have suggestions to improve it!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus is sent on a mission for Dumbledore but finds it's harder than he imagined to be away from Sirius

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry there was a lag between chapters, this one's over twice as long as most so it took awhile, hope that makes up for it!

Remus was incredibly grateful he had recovered so quickly after the full moon. He was even more so when, two days later, Dumbledore showed up on his doorstep to send him on a mission. Seeing as he didn’t have the aches and pains usually suffered after his transformation, Remus had no excuse to prolong leaving,. Not that he wasn’t glad to help Dumbledore in any way he could. Feeling so useless, helpless, when others were out fighting and protecting had him sinking deeper into depression, at least until Sirius had come back into his life and given him purpose.

A purpose Remus felt he was currently neglecting, being away for three days, but there was not much to be done about it. Though he had kept Dumbledore up to date on Sirius’s episodes, the elderly wizard seemed to think the other man had made enough progress to be left alone for longer stretches of time. A conclusion which Remus wholly disagreed with.

He remembered standing by his kitchen table, arms folded across his chest, attempting to convince Dumbledore to allow him to return home, each night at the very least, to check on Sirius.

“I just don’t see why I can’t apparate home, I have to sleep somewhere,” Remus had said, a bit petulantly, thinking back on it.

“I understand your concerns my boy,” Dumbledore had stated calmly, “and I assure you, I’ll be in to check on Sirius each day. You can even owl him. But I can’t allow even the slightest chance that someone could trace you apparating back and forth so often.”

Dumbledore had been right, he knew that there was much at stake if the wizard was acting so cautious, yet it still ate away at Remus’ heart to leave Sirius alone when he was still so vulnerable. It had been incredibly difficult to leave.

“Send me an owl every morning and evening, yeah?” Remus had asked, standing in his own doorway the next morning as Sirius had leaned against the doorframe. Though Sirius had appeared relaxed, nonchalant, Remus could see the little clues, lines of tension around his eyes and stiffness of his muscles that showed how hard he was trying to keep himself together, to appear capable and strong.

Sirius nodded, and it pained Remus that his friend didn’t even make a single joke about him being too overbearing or motherly in making such a request.

“It’ll be like when you were in hiding, but this time I’ll probably be the one who resorts to sleeping in caves,” Remus said, attempting to lighten the mood.

“Do you think Dumbledore would let Buckbeak stay over then?” Sirius had finally chuckled and Remus pretended to look appalled.

“Sirius no. Can you imagine the feathers? I’ll be cleaning them up for years to come! Is he even housebroken?”

“He could definitely break a house,” Sirius had replied, smiling, some of the light coming back into his sad grey eyes.

Remus shook his head and chuckled in return. “I’ll be back before you know it, okay? Plus Dumbledore will visit each day. Maybe you can finally figure out what kind of creature he’s been feeding in his left sleeve?”

Sirius pretended to shudder dramatically. “What kind of creature loves both french toast and spatulas?”

“Oh, is that where my spatula went?” Remus rolled his eyes. “Just...take care okay? Don’t let Dumbledore’s pet eat all my cooking utensils while I’m gone.”

Sirius bit his lip and nodded again. “Be careful. Just, promise me that alright? Nothing stupid. No heroics.”

“Yeah, of course,” Remus frowned. “It’s just research anyway. I’m not going off to war Sirius.”

“I know,” Sirius said, and that’s when it hit Remus, hit him all over again, that they really were the last of their group. The last marauders.

Without thinking it over, knowing he’d stop himself it he did, Remus pulled Sirius into a hug, enfolding him in his arms, feeling the warmth and life of the other man against his chest. Sirius’s fingers pressed into his back, clutching him tight as Remus rested his head on the other man’s shoulder. There was a sense of safety in those arms that he knew he’d miss for days, so he’d pulled him close, capturing this memory to hold tight for later.

Remus had felt cold the moment he’d stepped away. A lingering coldness that even still permeated his body three days later. He was hoping this would be the final stop in his mission, his quest to seek out information on Lord Voldemort, on his life before he’d become the Dark Lord. When he’d been known simply as Tom Riddle.

Shaking off both his memories and the lingering dizziness of apperating, Remus tucked the portkey Dumbledore had given him back into his pocket and turned down the street, seeking his final destination. Remus frowned, stopping beneath a wooden sign and stone steps worn smooth with age. Dilapidated was an understatement when describing Wool’s Orphanage. Heavy wood doors, darkened on rusty hinges, stood tall and proud despite the ancient derelict structure. Remus rang the bell and waited.

Just as Remus was wondering if he should try it again, a stern looking nun pulled open one door with a creak.

“Yes?” she said, looking him up and down and apparently finding him wanting by her deep frown.

“Hi, Professor Lupin,” Remus said, handing her a card Dumbledore had had made up, stating it would help him appear a professional muggle. “I had some questions about a student from our school, he was born here you see, and I wondered if I might ask your...Headmaster about him?”

The nun looked at him oddly but opened the door wider. “Sister Constance runs the orphanage. If you’d like to come in, I can see if she’s available.”

“That would be wonderful, thank you,” Remus said kindly, stepping over the threshold. He looked about as he followed the woman, frown deepening at the conditions he noticed. Though it seemed clean, the place was quite rundown, ancient and in great need of repair and renovation. It wasn’t much of a step up from living on the streets and his heart ached for the poor children who were housed within.

He was led past closed doors where he could hear children speaking in what seemed like a classroom setting, then down a hallway lined with offices. Leaving Remus outside one, the nun disappeared momentarily before ushering him inside. “Sister Constance will speak with you now Professor.”

Remus thanked her before stepping in. Though bleak, the room was neat and tidy with whitewashed walls and an old chair on each side of a worn desk. Sitting opposite him was a nun that looked far too young to run an orphanage and Remus mentally cursed, knowing there was no way she had been around anywhere near when Tom had attended.

“Professor…?”

“Lupin,” Remus supplied, “Thank you for seeing me. I promise not to take up much of your time.”

“Sister Margaret said you had some concerns about your student?” she said, getting straight to business.

“Ah yes. Well I should clarify. He was a student, though I never taught him. You see he was living here from his birth until he came of age in 1945.”

“Oh,” the sister said, taken aback as she sat up straighter in her chair. “I’m not sure I’m the one to help you then. What exactly are you looking to find?”

“Well you see, he caused a lot of trouble in the school, and I was hoping someone who worked here might have some memories that can help us learn more about him.”

“What exactly did he do, if you don’t mind me asking?” Sister Constance asked, steepling her fingers.

“He started a...well a hate group of sorts. We’re still dealing with the repercussions and our Headmaster was hoping to learn more, so we can stop this sort of thing before it happens again.”

The white lie seemed to satisfy the nun who sat back in her chair. “As it happens, there is a sister who may be able to help. She no longer works here, she’s quite elderly and cannot walk, but she comes in to read to the children each afternoon. You’re welcome to return to speak with her.”

“That would be most helpful,” Remus said, thanking her and rising.

“Come back around four, I’ll see if she’s willing to talk to you.”

Remus left, wandering the unfamiliar area of London for a bit before grabbing a sandwich and taking a late lunch in a nearby park. Sitting under a tree, far from the path, Remus ate in silence, reading a book from his satchel and waiting upon his return time. That was where the owl found him. His small round barn owl plopped into Remus’ lap in a flurry of feathers, seeking out his hand to be petted before she would release the parchment clutched in her tiny talons.

Though Remus had given her an elegant name, Sirius had taken to calling her “Potato” which seemed to stick far better than his lofty attempt at naming. Remus scratched under Potato’s beak and ruffled her feathers while he unrolled the parchment, unable to hide a small smile upon seeing Sirius’ elegant handwriting.

“Good morning Moony,

I’ve taken to eating top ramen for every meal. If you are gone too much longer I may die of sodium ingestion so think about coming home to save my poor intestines soon.

Dumbledore came by this morning so I couldn't write until now. His sleeve monster ate two biscuits and an ice tray. I asked Dumbledore to buy you a new one but he pretended not to know what I was talking about. I tried transfiguring another but it just looks like a shoe with squares in it, sorry. Also sorry about your shoe.”

Remus couldn’t help but chuckle aloud. Something about writing really brought out the carefree side of Sirius that he missed from their youth.

“Anyway, let me know you’re safe. Do you think you’ll be home tonight? Or tomorrow? No rush, just, you know, curious.

-Padfoot”

Remus shook his head, petting Potato again before drawing out a quill and parchment for a return letter.

“Padfoot,

Please watch your sodium, maybe eat an ice tray instead. Dumbledore’s pet might be onto something. I hope you didn’t ruin my good shoes, which is none of them actually, so don’t worry. I don’t know when I’ll return, I’m investigating the last location, so hopefully within a day or two.”

I miss you, Remus thought but did not add. Becoming overly sentimental be no good to either of them. But he did. He missed waking up next to Sirius, feeling his warmth, his strong body beside his own despite the unrequited feelings it awoke within him. He missed their silly fights, Sirius’ quick wit and dramatic flair. Even his sad eyes and troubled episodes. Remus felt lost without purpose, and he swallowed back those feelings before they could overwhelm him. The nights were hard enough, he’d grown so used to a warm body beside his own that each bed had felt so cold and empty without Sirius curled up by his side.

Signing “Moony,” Remus rolled the parchment, fed Potato a scrap of bread from his lunch, and sent the puffball on her way. He knew the letter was short, but Remus was in a mood and knew if he continued to write, he’d end up saying something overly sappy that he’d later regret. Like “I love you” or “I’ve wanted to snog the living daylights out of you since were were about twelve.” Neither of which were something Sirius needed heaped upon him in such a fragile state. Or ever.

Remus sighed. If he were honest with himself, he’d never really stopped loving Sirius, even when the other man had been locked up for twelve years. He could still remember when he’d first laid eyes on Sirius. Shaggy black hair covered eyes alight with mischief as he’d burst into Remus’ lonely Hogwarts Express car, saw one of the many scars he’d attempted too late to hide, and promptly sat beside him. Remus had braced for the jeers and judgement he was used to from other children, but instead Sirius had told him how lucky he was. Blinking, Remus had asked him, “Whatever for?” to which Sirius had replied “If I were as brave as you, with your scars, I’d definitely be sorted into Gryffindor.” Then Sirius had proceeded to talk his ear off for the entire journey, only asking Remus his name as they arrived at school and telling him they’d be friends forever.

The memory warmed Remus in place of Sirius being there beside him. All his happiest memories were with Sirius. Pranks they’d pulled with their fellow Marauders, staying up late drinking illegal Firewhisky, creating the map with bits of magic secreted from restricted books, even detentions had been fun with Sirius by his side, not that he was caught nearly as often as the other three.

And through it all, Sirius had absolutely no idea his feelings for him. But that was the way Remus wanted it. He never let on, never gave a single hint. It had been difficult, especially once Sirius started dating, to not show his jealousy, how he longed to be the one by Sirius’ side. He’d felt more and more hollow as time progressed, watching Sirius snog a particular girl, date her, bed her, dump her and start all over again. Remus knew he didn’t want just that with Sirius. Ruining their friendship wasn’t worth it, even if Sirius had been up for trying it out with a bloke, which Remus was quite sure he was not.

He’d stayed merely content far longer than was probably sane. It was only once they had their flat together, when Sirius would bring home women night after night, that Remus finally had enough. By then things were so strained, Sirius suspected him of being a spy, Peter’s whispers and hints stirred mistrust between the two, just as intended. It became easy to find excuses to stay over with James or visit his parents, anything to get away from hearing Sirius fucking woman after woman through the thin walls of their home. The torture of the full moon was nothing compared to those nights.

Sighing, Remus brushed his fringe back from his eyes. It wouldn’t do to get all maudlin about things he couldn’t change. Sirius was with him, for now, as much as it would ever be possible for them to be together. And once he was well again, Sirius would want his independence, probably find a girl again. The cycle would start anew. And Remus would still be by his side, where he’d always been. It could be enough.

Remus let his thoughts drift as he enjoyed the afternoon in the park until it was time to yet again make his way back to the orphanage. He hoped he could return home after, but it depended entirely upon what the elderly nun had to say. So he braced himself for another night apart from Sirius before clearing his thoughts.

When Remus rang the bell, the same sister answered the door and, apparently privy to his errand, led him to a small office.

“Sister Agatha will be with you momentarily. She’s just finishing reading to the children.”

“I’m happy to wait, no rush,” Remus said and was offered a small smile before he was left alone. He studied the room, the walls bare save for a wooden crucifix, the bible on the desk, and two utilitarian chairs, one of which he sat upon.

It was all of five minutes before the elderly sister entered, pushed by a young nun. Remus held the door while she maneuvered the wheelchair before departing, leaving Sirius alone with a rather frail yet compassionate looking woman.

“Sister, I’m sorry to trouble you,” Remus started, wondering if he should offer his hand. He had no idea the etiquette to greet a nun.

“It’s no trouble,” she said in a raspy voice, her rheumy eyes twinkling. “Not often do I get visits from such nice young men. Sister Constance tells me you are wondering about a child from here?”

“Yes,” Remus said, turning his chair to face her. “It was a long time ago, I’d understand if you don’t remember, but I have a feeling this young man might have stood out. His name was Tom Riddle.”

The nun let out a gasp, bringing a pale veined hand up to her heart. “Tom...I haven’t thought about him in...decades.”

“So you do remember him?” Remus asked and she nodded once.

“He was...troubled,” she settled upon, her wrinkled face scrunching up as she frowned. “At first he was just moody, insecure, a bit odd. Then, as he grew…” she shook her head and looked Remus in the eye. “What was the name of your school again?”

Remus saw no harm in telling her. “Hogwarts, it’s in Scotland.”

“Ah, the wizarding school, I remember now.”

Remus looked at the old woman in shock. He was sure his mouth was hanging open as he stared, causing her to chuckle slightly.

“Don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me. My older sister was a witch, shocked the family quite a bit as I recall. She passed thirty or so years ago, I lost any connection to the wizarding world with her.”

“I’m so sorry,” Remus managed, finding his words finally.

“Thank you,” the nun smiled before continuing. “Because of her, I knew what Tom was, I think even before he did himself. I still remember a teacher from your school coming to talk with him, how elated he was to be going away to ‘private school.’ But he still came back here for holidays and the summer, of course.”

“The same professor, our Headmaster now, is looking for clues about Tom. You see,” Remus chose his words carefully, “Tom became something of an activist. And not in a good way. He stirred up anti-muggle sentiment, preaching that wizards, especially pureblood ones, should rule over others, muggles and magical creatures included. He became a danger to both our worlds.”

Sister Agatha shook her head sadly. “I’ve seen too many dictators like that in my time. Another, one who wields magic, would be disastrous. You speak of him in the past tense though? If he died, why are you still looking for information about him?”

Remus wondered at how much the sister knew of magic, of what was possible and what was not. He decided to keep things simple. “He was defeated, but, through means we are seeking to discover, Tom has been able to come back. Not as he was, but something even darker, more twisted.”

“Oh my!” Sister Agatha exclaimed, wringing her hands. “How terrible, I can’t even imagine…” she trailed off and Remus leaned forward in his chair in earnest.

“If there’s anything you can remember about him, people or things he held dear, places he talked of, even incidents here. We’re not sure what we’re looking for but any of it may be helpful down the line.”

The sister nodded emphatically before pursing her lips in thought. “I do recall he kept a diary. Very private he was, I remember him hurting another child he claimed tried to read it. Poor dear was covered in nasty rashes for a week.”

Remus already knew of said diary, which Dumbledore kept secured in his office. Sadly the basilisk venom had rendered any writings in it useless, but this was a start at least. Her memory was on the right track.

“Anything else?”

She pondered for a long moment before her brows shot up. “He was quite obsessed with your school. Found it quite a safe haven, I imagine. He’d talk of it often, in an obscure way of course, but I know the place meant everything to him. There were books he brought back, about how the castle was made, who founded it, what happened to them. I remember my sister having similar books, though she wasn’t nearly as obsessed.”

Remus nodded. He wondered if that would be at all helpful to Dumbledore. “And how was he with other children here? Did he have friends?”

“Not a one,” Sister Agatha said with some finality, “He was quite horrid to them. Liked to steal from other children and hide their belongings. Sometimes children would get hurt, they’d never say it was him, but we knew. There was an air of superiority he held, like the rules didn’t apply to him. There was one time...I shudder to think about it even now.”

Remus gestured for her to continue.

“We had just taken in two new children, he was older, perhaps around sixteen, so they trusted him without knowing his cruel nature. It was on an outing to the beach, he took them to a cave nearby and then...then I have no idea what happened. But those poor children, they came back...changed. Never spoke again. Had nightmares, horrible nightmares, waking up in a cold sweat screaming their throats raw. They’d claw their eyes if they could, even refused to eat. We had to send them away to an asylum, poor dears. Never knew what became of them. It made the papers and everything.”

Remus swallowed. To do such a thing, and to children, was so unthinkable. Yet not beyond what Tom--Voldemort--was capable of. “This cave?”

“I forget it’s name. Local though, off the shore. Strange place, no one goes near, it has an oddness to it, you know?”

Remus thought he might. He’d have to look into the cave, it could be a promising lead to Dumbledore. “Is there anything else you can think of?”

She shook her head. “Now it’s only the big things that really stand out. Although he was obsessed with his father. Finding him. Thought the man might be a wizard. He used to brag about his father, thinking he was powerful, or rich. That he’d come for him one day. Never happened, and once he found out that his father held no magic...well you know what happened to him.”

Remus knew. It had been a tipping point for Tom, an obsession gone wrong. The boy had always held out hope that he was pureblood, that his wizard father would come to claim him. When it was finally proven that his father was merely a muggle, it had broken Tom. Twisted his mind, darkened his heart.

“I’m sorry to have dragged up such dark memories,” Remus said softly, “but you’ve really been most helpful Sister.”

The old lady beamed at him. “My memories are all I’ve got now. That and the children. It’s nice to be able to share, even if they aren’t the most pleasant.”

“I’d love to hear some of the good ones, if you have the time,” Remus said, smiling at the old woman as her eyes lit up, sitting patiently as she chatted for over an hour about the wonderful children she’d help raise. The Christmases and birthdays, the incredible people some of her wards had grown to become. Only when the woman seemed tired did he offer to wheel her out of the room, finding a nearby nun to take her back to her quarters.

“It was such a pleasure meeting you Sister Agatha,” Remus said sincerely, taking her weathered hand in his own.

“And you as well my boy. Stay safe.”

Remus walked out the creaky doors to find the sun had set. He sighed, contemplating another night away from Sirius. He wanted to head to the library tomorrow, see if he couldn’t find an article about that incident at the cave, and then perhaps search for the place himself. Then he could finally return home.

Figuring he might as well check into the room Dumbledore had booked for him, Remus walked the block and a half to a quaint bed and breakfast. An elderly man with eyebrows like large white caterpillars showed him to his room and Remus flopped down onto the bed, exhausted for no particular reason. He should probably get up, search out some dinner, but Remus found himself feeling to weary to get out of bed. Closing his eyes, Remus’s thoughts drifted to Sirius, worrying over his well being, missing him as he drifted off to sleep.

What he had hoped would be a short nap turned into a two hour slumber. Waking with a familiar ache, Remus brought his fingers to his lips, touching them softly, attempting to capture the last lingering vestige of his dream. Sirius had been there, warm and perfect flushed against his body, kissing him softly then hungrily. Those soft lips against his felt so right that he didn’t even question the kiss, instead melted into it, embracing the heated passion that enveloped him from a man he knew sadly would never actually be his. They hadn’t done much more than that in the dream, yet Remus had still awoken achingly hard, alone in an unfamiliar bed.

With no reason to hold back, Remus sighed as he slipped a hand into his trousers. He found his cock, pressed painfully against his thigh, and brought it up, feeling the heat between his fingers. Using his free hand Remus undid his zip and pulled down his briefs, watching his length bob free, full and hard as it curved against his belly.

Remus closed his eyes and groaned into his own touch. As soon as he did, his thoughts turned back to Sirius. He wondered how Sirius would kiss him, if it would be fleeting and curious, or frantic and full of the desperation Remus had kept bottled inside for years. Hoping for the latter, Remus gripped himself hard, needing something rough, something full of longing and passion if only for a few moments. His hips bucked off the bed, rocking his cock forward into his fist.

Realizing for the first time in weeks that he was completely alone, no walls between him and Sirius which the man might overhear him through, Remus gave voice to his needs, moaning and panting, not giving a damn if some stranger in another room might be listening. He needed this, but not as much as he needed Sirius. Pressing the heel of his palm against the thick base of his cock, Remus cried out, feeling drops of precum dripping down his fingers, slick and warm with his own desire.

He wondered if the other man was taking advantage of Remus being gone in the same way he was right now. What Sirius would look like getting off, in his own bed, taking himself in hand just as Remus was. The thought made Remus gasp, picturing Sirius’ perfect cock sliding between his long fingers, arching his back, naked atop Remus’s sheets. Sirius’ black hair would flow over his firm chest, his pale skin flushed with longing, his cock thickening in his hand as he worked it, pulling and pumping just as Remus did now. Nothing would ever be as beautiful as seeing Sirius come undone like that, fragile and needy, eager for pleasure. He hoped Sirius would press himself into the bed, seeking friction, his cock heavy and leaking as he drove forward, fucking himself into his own hand. Then Sirius would come hard, dirtying the sheets, crying out as he gave himself over in the place where they slept together.

The last thought was almost too overwhelming for Remus. His grip became shaky, overly eager as he felt himself on the edge of orgasm. Bucking his hips, Remus felt his muscles tighten as every nerve alighted in his body, screaming with need. His cock felt impossibly hard and as he pictured Sirius spent on his bed, Remus came undone. Whimpers became cries of Sirius’ name as Remus came into his hand, pulling at his cock over and over until cum coated his stomach as he arched off the bed. Slowly Remus came down from that high, his muscles relaxing as his length softened between his fingers, chest heaving as he stared up at the ceiling.

Remus had long gotten over the shame of coming while thinking of his friend, yet each time he cried out Sirius’ name he felt a little more empty, hollow, as if the fantasy took a part of himself with it into his dreams.

But this emptiness was nothing new, and after a quick moment of feeling sorry for himself, Remus sighed, cleansing himself with a quick charm, and straightened his clothes. Glancing at his watch, Remus realized it was after eight and he should probably find himself some supper before shops began to close up for the night.

Before he left, Remus quickly penned a letter to Dumbledore informing him on his findings at the orphanage. He told him of Tom’s obsession with Hogwarts, his father, and also the incident at the cave, mentioning that he would try to find the place as well as more information about it tomorrow. After sticking his wand out the window to summon an owl to carry his missive, Remus locked the small room behind him and made for the lobby. When Remus asked at the front desk for the nearest restaurant, he was directed to a lively pub a block down.

He heard the pub long before he saw it. Cries and yells of patrons watching a sports match made Remus chuckle. If there was anything that could possibly unite wizards and muggles one day, it would be how seriously they took their sports. The place was dimly lit but cozy, all dark old wood and orange lamps with a smell of alcohol that Remus reckoned was impossibly suffused into the entirety of the establishment. After being directed to a table for two, Remus was given a menu with too many choices covered in garishly lit photographs.

Sticking to what he knew, Remus ordered curry and treated himself to a beer as he settled back and thought on his day. When the waitress returned with his beer, he decided to do some further research.

“Say,” Remus started, offering her a small smile, “I was wondering if you could help me with something.”

“Oh,” the young woman said, flushing just a bit, “Of course darlin’, what can I do for you?”

Remus decided being as truthful as possible was easiest. “Well, you see I’m doing some research for the school I teach at…”

“You’re a professor, aren’t you?” she cocked her head and Remus saw her blatantly looking him over. He wondered if he really did look like that much of a frumpy professor if even she could see it.

“Yes,” he slightly lied, “and you see, there’s this cave off the coast I’ve heard of that I was told would be perfect for my research.”

“Ah, I know the one, shoot what’s its name.” She bit her lip between her teeth as she looked at him. “You know, I can’t recall! So silly of me.”

“That’s quite alright,” Remus smiled at her, “But do you know the way?”

She nodded but looked a bit concerned. “It’s not far. But, it’s...weird. You shouldn’t go in there.”

“Don’t worry, I’m just going to take photographs,” Remus assured her and she perked back up.

“I can show you, I get off work in three hours.”

“That’s so kind of you,” Remus said, “But I couldn’t possibly take pictures at night. Maybe you could tell me so I could go tomorrow?”

“Oh, I have tomorrow evening off,” she said, “I could take you then, if you’d like.”

“Actually I have to leave for home tomorrow morning, I’m very sorry,” Remus said shrugging and giving her his most apologetic expression.

“Ah, you have to get back to your girlfriend?” she asked, and Remus frowned slightly at the non-sequitur.

“No,” he said and saw her face light up, “boyfriend.”

“Oh...Oh!” she said, shaking her head and chuckling. “It’s always the best looking ones…”

“Huh?” Remus looked at her, unsure what she meant before she laughed again.

“And oblivious about it too, damn,” she gave an exasperated little noise as she smiled. “Let me draw you a map darlin’.”

Sated and reenergized a half hour later, Remus left the pub, map in hand, and made his way to the closest alleyway. Glancing about to make sure there was no one to oversee, Remus took out his wand and disapparated in the general direction of the nearby coast, deciding he may as well have a look at the cave tonight so he could get home faster to Sirius tomorrow.

A cool salty breeze hit his face before Remus even opened his eyes, and he held out his hands for balance in the soft sand. The sound of waves crashing along the shore was both alien and yet calming to him and Remus took in a deep breath of the night air to fortify himself. The shoreline was not dissimilar to other European rocky coasts. There were small sandy patches for sunbathers with craggy shores overlooking them. The waning moon cast its silvery light over the rippling waters, lending just enough light below Remus’ feet that he didn’t need his wand.

With his boots crunching in the cool sand, Remus made his way in the general direction in which the waitress had directed him, hoping to find the infamous cave. Remus pulled his coat tighter, feeling the bite of the offshore breeze as it chilled his skin and sent his hair in all directions. Muttering a warming charm, Remus proceeded until, there, faintly in the distance, was what appeared to be a dark maw in the cliff face.

Studying it for a moment, Remus pulled out his wizard camera, pointing it at the entrance and casting a lighting charm upon it to illuminate the photo properly. Just as he clicked the shutter, Remus squinted, watching as a dark spot in the sky grew closer and closer until he could just make out an owl. He smiled, hoping Sirius had finally written him his nightly update but then frowned as he recognized instead the larger figure of the horned owl he had sent to Dumbledore earlier. Remus raised his arm and the bird alighted on his forearm. Digging in his pocket, Remus produced half a biscuit which the owl took in her beak as he took her letter, unfurling the small scrap of parchment.

“R-

This information is most helpful. Let me know what else you learn tomorrow before returning home. Also, do not, under any circumstances, go inside this cave.

-AD”

Remus grew more curious about the nature of the cave if even Dumbledore was wary of it, yet he was glad he had not proceeded further. He didn’t know if it was the dark gaping entrance, or this aura that others seemed to describe, but Remus indeed felt a bit uneasy even this far from the cavern.

Even more imminently worrying, though, was the fact that Remus had not heard a word from Sirius as of yet. It was after nine, and the other man had written him around supper the past few nights. Though it was probably nothing, Remus knew he was prone to over think matters. He banished the writing from the scroll and, grabbing a quill from his bag, and penned Sirius a quick note making sure he was alright. He sent it off with the owl, letting the other man know his room had a fireplace which they could use to talk if he wished, and sent the bird on her way.

Remus took a moment to ascertain that there was no one to oversee him before he apparated back into his room. Body still chilled from the cold sea air, Remus quickly lit the fire and threw a comforter around himself to keep warm until the room started to heat up. He wished Sirius was here to throw his arms around him, his body heat and proximity doing the trick long before any fire could reach Remus. Sighing, he shook his head and stared into the hypnotic rhythm of the flames, hoping to hear from Sirius soon.

Within ten minutes Remus’s teeth had stopped chattering enough that he was able to shuck off the blanket and grab a book, but his mind was far from the words he attempted to read. He knew he was worrying himself silly, acting like an overbearing parent, yet as long as Sirius was safe, Remus would gladly hear whatever motherly synonyms Sirius decided to call him. So he gave in, throwing a handful of floo powder in and leaning into the now green flames while stating his address.

“Sirius?” Remus called a couple times, but got no answer. He could see nothing but his empty living room, heard nothing but silence, and with each passing second Remus’ trepidation grew. Pulling back, Remus muttered for Dumbledore’s office, hoping the headmaster was still up and close at hand.

“Professor?” Remus called, and after half a minute Dumbledore’s wizened features appeared to float atop the flames before him.

“Ah Remus. I hope you’re settled in for the night. Did you get my owl?”

“Yes, thank you,” Remus said then realized he wasn’t even sure what he was thanking Dumbledore for. The Headmaster didn’t seem to mind but his tone changed to reflect Remus’ worry.

“Something troubling you my boy?”

“Yes, it’s Sirius. I can’t seem to get ahold of him. I owled and also tried the fire, but got no response. Could you, perhaps, check if your wards had been breached?” Remus hoped it wasn’t too much to ask but he’d rather be safe than sorry.

“Hmm,” Dumbledore contemplated, “I would have felt if my wards had been broken or dismantled. I can’t, however, tell if one of you comes or goes of your own free will. Though I had advised against it, perhaps he had to leave for some reason?”

Remus shook his head. “I don’t think he would have without me. He would have owled if so. I’m sorry for bothering you, I’m probably worrying over nothing.”

“Think nothing of it,” Dumbledore assured him, “Sirius is probably just asleep. If you need to check, though, I understand. I’m sorry but Hogwarts matters are keeping me here or I’d do so myself.”

Remus sighed, glad that the other man understood. “Thank you, I’ll check in with you tomorrow, I promise.”

“Good night then Remus,” Dumbledore said softly before disappearing from the fire.

Grabbing his bag, Remus quickly withdrew more floo powder and threw it into the flames. Once the color changed again he stated his address before ducking through.

Remus appeared in an empty living room. Dusting ashes off his clothes, Remus called Sirius’ name before quickly searching his bedroom, bathroom and kitchen. All were unoccupied. As Remus stepped toward the front door, he found it slightly ajar, letting in a bit of the night’s chill along with all his fears. Remus shivered before stepping onto the landing, glancing about for his friend. Though his eyes were more well adapted to see at night than an ordinary human, Remus could still find no trace of Sirius within the vicinity of the flat.

Cursing, pacing, and cursing some more, Remus racked his brain for what to do next. That’s when he stepped on Sirius’ wand. Hopping back before he snapped it, Remus’s eyes widened as he bent to pick it up. If Sirius had left it, gone somewhere without his wand, it meant one of very few things. Obviously this was not some simple outing. He’d either been abducted, which Remus shivered to think upon and seemed unlikely with no signs of a struggle, or he’d transformed into Padfoot and couldn’t hold his wand in dog form. Unable to think on the former until he’d ruled out the latter, Remus bit his lip, attempting to figure out what to do next.

It had been poor planning to not have some sort of trace system in place, Remus thought, chiding himself for not having foresight in the matter. But he’d have to track Sirius somehow. Remus tapped his wand against his leg, wracking his brain as he continued to pace the floor.

What could possibly track Sirius? He could use an owl, but Remus wasn’t sure he’d be able to see them well enough to follow during the night. Luckily that thought was quickly supplanted by a better one, a much more visible way of sending messages that he could easily see. A Patronus charm. With long strides Remus leapt to his closet, pulling out his disused broom and making his way outside. He cast a quick concealment charm on himself, just incase any muggles looked up into the night sky, before taking a deep breath.

Happy memories were always difficult to dredge up in taxing times such as now, but he concentrated and cleared his mind, knowing his friend needed him. His friend, who had become an animagus for him, to help him through the most difficult times in his life. Remus still recalled the stupidly elated look on Sirius’ face, the mischief in his silver eyes as he’d smiled at Remus before suddenly transforming into an animagus right in front of him. The sleek black dog that had moments before been his friend bounded over, pushing Remus to the ground and licked his face until Remus had cried with laughter. The fact that Sirius had spent over a year learning the spell, practiced with great risk to himself, and done it all for Remus, had easily been the happiest moment of Remus’ life. And still was to this day. Smiling slightly, Remus held the moment within his heart as he whispered the spell.

“Expecto Patronum.”

Before him stood a dog. His dog. Not a wolf, as he told others when they saw the patronus, but the ethereal twin to Padfoot, the animal he most found kinship with.

“Find Sirius Black,” Remus instructed as he mounted his broom and within seconds he took to the air, quickly trailing the corporeal form through the night.

Remus kept pace, his sharp eyes watching as, below, the wolf shot between houses, down streets and around trees in search of Sirius. Swearing, Remus swerved, almost colliding with a telephone pole before remembering to watch where he was going. He almost lost the wolf once, observing it rush through a shopping center and was unable to see where it exited until he circled around, spying its ethereal light in the distance. Speeding past, Remus caught up, letting out a relieved breath before continuing on.

As the city lights faded behind them, Remus found himself flying high over a residential neighborhood, a place that was strikingly familiar. As he gazed at street names and recognizable buildings, Remus was not surprised when he saw his patronus slow then stop before a small dilapidated house on the edge of a park. The shutters hung off the windows and the door had been boarded up, yet Remus easily recognized the flat he and Sirius had once shared. Not to mention the black dog that sat curled upon the disused front step.

With a sudden rush Remus descended to the ground, alighting on the porch of the place he had once called home. He cast his broom aside, causing Sirius to finally look up, silvery dog eyes reflecting the moonlight and filled with more sorrow than any true animal could possibly portray.

“God damn it Sirius,” Remus shouted before falling to his knees, pulling Padfoot into his lap and hugging him close. “You scared the shit out of me!”

Remus could feel how fast his heart was beating as he attempted to reign in the tears of relief that threatened to spill forth. Damn Sirius for putting him through this, for making him worry and shirk his duties when the other man should be waiting safely at home. A home where dementors and wizards weren’t looking for him, ready to take him away from Remus once again, this time for good.

“What the hell were you thinking, running off like this?” Remus muttered into the thick black fur, holding tight to Padfoot least he run away again. He felt Padfoot’s wet nose nuzzle into his chest and sighed, shaking his head.

“It’s not safe out here, you know that,” he said softly, petting Sirius’ dew-damp fur, feeling the warm skin and beating heart beneath his hands. “You can’t do this to me I can’t...Sirius I can’t lose you again.”

Sirius burrowed closer but remained in dog form as Remus held tight to him, kneeling in the abandoned dust and desolation they had once called home.

Only when long minutes had past did Remus finally pull away, standing and brushing the dust off his trousers. The cold night air bit into his skin where Padfoot had warmed him, and a slight breeze ruffled the animagus’ dark fur as the sounds of insects and far off cars were carried toward them.

When Remus realized Sirius was not about to turn back to his human form quite yet, he let out a deep breath and shook his head. “Come on Padfoot,” he said, reaching down to the dog with one hand and pulling out his wand with another. “Let’s go home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you as always to Piku-chwan for her amazing art and helping me with ideas as well as Rachel for helping me edit this monster!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus & Sirius are forced to go into hiding at Grimmauld place, but even with his own bed, Sirius can't seem to sleep alone and he wonders why

Sirius frowned as he pulled teapot after teapot from Remus’s cupboards.

 

“Moony, I think there’s something you’re not telling me,” he shouted into the bedroom.  Remus ducked his head out a moment later, his arms laden with towels.

 

“Shoot, did you find my diary?” he chuckled.

 

“Oh no, much worse.  I think you’ve got a teapot obsession.  Borderline hoarder.  Might need to stage an intervention.”

 

Remus cocked an eyebrow as he eyed the criminal lineup of teapots Sirius had assembled on his counter.  “Six isn’t an obsession,” he stated, shrinking them before placing them in a cushioning-charmed box along with his other cookware.  

 

“Fine, what would you consider ‘excessive?’” Sirius asked, complete with air quotes.

 

“Seven,” Remus replied deadpan before Sirius swore and threw an oven mitt at him.

 

They’d been slowly packing up Remus’ flat for the last couple days, preparing to move.  Though Remus had still voiced his objections, Dumbledore had told them it was imperative that they seek shelter at the most heavily warded place they could.  So finally, after almost two months of Sirius being back, they were returning to Grimmauld Place.  

 

Sirius was feeling much less trepidation about returning to his childhood home this time around.  He and Remus had been spending time there during the day, throwing out old furniture and reminders of his horrible family, something that gave him purpose and didn’t allow him to dwell on bad memories as he had before.  Luckily his nightmares and episodes had lessened as well, he’d only had one since Remus had returned and that hadn’t been for weeks.  He knew he wasn’t cured, not by far, but it gave him hope for a much more normal life after Azkaban.  

 

Well as normal as a semi-mad wanted wizard living with a werewolf could have it anyway.  Sirius was incredibly grateful that Remus was moving in with him as well.  The other man hadn’t given a second thought to leaving his flat behind to stay with him, to keep him company.  He was just so selfless that it almost hurt Sirius’ heart to think about.  

 

He glanced over at Remus, watching as the other man brushed the fringe from his face, the late evening light filtering through the window around him.  There were so many better things Remus could be doing with his life, should be doing with his life.  Finding a girl who didn’t care about his condition, settling down, starting a family.  And yet, here he was.  Trapped with Sirius in exile.  Any time Sirius even remotely brought it up, Remus was ready with an excuse.  How happy he was to help Sirius, that he had no job or family other than Sirius, soon followed by the self deprecation that came with his condition.  And of course there was the fact that he wanted to be there for Sirius after abandoning him for twelve long years.  

 

Which made Sirius feel even worse.  It wasn’t as if Remus had known he’d been innocent.  He really couldn’t blame his friend for assuming his guilt when all the evidence had pointed toward it, even if he wished Remus would’ve known him well enough to realize otherwise.  But he had also, at one time, wondered at Remus being the traitor.  Peter and his whispers had done their job, instilled just enough seeds of doubt between the trio that he and James began to be wary of their werewolf friend.  So, if anything, Sirius owed Remus just as much.

 

Especially after Sirius had run away.  He and Remus still hadn’t really talked about it, no more than the bare minimum at least.  Remus knew he had been spooked, spooked enough to flee the house with no note, no wand, running only on fear and adrenaline.  That Remus had had to abandon his mission to find him still bothered Sirius, made him feel like a child needing to be baby-sat, yet he was also warmed by his friend’s loyalty and feelings for him.  Sirius knew he would do the exact same thing Remus had, if their positions had been reversed.   

 

Sirius shook his head.  Now was not the time to dwell on the past, he had enough issues to occupy the present.  He’d much rather bring a smile to his friend’s face than dig up old grudges and feelings neither of them seemed quite equipped to deal with.

 

Surveying the empty kitchen, Sirius shook his head.  “It’s weird to be leaving.  I bet even more so for you.”

 

Remus shrugged.  “It’s just a flat.  I’ve only been here since I quit teaching, and even so, it never really felt like home until recently.”  Sirius caught Remus’ eyes widen when he realized what he’d said.

 

“Aww Moony, getting all sentimental on me.”

 

“Oh shut up.  It only feels like a home now cause I finally got that mutt I’ve always wanted,” Remus said, rolling his eyes and heading back into the bedroom.  

 

Sirius knew if he said anything about Remus wanting him, he’d be hexed into next Tuesday, so instead he kept his mouth shut and grinned, following on his friend’s heels holding the box of home goods.  

 

The room looked so much bigger without furniture.  The walls were bare, all photos of Remus’ parents and the Marauders had been packed away as well as the dresser and lamps.  Sirius watched as Remus flicked his wand at the bed, shrinking it until it fit in the box with his other belongings.  

 

“Don’t know how muggles do this without magic, bloody pain in the ass moving is,” Sirius grumbled as he leaned against the doorframe.

 

“They hire trucks and guilt their poor friends into helping in exchange for pizza, or so I’ve heard,” Remus replied, bending to pick up the box and walking over to Sirius.  “Ready to go?”

 

Sirius nodded, taking a last look around.  He put an arm around Remus’ shoulder before he could think twice about it, but Remus didn’t even stiffen under his touch as he used to.  Perhaps his thoughts were likewise sentimental.  This had been his first safe haven, the first real place he could call home since Azkaban.  It was odd to leave, but necessary.  He was ready.

 

“Yeah, let’s go before Kreacher misses me too much.”

 

Remus chuckled before flicking his wand and disapparating them.

 

Sirius’ arm was still around Remus’ shoulder when they arrived on the sunlit porch of Number 12.  Sadly no amount of golden light could make the place look less than the dreary home it actually was.  Sirius was hoping, that with time and good memories, he and Remus could change that.  

 

With much less trepidation than he’d felt two months ago, Sirius strode through the front door of the place he hoped one day to finally call home.  That hopeful thought was dashed as they were greeted by the shrieking voice of his long dead mother.

 

“Traitor!”  Walburga Black yelled from her portrait by the door as Sirius sighed and shook his head apologetically.  Though he and Remus had been able to levitate the picture of both his parents down from the above the mantle, they’d been unable to pry this striking visage from the foyer wall.  Sirius had a feeling that Kreacher had put a Permanent Sticking Charm on it while he and Remus had been busy in the other room, but the grumpy house elf would admit to nothing.  

 

“And good evening to you, dear Mother,” Sirius said, giving her his best fake grin.  “You’re looking radiant, is it a new moisturizer perhaps?”

 

She continued to scream her painted lungs out as Sirius put his box down and looked to Remus with a shrug.

 

“We could alway put a Silencing Charm on her you know,” Remus suggested, attempting to be heard above the shrieks.

 

“Oh I have a better way to shut her up,” Sirius said with a mischievous eyebrow raise.  Without thinking on it, Sirius pulled Remus in by the waist, pressing his lips to the other man.  Or at least he tried.  Remus gasped and turned his head to the side at the last moment and all Sirius got was the corner of his mouth.  

 

Pushing Sirius away with his free hand, Remus sputtered and turned bright red, which only made Sirius feel all the more triumphant.  His friend was adorable when he blushed.  Plus it had the desired effect of shutting his mother up for a full five seconds.  

 

“Bloody hell,” Remus muttered, looking away and shaking his head.  Sirius stilled himself for a dressing down but instead Remus only wandered off, speaking under his breath about “stupid mutts” and “not your damn girlfriend Black.”  

 

Sirius touched his lips softly and chuckled before he turned to find him mother gaping.  He threw a quick silencing charm at her before she could dare start up again and picked up his box, following his muttering friend up the stairs.  Walking past his room and the adjoining bathroom, Sirius turned into what once was Regulus’ room.  

 

The previous day he and Remus had shrunk all the furniture and moved it into a spare bedroom to make room for Remus’ bed and belongings.  Like Sirius’ room, this one had a small fireplace and a door that connected to the shared bathroom between.  They’d enlarged the space a bit to allow for Remus’ larger bed, small couch, and a plethora of bookshelves against walls that they had charmed a comforting navy blue.  Sirius had offered him use of the living room downstairs, but Remus didn’t feel the room to be inviting enough yet.  He couldn’t blame him one bit.  

 

Sirius bit his lip, noticing that Remus was now ignoring him.  He wasn’t sure if this was better or worse than the dressing down he had expected.  

 

“Let me help you with that,” Sirius settled on, attempting to be useful as he pulled the miniature bed from the box.  “Which wall do you want it against?”

 

Remus, still a bit red in the face, motioned to the far right wall before digging into the box for his other furniture.  Within minutes they’d reddied the room, and Sirius had to admit it felt downright cozy.  There was something about Remus’ belongings that felt more like home than his own childhood one's ever could.  

 

Sirius flopped down on the lumpy grey couch, sighing and putting his feet up.  Then the breath wooshed from his lungs as Remus dropped the remaining box right on his chest.  

 

“Your turn,” Remus said, gesturing to the miniaturized clothing and bathroom supplies inside.  Sirius grunted and closed his eyes, pretending to ignore his friend.

 

“If you don’t help, I swear I’ll enlarge them right on top of you,” Remus threatened, waving his wand about.  

 

Grumbling about menial tasks and sadistic werewolves, Sirius left, enlarging and setting up his belongings quickly before heading back to Remus’ room.  Remus was only just placing his photos on a desk as Sirius entered.  With a sigh, Sirius put his arm around Remus, lost in memory as he gazed at his younger self surrounded by his three friends.  

 

“We were so happy then,” Sirius mused before he could help himself.  The moment was so clear in his mind, he and James had their arms around each other, grinning like idiots, having just won a bitter Quidditch match against Slytherin.  Peter stood happily to James’ side, holding his broom, while Remus beamed happily at a young Sirius.  He knew there was no way to go back in time, to alter the past, but damn it if he didn’t want to, if only to relive those peaceful days just one more time. 

 

He missed not having a care in the world, moonlit nights in the shack with Remus, pranking the stupid Slytherins, hell he even missed exams.  Life was so simple back then, with Remus, Peter, and his best friend.  Until now, he’d never had to resume life without James.  As soon as he’d died, Sirius had been shipped off to Azkaban, a place where his time and sometimes thoughts were not his own.  Now, free, things were different.  Almost sadder.  Damn life was tougher without James by his side.

 

“I miss him,” Sirius said softly and Remus made an affirming noise beside him, wrapping an arm around Sirius’ shoulder.  

 

“We had a lot of good times,” Remus mused sadly.  “So many pranks and adventures together.”

 

“It’s not the same without James,” Sirius sighed.

 

Sirius caught Remus’ gaze, heavy and remorseful, before the other man nodded his agreement.

 

“Sometimes...sometimes I wish…”

 

“What?” Sirius asked when Remus shook his head and ended his train of thought.

 

“No, forget it, you’ll just say something reassuring like you’re supposed to say.”

 

“Well maybe I need to.  Tell me,” Sirius urged.

 

“Fine,” Remus sighed.  “I always wished--still wish--it had been me.  Instead of James.”

 

“Moony,” Sirius admonished.

 

“No really.  Especially now.  Knowing you are innocent.  James would have been there for you.  He’d never believe the lies I fell for.  I’d trade places with him if I could.”

 

“Don’t say things like that!  You can’t possibly think I’d wish that.  What happened, happened.  I never want you to think I’d wish you gone.  James and I...we were like brothers.  But you and I, we’re like…”

 

“Not like family I assume,” Remus cut in sadly.

 

“No, but you know I hate my family, so that’s a compliment,” Sirius said, earning a small smile from his friend.  “You’re here for me.  Now.  I don’t know what that is, but it’s what I need.”

 

“Me too,” Remus replied after a minute, leaning into Sirius, a heavy weight against his side and on his heart.  

 

* * *

 

Sirius spent the rest of the night helping Remus unpack.  They hung photographs, used magic to alphabetize Remus’ plethora of books, and chased Kreacher away when the elf attempted to steal Remus’ comb for some unknown reason.

 

After getting dressed for bed, Sirius opened the door to their shared bathroom to find Remus already inside, brushing his teeth.  Using his wand to charm the water to warm, Sirius washed his face and began to brush his own teeth just as Remus was finishing up.  

 

Since their conversation earlier, Sirius had been unduly disturbed by Remus’ revelation that he wished that he had died.  He knew why Remus had said it, how much he knew James had meant to Sirius, what he wished had taken place instead of the dark reality in which they now lived day to day.  Yet it had been years since Sirius had come to terms with James’ death.  He’d never be over it, never stop replaying ‘what if’s’ in his mind.  But it had happened, and Remus acting the selfless idiot was doing nothing to help Sirius feel secure in his place by Remus’ side.  He needed Remus here, keeping him sane, rebuilding a friendship he thought he’d lost forever.  He just didn’t know quite how to articulate said feelings.

 

Especially since Remus seemed hell bent on forgetting about their conversation and pretending things were normal.  Like now.  Sirius watched as Remus set his toothbrush beside the sink and disappeared into his own room with a quick “good night” without even glancing his way.  

 

Sirius sighed.  He hated contributing in any way to Remus’ self pity.  The fake facade Remus acquired, with a half-hearted joke thrown in here or there, did nothing to hide the sadness Sirius saw in his amber eyes.  And now, with Remus in his room and Sirius expected to sleep in his own as well, he felt the gap between them widen.  

 

Resigned to let the matter rest until morning, Sirius made his way to his own bed.  A bed which seemed much less inviting than the one he’d spent the last two months in.  Crawling under the cold sheets, Sirius muttered as scratchy wool rubbed his cheek and his head hit a decidedly flat pillow.  After thrashing about for a solid two minutes, Sirius pulled his arms to his side and stared dejectedly at the ceiling.  And laughed.

 

He almost couldn’t believe himself.  When in the past two months had he become such a bed snob?  His childhood bed was nothing compared to the metal cot and moth-eaten blankets of Azkaban.  And yet he could not find peace here.

 

With a sigh, Sirius attempted to relax.  He told himself he should be exhausted after moving all day.  He even tried counting sheep like Remus told him muggles did for some unfathomable reason.  But no amount of acrobatic fluffy livestock could quiet his mind. 

 

His thoughts ran, unpredictable and full of worries he could not currently fix.  There was the fact that he was forced to live in this old, uncomfortable house with all the terrible memories it bombarded him with.  The Dark Lord coming back to power.  Harry, happily at Hogwarts yet always seemingly an inch from some sort of looming disaster.  And Remus, still literally and figuratively beating himself for things beyond his control.

 

The latter was probably the only worry he could currently focus on, the one he could attempt to do something about.  And now that he was having less episodes, Sirius felt like he was in a better place, one in which he could be there more for Remus.  

 

As he pondered this, Sirius’ mind lapsed into that hyper reality of near unconsciousness, jolting him back each time he almost fell into a peaceful slumber.  Unsure whether he was awake or asleep, Sirius started a final time as something ghosted across his window.  Sirius heart nearly stopped as he held his breath, eyes wide as he tried to remember if they had previously been open or closed.  Whatever he had possibly seen no longer was in his field of vision, but that didn’t mean much in the wizarding world.  Slowly Sirius grabbed his wand from the bedside table, his heart hammering in his chest as he quietly sat up and surveyed the seemingly empty room.  

 

Not a thing seemed out of place.  His walls, long scorched and repaired after his mother blasted off his Gryffindor and muggle posters, lay bare.  The double window was shut tight, not even a stray breeze blowing at the hanging curtains.  Swiftly Sirius got out of his bed, falling to his knees and casting a silent Lumos charm as he searched under the bed.  Nothing was amiss.

 

Letting out a deep breath, Sirius sought to steady his racing heart.  He had been so sure of what he’d seen, that momentary glimpse of a ghostly form, back to plague his troubled mind.  In Azkaban _ he _ had show up nearly every night after that first terrifying year.  It began with whispers, hurtful words that tore away his sanity piece by piece until they were all he had left.  He almost welcomed them after a time, their pain became a constant in his bleak world, a reminder of who he really was.  Traitor.  Murderer.  Black.

 

But after Azkaban,  _ he _ was gone.  Those long months spent in caves far from anywhere Sirius had ever called home,  _ he _ had never visited.  Not until that first night back in Grimmauld Place had Sirius seen the ghostly form return, fighting the ghostly form off as Sirius sought to reclaim his new life.  But just like that night, Sirius knew there was nothing really there.  Just a dream, as Remus had soothed him then, he knew his friend would tell him the same now. 

 

It was stupid to think that Remus’ presence kept his demons at bay, yet something about the other man comforted him and brought Sirius the peace he needed to recover and rebuild his life and psyche after Azkaban.  He knew that in no way was it a mutual need, quite the opposite in face.  Remus could have more of a life if he wasn’t in hiding with Sirius, yet he hoped that somehow he brought his friend some of that same comfort and peace.  They really were all they had left.

 

Sighing wearily, Sirius stood and walked down the hall and into Remus’ room before he even knew where his feet were carrying him.  His wand barely illuminated the dark space, but he heard a shuffle of blankets as Remus scooted over without a word.  Sirius almost left then.  The fact that his best friend knew he was so needy, so vulnerable that he couldn’t even sleep alone was like an arrow through his courageous Gryffindor heart, yet still he could not will himself to walk away.  Instead Sirius pulled the covers over himself as he lay flat on his back, staring now at a new yet similar ceiling.  And his head was still filled with the exact same worries.

 

“You alright Padfoot?” Remus asked sleepily, the old abandoned nickname slipping out and causing a rush of warmth to Sirius’ chest.  

 

“Yeah, sorry I can leave if…” Sirius started but a heavy hand fell across his ribs as Remus pulled closer.

 

“No, it’s okay.  Stay,” Remus murmured before drifting back off.  

 

Sirius let his body sink into the soft mattress as the sound of Remus’ even breathing told him how comfortable Remus had once again become in his presence.  As he too fell to sleep, Sirius thought that just maybe Remus needed him half as much as he needed the other man.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry everyone for the long wait, but after evacuating the huge California fire and then the holidays, I'm inspired to write again!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus and Sirius get drunk on Halloween

From the moment Remus opened his eyes, he wished the day was already over. He wondered if Dumbledore knew of some sort of forward Time Turner he could use for days like today, where it wasn’t so much what he had to do that depressed him, but the very fact that the day itself even existed.

Remus sighed as he felt Sirius stir, stretching then nestling closer in his sleep. At least he had this, pathetic as it was from his perspective, to wake up to each day. Since returning Sirius to his childhood home a week ago, the other man hadn’t spent a single night in his own bed. Not that Remus minded, but there was the very real fear in the forefront of his thoughts that one day Sirius would snuggle a bit too close and feel something decidedly unplatonic pressed against him. 

Though it seemed today to be Remus’ turn to feel something unexpected. He caught himself before a gasp left his lips, an immediate reaction as the sleeping Sirius pressed closer, cock hard and digging into his hip. Remus eyes closed as he held his breath, not daring to move quickly least he wake his friend and their situation became embarrassingly obvious. Even knowing Sirius’ incredibly normal biological reaction had absolutely nothing to do with him, Remus commited the moment to memory, savoring the feel of hard heated skin that he’d always longed for. But after a second, feeling himself unfairly taking advantage of his best friend, Remus decided to quickly and quietly vacate the bed. 

Getting up before Sirius’ warm body against his own could make him any harder than he already was, Remus crept softly into the bathroom. Luckily Sirius was not an early riser, so lately Remus had been able to find the time to take himself in hand, to quell his need for the other man before Sirius awoke, none the wiser. 

He was so hard he could barely walk straight. The moment Remus shut the door to the bathroom he looked down, frowning as his pants tented obscenely. He pressed his palm to his cock, moaning softly, the ache of his need so great that he reached in and began to stroke even as his other hand turned on the tap to the shower. Charming it to hot before casting a silencing charm on the shower curtain, Remus hurriedly placed his wand on the side of the tub. Remus almost stepped into the shower before he remembered he was still fully clothed. Releasing his cock momentarily, he pulled the elastic down and threw off his shirt. Warm water hit his already heated skin as he closed the silenced curtain behind him and jutted his hips under the spray. Seaking a fast fierce release, Remus wrapped his fingers around himself, rocking back sharply as his cock thickened in his tight grip. 

Remus knew this was getting ridiculous. How many mornings could he continue, waking up full of need for the unrequiting man beside him, taking pleasure in his own hand in an empty shower full of dashed hopes and tragic what-ifs. Yet at the moment he couldn’t care less. He’d felt Sirius, hard against him, the memory seared into his mind as he touched himself, wishing he could reach out and grasp that thick cock that had pressed so snuggly into his hip just moments before. 

And Remus could show Sirius such pleasure if he’d only allow him, years of yearning and eagerness to please making up for lack of practice and aptitude. But Remus knew how to please himself, how to make another man come undone, what he could and wished so fervently to do for Sirius. How he’d take that long thick length between his scared fingers, stroking him, mapping his skin, finding every spot that made him moan and buck. Then he’d suck him off, slow and tantalizing, stringing out the pleasure, making Sirius beg for it. Harder, faster, more. Damn, Remus would even let Sirius fuck him if he wished. He’d never had the desire before, to let another man take him, to be so vulnerable. But with Sirius, he’d give him anything, everything. 

Moaning loudly, safe within the barrier of the silencing charm, Remus longed for release. His length throbbed in his shaking fingers, wet with water and leaking precum as Remus pressed his thumb roughly to the thick head. What Sirius didn’t know couldn’t hurt him, Remus reasoned as he got off to thoughts of the other man. With his own fingers he stroked himself harder, leaning into his grasp, crying out in frustration to come. Tasting copper as he bit his lip, Remus bucked his hips and spread his legs, his balls tight and aching for release, cock full and tall as it bounced against his belly with each downward thrust. 

A shadow passed on the other side of the curtain just as he was ready to get off. Remus swore, angry at himself for forgetting to lock the bathroom door. And, of course, with the silencing charm on the shower Sirius hadn’t even known he was inside. Hoping Sirius wouldn’t notice him for the next few seconds, Remus gripped himself hard and fast, knowing the object of all his desires was so close, could even watch him if he only opened the curtain. Even though the reality of that would cause Remus to run off in shame, the fantasy spurned him on as he came, hard, crying out as cum covered his hand and coated his stomach, his entire body stiffening then melting in satiated need. 

He wondered if there was a record for the amount of time you could be hopelessly in love with your straight best friend. If he wasn’t breaking it, he was damn close. 

Before he could allow Sirius to realize he was doing exactly what he’d been doing in the shower, Remus stuck his head out of the silenced area, causing Sirius to whip his head around, toothbrush falling from his mouth.

“Shit Moony, you gave me a fright!”

“Sorry, I was just showering and didn’t want to wake you so I put up a silencing charm,” Remus said quickly.

Sirius took a moment to reply before giving Remus a foamy smile. “Ah I see,” he said, before rinsing his mouth and heading for the door. Just as he was about to leave, Sirius leaned back and cocked an eyebrow at Remus, a half smile playing on his full lips. “And next time you’re having one off, just remember to lock the door.” He winked and fled before Remus’ groan of shame even hit his ears. 

It took about three hours before Remus could come out of his room and face Sirius again, and by then the other man seemed to have forgiven or forgotten their earlier encounter.

“Moony, I want to get drunk tonight.”

“Okay…” Remus said, supportive yet wary.

“Like, shit faced drunk. Firewhisky at Hogwarts parties-drunk. Like old times.”

Remus nodded. He’d almost forgotten the date due to this morning’s embarrassment. Thinking about getting drunk was an ironically sobering reminder. 

“I said ‘okay’ didn’t I?” Remus replied as Sirius sat up from the living room couch, cocking an eyebrow. 

“Really? Thought you’d take more convincing.”

“I have just as much reason to hate today as you do Sirius,” Remus reminded him as he went into the kitchen to make a cup of tea. Returning a minute later, Remus handed a cup to Sirius and sipped his own, perched on the arm of the ugly green living room couch. 

Sirius peered down into the depths of his tea cup as if seeking answers. Remus wondered how long the other man had been alone with his thoughts today and suddenly felt bad for leaving him in his shame.

“Alright, well give me a shopping list. What kind of alcohol will get you sufficiently ‘shit faced.’”

Sirius snapped out of his stupor and took a moment to think. “Firewhiskey. Obviously. Maybe some muggle ale or I don’t know, I’ve always wanted to try one of those girly drinks. You know, bright pink or something with fruit and an umbrella.”

“I’m not a bartender you know,” Remus sighed and smiled, shaking his head. “Maybe if you’re lucky I’ll get you a lemon wedge for your beer.”

“You spoil me Moony,” Sirius beamed and Remus rolled his eyes. He hadn’t noticed exactly when Sirius had lapsed into calling him by his nickname, but he decidedly liked it. 

“Alright, well I have to pick up a few things, the full is next week and all,” Remus stated, gathering his coat.

“Oh, get some hangover potion while your out too then,” Sirius suggested and Remus nodded. 

“I’ll be back in a few hours. Be good.”

“Aren’t I always?” Sirius said, batting his eyes.

“The best wanted criminal I know,” Remus replied as he made for the door, Sirius’ chuckle fading behind him. 

Between aparating to meet up with Snape for his Wolfsbane, flooing to Diagon Alley for hangover and sobering potions and stopping at the Hogshead for some good Firewhisky, it was almost dark by the time Remus was able to make it to a liquor shop in Muggle London. The smell of damp fall leaves crushed underfoot reminded Remus of days curled up with a good book in front of the fire. Now he pictured Sirius by his side, or better yet with his head resting on his lap, cozy, domestic, no war, no danger, only comfort and home. He was almost enjoying himself when a demon nearly knocked him over. 

Remus reared back as the squat monster looked up at him expectantly before shaking a half full pillowcase. 

“Trick or treat!”

“Now Henry, you know you only say that at someone’s house, not to strangers on the street,” his mom scolded him and offered Remus an apologetic smile. Remus returned it and stepped out of the way. 

By the time Remus was walking back down Grimmauld Place, the area was teaming with children. Tiny witches, superheroes, princesses and ghouls scrambled about full of sugar and begging for more. Standing discreetly under an overhanging tree, Remus cast a disillusionment charm on himself so none of them noticed as he walked up to his own non-existent home, dark and lacking the decor of their festive Muggle neighbors. 

After blowing a kiss to the shrieking portrait of Walburga Black, Remus trudged upstairs to his room only to find Sirius on his worn couch taking a nap.

“Honey, I’m home,” Remus said sarcastically, causing Sirius to sit up and rub his eyes. He cast a wandless lumos at the lamps, charming the darkened room into cozy brightness.

Sirius looked a bit grumpy and disheveled but Remus still marveled at how beautiful he was even at his worst. His overly long black hair hung loose around his shoulders, shining in the lamp light against the navy jumper Sirius had borrowed from Remus. While Remus knew he himself looked frumpy in overly baggy knitwear, it only made Sirius look like some sort of model for vintage apparel. Sleepy grey eyes looked Remus over before holding out a hand.

“Where’s the booze? I wanted to be drunk hours ago.”

Remus rolled his eyes and began to pull bottle after bottle from his charmed bag. “Now I know your mother never taught you any manners, but I sure as hell tried. Ask nicely Black.” Remus could tell his friend was in a mood and didn’t blame him one bit. With nothing to do all day but brood over the anniversary of your best friend’s death, he knew he would be no party either.

“Moony…” Sirius whined pathetically before Remus gave him a pointed look. “Fine. Moony, light of my life, buyer of the sacred brew, will you please do me the honor of getting completely shit faced with me?”

“Thought you’d never ask,” Remus replied, sinking down on the couch after moving Sirius’ feet onto his lap and handing the man a bottle. 

“To getting thoroughly smashed,” Sirius said, clinking bottles with Remus before both upended their ales.

One hour, too many beers, and a sobering potion on both their parts--that only partially did the trick--later and Sirius was in a much less somber mood. 

“James would love this,” he said, waving a hand around in the air from where he lay in Remus’ lap. 

“What, me living in your spare bedroom in our mid thirties?” Remus answered cynically. 

“No no, us. Together. Marauder...ing.”

“I’m not sure that’s a word,” Remus replied, taking a swig of Firewhisky. He was beginning to feel its effect again and was eager to numb himself the more Sirius talked about his lost best friend. Crippling self doubts were edging into his subconscious and Remus was tired of feeling like he wasn’t enough for Sirius. 

“It is if I say it is,” Sirius muttered, before looking up at Remus from under dark eyelashes. “Remember our parties? Especially after Quidditch matches, damn those were wild.”

“Didn’t Peter end up licking whipped cream off some Hufflepuff girl once?” Remus recalled as Sirius shuddered and stretched out on his lap.

“Don’t remind me. For multiple reasons. I think that was the same party where I got slapped by Felicity Crane.”

“You always did have a way with women,” Remus sighed. His head was beginning to ache and not just from the alcohol.

“Hey, I’ll have you know, half the girls at Hogwarts were after me,” Sirius said his words slurring slightly, getting a far off look in his eyes.

“Yeah,” Remus replied, remembering it all too well. Sirius going off in some dark corner with a girl one day, then to the greenhouses with another the same night. Watching and pushing away the jealousy, knowing it would never be him. “Do you miss it?” he asked, surprising even himself. He wasn’t sure he wanted the answer either way.

Furrowing his brow, Sirius pondered for a moment. “Nah. I mean it was fun then, but now? I just feel too...too different. I was young, then. Just trying to figure out what I wanted, you know?”

“So you’ve got that all figured out then?” Remus laughed and carded a hand through Sirius’ hair unconsciously. He knew what he wanted, but that was neither here nor there.

“Hardly,” Sirius responded, waving a hand about in the air. “But I know it can’t be found under a girl’s skirt. Too many more important things to worry about these days. Staying safe. Keeping Harry out of harm’s way. The war. You.”

“You don’t ever have to worry about me Sirius. I’m fine. Really.”

Sirius sat up straight, if a bit wobbly, biting his bottom lip before taking a long swig of firewhisky. With a stare that was far more sober than his countenance belied, Sirius looked Remus hard in the eyes.

“But you’re really not. I know you won’t tell me why, but you’re not. I know that much,” Sirius finished before slumping back on couch, rolling his head back to stare at the ceiling. 

They were both silent for a time, lost in their own thoughts. Remus wondered what gave him away, how much Sirius knew about his attraction to him. How he could hide it better in the future. He pondered at what Sirius was thinking about as his friend sat close at his side, what secrets the other man still held as his own.

“What about you?” Sirius said thoughtfully, turning his head toward Remus, his eyes a bit unfocused and red. 

“What about me?” Remus replied, playing dumb as he dreaded the follow up.

“Well, I mean you’ve got to have been dating since I’ve been gone. Anyone I should know about? Not that anyone could ever replace me in your heart of course,” Sirius said, batting his eyes playfully.

Remus laughed even as his chest tightened with those words. Sirius would always be there, a hole in his heart, but that didn’t mean he’d stayed a monk while the other man had been locked away. He’d even tried dating women, and he found it fun and a nice change from constant reminders with men that they were not, in fact, Sirius. But they never got physical and one of them always quickly called it off. At least he could tell Sirius that, more so than the pathetic fumblings in the alleyways of Muggle bars he’d had with dark haired men just to get a taste for what it could have been like with Sirius Black.

“No one special,” Remus said after a long pause. Sirius looked at him to elaborate. “I mean, there were some nice girls, but things never worked out. Between how hard it is for me to find a job, to, well, my lycanthropy. Kind of hard to keep a relationship going when I can’t be around for almost a week of the month. Plus the scars,” Remus said, indicating the most obvious one across his cheek. “Not exactly a turn on.”

“What?” Sirius cried, sitting up and pointing a wobbly finger dramatically at his friend. “Moony, I’ll have you know, you’re a right catch. Scars or not, you’re, I don’t know what kids say these days...a stud? Dreamy?”

“I think they say ‘cute’ a lot,” Remus supplied.

“‘Cute’ doesn’t cover it. And damn you’re fit to boot! I’ve seen those abs, don’t you dare call me a liar! Fuck it, if I were a bird, I’d be all over you!”

“Uh huh,” Remus said, rolling his eyes. Dramatic drunk Sirius could never be taken, well, seriously. 

“You don’t believe me, that I’m just staying this cause I’m your friend, but really it makes it even more attractive how unpretentious you are. Plus you’re smart and hilarious and...oh!”

“Oh what?” Remus asked, furrowing his brows.

“I just thought of it!”

“Go on,” Remus said, taking a long drink from the bottle to steel himself.

“Of what you are to me! I remember, you got all hurt like a kicked puppy when I said you weren’t a brother to me like James. But now I know what you are! Moony you’re my chocolate!”

“Huh?” Remus was blindsided and had no idea how to take this odd revelation even as Sirius jumped up from the couch.

“You’re chocolate! You make me feel better when I’m down, you’re sweet even if a bit bitter sometimes. But you’re always there for me, like chocolate.”

“That...might--no definitely--is the most romantic thing anyone’s ever said to me,” Remus said completely gobsmacked.

The light quickly left Sirius’ eyes as he sunk back on to the cushions, leaning close beside Remus, one arm behind him on the back of the couch. 

“Remus that’s...that’s so sad,” Sirius said, his beautiful face far too close for Remus to deal with as he leaned away, ducking his head.

Swallowing the pain of his own words, Remus shrugged and looked down at his hands where they clasped his beer tightly. He hated the pity he saw in Sirius’ eyes and willed it away with nonchalance.

“That’s just how it is Sirius. It doesn’t have to be sad unless we make it so.”

“But Remus, don’t you get it?” Sirius said, edging somehow closer. “You deserve so much better. You’re...Moony you’re a better man than I ever was. Hell you’re even better than James and he somehow was able to snag Lily.”

Remus chuckled despite himself.

“Really, Moony, I’m not just saying that. We were...well we were bullies. And rather snobbish at times. You were never like that, you’re so kind and smart and you really care about people. I just...I think you deserve to be happy.”

Remus looked up finally, seeing Sirius’ face so close to his own, eyes shining with conviction, lips wet and so perfectly kissable. He felt his head sway forward, pulled as if by an imperceptible magic, before he was able to reer back, shaking it off even as his cheeks reddened. When Sirius’ eyes widened Remus ducked his head once again, muttering under his breath. “Sorry, kind of tipsy.”

“Yeah,” Sirius replied softly, “Me too.”

Despite his admission, Remus took another sip. Anything to not meet and fall into those eyes once again. What Sirius must think of him, he didn’t wish to know. He hoped his friend attributed the quick dip of his head to nothing more than the alcohol taking its toll and not the very real need Remus currently had to kiss the mouth that had uttered such beautiful words to him. 

“Really Sirius. I’m okay alone. I don’t…” Remus began before he was cut off.  
“Shut up!” Sirius shouted, grabbing Remus by the shoulder and turning him to face the intensity of his stare. “Just...don’t. Don’t say you don’t deserve love. Because you do. Okay?” 

Remus felt his eyes sting as his throat tightened. There was no way for Sirius to know how much those words meant to him, yet how much they hurt coming from the man he’d loved almost his entire life. That Sirius wanted him to be happy, to find love, but having no notion it could possibly be with him was almost the most painful curse imaginable. 

“Okay,” Remus replied when he could speak again. As Sirius cocked an eyebrow at him, Remus could tell his friend didn’t believe his placation, but he was not quite up to acting his way out of this one. 

“Okay,” he said once more for emphasis, realizing his words too were becoming slurred. “Why’d this have to become so serious. I thought we were trying to forget our troubles.”

“What else do we have left?” asked Sirius pointedly. 

“Don’t be so damn maudlin,” Remus ordered, sitting up and looking Sirius in the eye. “I have you back, alright? Before, I had no one. I was alone, the last Marauder. So just shut up and let me find some enjoyment in life, alright?”

Sirius was quiet for a bit, stunned to silence. His eyes looked watery, wether from alcohol or some other emotions, Remus didn’t know. At the moment Remus didn’t care. He shook his head and took another shot that burned like fire down his raw throat. When he opened his eyes, there were long fingers laced with his own.

“I...I don’t know how to do this,” Sirius finally said, gripping Remus’ hand tight. 

Remus leaned forward, confused, drunk and very ready for anything. “What do you mean?”

“This,” Sirius indicated, waving his free hand in the air before looking back at Remus. “Living. A normal life. I don’t know how.”

“Oh,” Remus sat back. Disappointed but not surprised. His life was filled with moments of almost kissing Sirius Black. “Well, that’s why I’m here,” he said after a minute, squeezing Sirius’ fingers back, his mind more sobered by Sirius’ words than any magical potion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Sostrata for the amazing idea of having Remus be Sirius’ chocolate <3


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius throws a bit of a fit when Remus isn't around for his birthday but what exactly is this new mission Dumbledore is sending him on?

"So let me get this straight," Sirius grumbled in exasperation. "Dumbledore is sending you on a mission. On my birthday."

Remus looked over at him with so much patience it made Sirius want to scream. He simply did not understand why Remus was not as outraged as he was. This was his first birthday home since Azkaban, and damn it he wanted to celebrate, even if he was cooped up in this blasted mausoleum of a house. 

"It's only a date, we can celebrate once I'm back," Remus said evenly, his brow furrowed as he attempted to make Sirius see sense. Only when the other man took a tentative step forward did Sirius realize that he had inadvertently backed Remus up against the fireplace from where he'd moments before stepped out with this earth shattering news. Shaking off his overly aggressive behavior, Sirius gave way the ground he had previously stolen and flopped down on the ghastly green couch with a sigh.

"Fuck Dumbledore," Sirius muttered, his eyes staring at nothing, narrowed in anger. 

"Sirius..."

"Don't. Just don't. Let me be mad Remus. If it's not at him it'll be at you."

"Fine. Whatever." Remus narrowed his eyes and turned on his heel, making his way upstairs. Sirius didn’t blame him one bit. He barely wanted to be around himself in this current mood.

Though Sirius knew he was taking his anger out on the wrong person, the only person who was there for him, but he couldn't be bothered to care. He hadn't been given much in this new life, so he clung to what happiness he did have. Having any of that minuscule amount of joy taken away, having Remus taken away, was just unbearable. And on his goddamn birthday no less.

He stewed in silence for a bit, then went into the kitchen to throw some antique plates at the wall. If Remus heard --honestly how could he not-- the other man didn't bother to check on him. Which was fine, Sirius didn't want Remus around right now anyway, especially if he was going to leave so soon. It would be even better if Remus moved out all together, Sirius thought. Then the wait would be over. Everyone would have left and Sirius could stop anticipating his inevitable perpetual loneliness. 

He threw more plates. 

When he ran out of satisfaction at the thought of some ancient relative’s broken dinnerware, Sirius cast a hasty reparo over his shoulder and made his way to the cupboard for a snack. He found some crisps tucked next to Remus' powdered cocoa and decide to show a slight ounce of maturity and make his friend an I'm-sorry drink. 

Hot chocolate in hand, Sirius tromped up the stairs, throwing a crisp at his great aunt's glaring portrait just for funsies. He was sure Kreacher would have a fit when he found crumbs all over the precious antique rug, but that would be amusing to watch too. Knocking was overrated, so Sirius let himself into Remus' room without a care. He spent almost as much time here as Remus did, and couldn't be bothered to knock each time.

From the couch, nose in book, Remus raised an imperceptible glance up before lowering his eyes. Nice, Sirius thought. Just see if I give you this cocoa now.

All liquid grace, Sirius folded his long limbs onto the couch beside his friend and began to slurp loudly and make appreciative noises at what was once Remus' drink. Noticing that Remus was doing anything but noticing him back, Sirius edged closer, waving the drink around to get that chocolate smell into the werewolf's nostrils.

"Remind me, do you want to be alone or annoy me by spilling cocoa all over? Please just pick one," Remus said finally, still not looking up.

"But you know I love both, don't make me choose," Sirius said dramatically, wafting the hot chocolate nearer. 

"If this isn't an apology chocolate, it's going to be a lap chocolate soon," Remus threatened, his gaze narrowing from Sirius’ cupped hands to crotch.

“Hollow words my friend,” Sirius tisked, “but I’ll allow you to forgive me with this decadent peace offering.”

Eyes rolling toward the ceiling, Remus seemed either about ready to fold or give up his ghost from this mortal world. Sirius was happy to witness the former as long scared fingers grabbed the cup from his own, brushing softly along them in the process. Remus could never stay mad at him for long, a trait Sirius was not quite sure was due more to his natural charisma or Remus’ monk-like pacificity.

“I still have to leave you know,” Remus said after a long sip. 

Sirius’ face fell. Right. That. “Where is he sending you?”

“Don’t know,” Remus said, staring at his own small chocolaty reflection. A marshmallow floated across his eyes.

“Not this bullshit again,” Sirius said angrily. It was the same then. Just like before, when Remus went on missions for Dumbledore and no one knew where or what he was doing. When the seeds of mistrust had begun to sprout and plague their friendship like weeds choking a garden. 

“If I knew, I’d tell you,” Remus said, looking to his side. And for some reason this time around Sirius trusted him. But he was still allowed to be angry.

“The full’s in three days,” Sirius said softly. As if Remus needed reminding. He knew the werewolf could feel its pull deep in his bones, yet it had to be said. The last thing he wanted was Remus out where he couldn’t care for him.

“Yep.”

“So you’ll be back by then?” Sirius asked hesitantly.

“Dumbledore said it should be a one day job. Briefing tomorrow morning, back by the next.”

“I don’t like it,” Sirius muttered, grabbing a bobbing marshmallow and stuffing it in his mouth.

“Ew. And also tough shit. I’ll be fine. I always am,” Remus said, setting the drink down. 

“You want something stronger?” Sirius asked, eying the barely sipped cocoa. It was so incredibly unlike Remus to leave anything chocolate unfinished that Sirius was positive his friend was far from ‘fine.’

“Can’t,” Remus replied exhaustedly. “Dumbledore said to meet him at 6 am.”

“Wait...hold on,” Sirius said, “There’s a six...in the morning?”

Remus let out a snort before he could help himself. “Tosser.”

“But for real...Moony. I don’t get to see you at all on my birthday?”

“I mean,” Remus scratched the back of his neck, “technically yes. But I’d have to blow your mind by telling you there’s a five in the morning during which I’ll be waking and…”

Determination mixed with just a dash of insanity in Sirius’ mind as he righted himself from the couch and threw himself onto Remus’ bed. “Shut off the damn lights, I’m trying to sleep here.”

“Uh,” Remus’ perplexed tone barely met Sirius ears as he burrowed under the covers. “It’s only nine…”

“In the evening? Good god man, haven’t you heard I have to be up by five?”

* * *

It rightly was an ungodly hour when Sirius awoke, but after rubbing his eyes and stumbling out of bed he was able to grab his robe and make for the kitchen. Sirius had just popped some toast with jam on plates and was frying bacon when Remus came downstairs fully dressed, suitcase in hand.

“I underestimated you,” Remus said, plopping down in one of the overly ornate emerald kitchen chairs. 

“A common misconception,” Sirius said over his shoulder as he finished their breakfast. He flicked his wand at the coffee pot and it poured out two steaming cups. Not about to be outdone Remus levitated them over to the table as Sirius brought over the bacon. 

“It’s not everyone who gets a birthday boy to make them breakfast,” Sirius continued, grabbing the most burnt pieces for himself. Partly because he liked them best and partly because Remus didn’t. 

“Happy Birthday Sirius,” Remus said with a small smile, nudging his foot beneath the table. The action made him feel strangely warm inside. Or maybe it was the burnt breakfast. 

“What, no present?” Sirius pouted.

Shaking his head, Remus took his time eating an entire piece of toast, keeping Sirius in suspense while he chewed like a proper human being.

“It’s upstairs. Open it later,” he said, reaching a hand to grab Sirius’ wrist as he made to dart from the table. 

“Yeah, alright,” Sirius conceded. 

“It’s not much but...I hope you’ll like it,” Remus said, suddenly nervous. It made Sirius all the more curious. Then he realized Remus’ hand was still on his wrist and he wondered why his friend hadn’t removed it. Maybe he was lost in thought as well. When Remus saw him staring he quickly snatched it away. 

“Anyway, I’d best be off,” he said, standing from his half finished breakfast. 

Sirius wished he could protest, but he knew Remus had to leave. Now, five minutes from now, it didn’t make much of a difference. He’d be alone all the same. 

“Right then. Don’t get yourself hurt. Or killed. Not on my birthday,” Sirius said, standing and following Remus to the fireplace.

“I’ll be sure to do that tomorrow instead,” Remus said rhyly. 

“Just...just be safe,” Sirius said softly. His body turned slightly away, Remus gave Sirius a look that almost broke his heart. It was the same sad smile that never quite reached his eyes, a slight tilt to his head as he bit his lip like he was suppressing all the unspoken words that were eaten up by the silence between them.

For the life of him he didn’t know why he did it. Something came over Sirius in that moment, something that felt so right and completely necessary to his entire being. He regretted it the moment his lips touched Remus’ own, when the other man pulled away in shock, eyes wide, touching at his mouth as if burned. 

“Shit Moony I…”

And then Remus was kissing him back. Arms flung over his shoulders as Remus pulled him deep, warm lips pressed to his own as all the air escaped Sirius’ lungs. Sirius couldn’t for the life of him remember if this was how all kisses felt. Strange, warm, filling him with overwhelming anxiety and making his heart pound in his chest. It had been well over a decade since he’d done this, and his lips seemed to have forgotten the mechanics as he stood there in shock. After a moment Remus seemed to catch on and his enthusiasm waned, the air against his neck and lips felt chilly as his friend released him and backed up a step. 

“I’m not surprised that you picked the most inopportune moment to kiss me,” Remus said with a frown. 

“At least it wasn’t right before I went off to Azkaban for twelve years,” Sirius said, trying to relieve the tension as he scratched the back of his neck. Damn it, he had no idea why he did that, other than it had just felt right. But now it felt strange and awkward like he couldn’t quite remember how their friendships worked. Like he’d just broken something priceless and irreplaceable and no amount of magic could return it to its previous state. 

Remus looked at him curiously as if awaiting an explanation.

“Would you believe me if I said I don’t know why I did that?” Sirius said after far too much silence ate the precious moments between them.

Tension hung in the air like a magic spell that Sirius wished he could dissipate as Remus gave him an unreadable expression. Not that Sirius could decipher his own cryptic thoughts at the moment, but he’d hoped one of them could at least bring some level of adulthood to the conversation. 

“I believe you,” Remus said with a sigh then turned toward the fireplace. “Happy Birthday Sirius.”

And with that he was gone in a puff of green smoke. Sirius’ mouth hung open. It seemed so final, so forced, so unlike Remus. Not that Remus was an open book, but he’d never simply run away before. No, that was much more Sirius’ forte. Sirius did not like being on the receiving end of it one bit.

He watched the fireplace for a bit, wishing Remus to reappear, get some kind of dialogue going. Perhaps talking it through would help him to understand why he’d done it, why he’d kissed his best friend. And then, of course, why Remus had kissed him back. Passionately.

With a furrowed brow, Sirius took a seat on the couch. Now that had been odd. A moment of shock before Remus practically threw himself at Sirius. Not the normal reaction to being kissed by your best friend, even if they both were sleep deprived at six in the morning. It was rather curious.

Sirius pondered for a bit with no forthcoming answers before going back upstairs to change out of his pajamas and robe. Automatically he made his way to Remus’ room before remembering his closet wasn’t here, but then he saw the package on the bed. Remus’ gift was wrapped in simple brown parchment with no card or label. Taking a seat on the bedside, Sirius ripped off the paper, revealing the large book inside. 

As he turned the first page Sirius smiled, realizing it was some sort of magical scrapbook Remus had put together. Each page was filled with moving pictures from their childhood and teenage years, old notes passed in class, parchment filled with ideas for pranks and random memorabilia from Hogwarts. There was an old Honeydukes wrapper and below a photo of the surprise birthday the Marauders had thrown for Remus’ twelth, a burnt scrap of Remus’ tie from one of many brewing accidents, dried ingredients from many potions they’d secretly made in the common room, and even a photo of James running around the dorm completely nude accompanied by a note asking for an explanation to this incident which Sirius had said he’d take to his grave. He chuckled and turned the page, seeing more photos, often with Lily, mostly glaring over at James or rolling her eyes. There was a note from her pleading Remus to tell James to bugger off, a piece of Christmas wrap covered in bedecked centaurs, and a feather from a pink quill Sirius remembered putting under Snape’s chair for him to sit upon that turned his robes the color of bubblegum. 

Sirius could not believe Remus had saved all this. It was an incredible reminder of how much their friendship had meant to him, and how much he had lost in a single night. Touched, Sirius didn’t quite believe he deserved this. He flipped longingly through memory after memory, some good and some not so good. There was a note Sirius had written Remus asking for forgiveness after the prank and several photos that included Peter which angered Sirius to look upon. But more often than not the moments were ones he was happy to relive surrounded by the love of his best friends.

One of the last photos was of them at their last Halloween Ball. James was attempting to flatten his messy hair while Lily stood beside him shaking her head but with so much love in her eyes that it made Sirius’ chest tighten. Peter looked nervous next to Mary McDonald at he picked at his nails and gave a forced smile for the camera. Sirius stood next to his date, though now he could not even recall her name, grinning between her and James at his side. Then there was Remus. He remembered his friend deciding to go stag to the party, refusing to even ask a girl along, saying it was easier this way, safer in the long run. So Remus stood alone beside Sirius’ date, hands in the pockets of his worn dress robes and giving a tight smile for the camera. And then Sirius saw it. He saw the way his friend glanced over, past Sirius’ date to himself. The sad look in his eyes, the resignation in a single glance, and it all made perfect sense. He’d seen that look before: when Lily had told Snape they were no longer friends; when McGonagall had briefly mentioned her first heartbreaking love for a muggle man, and of course each time James was turned down by Lily. He knew exactly what it meant. Remus was fucking in love with him. 

“Well shit,” Sirius said aloud as all the pieces fell into place. Remus’ refusal to date, his coldness toward every one of Sirius’ girlfriends, the way he never talked about anyone he was interested in, and then of course that incredibly passionate kiss that morning. 

Sirius realized he was an oblivious fool for never seeing it before. More than anything it hurt that his friend had been suffering silently all these years. He wondered why Remus had never said a word. Perhaps he hadn’t wanted to ruin their friendship, or maybe he worried that Sirius would turn him down or be homophobic. Which was silly, though Sirius hadn’t actually had any relationships with other men, he certainly found them attractive enough. The fact that he’d dated women was mostly out of convenience and ease during a time in his life where being out would have caused him a world of problems, from his family especially. Now he didn’t rightly care what others thought of him, twelve years in Azkaban will do that to you, but he hadn’t exactly been in a mindset to think about dating or craved sex or any type of intimacy other than friendship. 

Healing had been his main priority, or at least it had until he had apparently reflexively kissed Remus that morning. What a weird birthday this was turning out to be.

Apparently his brain decided it was time for a nap because Sirius startled awake suddenly in the late afternoon. He fixed himself a meal, found a note left by Dumbledore’s owl saying “Happy Birthday” accompanied by a box of lemon drops and some sort of doll with bright pointed hair and a jewel in its belly. Sirius gave it a look, wondering if it would suddenly come to life, but after ten minutes of observation he simply shrugged and put it on a kitchen shelf to scare Kretcher. 

By nightfall he was bored out of his mind and getting more depressed by the minute. He’d promised himself not to drink but broke that promise by five thirty. The night passed in a drunken hike around the house where he fought at least one ghost and scared himself with the weird doll before challenging Krecher to a wizard duel. Luckily the grumpy house elf had experience with drunk Blacks and put Sirius to bed where he didn’t awaken till mid day.

Sirius awoke with pounding headache and only faint memories of the previous night. A potion and a nap later and he was relatively recovered but then he realized it was afternoon and Remus still wasn’t home. 

“Where the hell is Remus?” Sirius yelled into the fire at Dumbledore’s disembodied head. 

“Calm yourself Sirius,” the older wizard cautioned. He contacted me this morning. Nothing to fear, it’s just going to be another day. 

Sirius didn’t like it one bit. And he liked it even less when the next day Remus still had not returned. 

“If you’d just tell me where he is, maybe I can help Remus on this mission,” Sirius had said to Dumbledore through the fire.

“You know I can’t do that, it would endanger him more.”

“But tonight’s the full moon,” Sirius said in exasperation. “Whatever mission he’s on, being in that state is not going to help. I...we need him back now before he turns.”

“While I agree with you…”

“No. Look he hasn’t even got his wolfsbane, he’s going to be a right mess tonight. A dangerous beast even if he’s not rightly contained. And why did the mission have to be now, why couldn’t it have waited?”

“The vampires insisted…” Dumbledore said before clamping his mouth shut.

Well that was interesting. A werewolf off to, what, make peace with the vampires? Sirius was shocked.

“Sirius, whatever you’re thinking, don’t,” Dumbledore warned.

“You’re really willing to risk it? A bunch of dead...more dead vampires on your hands? Or even humans?”

“I have full faith that Remus will return before he changes,” Dumbledore said confidently.

“And if he doesn’t? What’s the grand contingency plan to get Remus out?”

For once Dumbledore appeared unsure. 

“Thought so,” Sirius said, and before Dumbledore could say a word he ended their conversation and grabbed for the floo powder.

“The Weasley home,” Sirius shouted before he disappeared in a cloud of green flames.

He was immediately greeted by Molly shoving a wand in his cheek. “If you dare...oh Sirius. Sorry dear,” she said with a shrug. Shaking slightly Sirius was immensely glad to not be her enemy.

“Why ever are you here, aren’t you to stay in hiding?”

“Molly I need your help. Well mostly Arthur’s help. He still at work?” Sirius asked emphatically.

“Of course, busy time of year and all. I’ll just floo him and see when he’ll return,” she said kindly.

“Actually, I need him to find something there at the Ministry. It’s a bit of a rush so…”

“Oh, well let me just…” Molly popped her head into the fire and stated her husband’s name. 

“Why hello there Daniel,” Sirius heard her say, “My husband in? No? Be a dear and have him floo once he’s back. Thanks.”

Molly turned from the fire and whipped a bit of soot off her cheek. “Sorry dear, he’s not in. Is there anything I can do?”

Sirius shook his head and took to pacing the floor. After a minute Molly stopped him. “You’d best explain it to me Sirius, can’t have you sticking your head in the floo at the Ministry of Magic now can we?”

So Sirius did. Molly gnawed at her lower lip but didn’t seem quite as worried as Sirius. 

“Well that’s troubling,” she said by the end. Sirius nodded before rising to pace again. Molly tried the floo once more but with no success. It was late and much too close to moonrise by the time Arthur finally stuck his head through their fireplace.

“Everything alright dear? Sorry late night,” Arthur said and Sirius hid out of sight as Molly made her way toward the fireplace. 

“We have a...guest Arthur. One who's got a request of you,” Molly explained.

Sirius could hear Molly explain the situation in vague terms but that combined with the gravity in her tone seemed to convey the necessity of his actions. Excusing himself, Arthur was gone for almost an hour before returning. By then it was well beyond moonrise and Sirius was on the verge of having a breakdown. Remus was out there, changed, in pain, possibly putting others in danger, and here he was sitting on a bloody mauve sofa. 

“I don’t have a precise location,” Arthur said, stepping from the fireplace, “But the British vampire coven is located somewhere in this area.” He handed a map to Molly before turning toward Sirius. 

“Thought it must be you,” he said, stepping forward to give Sirius a hug. Sirius stepped back after and nodded his thanks. 

“Is Remus in danger?” 

Sirius shook his head. “I don’t know. It can’t be good though, the full’s tonight and he’s surrounded by bloody vampires.”

“Do you need an extra hand?” Sirius could see the hesitation mixed with Gryffindor bravery in Arthur’s furrowed brow. But the last thing he wanted was to put the man in danger once again. 

“I’ve got this. Stealthier with only one and all,” Sirius said, swallowing back his own fear.

“Send me a patronus if you get in a pinch,” Molly said, wand drawn. “We’ll be there.”

Sirius was grateful for their courage. He hoped it wouldn’t come to it. “I will. Thanks again, to both of you.”

“Bring him back safe love,” Molly said before enveloping him in a tight hug. Sirius only hoped he could.

It took Sirius hours to find their lair. He’d sat at a muggle pub mining for gosip for hours before anyone let slip about the strange house on the hill that was rumored to be haunted. Then of course he got lost, a feat Sirius was quite certain was due to some sort of confounding spell used to hide the Vampire’s location. Even his patronus seemed unsure, long snout doubling back and forth between the trees as the ethereal dog searched out Remus, randomly appearing from behind when Sirius was sure he’d seen it dart ahead. Sirius was on high alert for traps and warded his presence as much as possible but the trek still took hours as the sun began to lighten the eastern sky in warm hues. 

When the building suddenly appeared before Sirius, he stopped dead in his tracks. He must have crossed some sort of invisible barrier in order to see it, for one moment he was alone on a wooded hill, and the next the shadowed trees suddenly gave way to a strangely modern home. No light shown from inside, not exactly abnormal for five in the morning, but nevertheless setting Sirius’ senses on edge. Slowly Sirius walked up the steps, wand at the ready. A wordless “alohomora” unlocked the heavy wooden door. Despite the modern facade, the place smelled ancient, disused, like old books left out in the rain. Sadly, Sirius realized Remus would enjoy that under less dire circumstances. Instead a sense of fear palpitated his heart, permeated his veins and made his palm sweat around the tightly gripped wand. Something was wrong. Very very wrong. 

The pale dawn light did little to illuminate the home’s interior as he peered within, vague shapes in the grey, furniture, paintings, everyday objects yet every last one a potential threat. He wavered, wishing for light and at the same time not wishing to alert the inhabitants to his presence with an obvious lumos. Anxiety riddled his every moment, fear of what he might find, fear of what lay hidden. 

There were vampires within, whether hidden in the shadows beyond the light or asleep in their coffins Sirius did not know. He’d never seen one before, and only vague recollections of textbook theories and human superstitions came to mind. But Sirius figured whatever curses worked on men could work on the undead. Well other than “avada kedavra.” He wasn’t quite sure you could kill any creature twice. 

But all that was secondary to his primary goal. Remus was here, somewhere, probably in pain, needing his help. That thought spurned him forward, across the threshold enough to peek his head further inside. Sirius swallowed, his throat parched, breath held at bay along with his sense of self preservation. Then he heard it, faint, but a low groan, pained and familiar. Anguish from a decidedly human throat. Remus had transformed back, yet what price had he paid for tonight? 

Forsaking all caution, Sirius threw himself forward, senses heightened, as he bound inward. He felt his heart leap and he willed it to silence as he listened for a sound, for a direction to follow toward Remus in his desperation. He took another step, bold and steady with a courage he little knew he possessed, away from the door, away from safety. 

He heard nothing, saw no one as he looked about, to the alcoves and recesses within. So normal, so unassuming. As if no one had ever lived in this strange place. Could he be wrong? Was this even the correct house? Yet he’d heard it, or at least he thought he heard Remus’ cry. He took another step. And then another. Nothing moved, nothing stirred. He now saw blank picture frames on the mantle, empty canvases on the walls. Chaires turned to face the edges of the room, flowers dead upon a table. This was no home. Sirius felt goosebumps travel up his arms, his spine tightened in growing dread. Something was wrong. Everything was wrong. Then he heard something, light and wispy. A ghost of a sound, but from all around him.

“Welcome,” came a voice, and Sirius spun on his heels, eyes wide in fear, a spell on his lips. But then there came a crack, and he found only darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I've been so busy with work and drawing for Wolfstar Big Bang! but happy to be writing again, thank you for all your patience! Also huge shout out to Rachel who is the best beta, thank you so much dear I owe you big time!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you Pariya for your incredible artwork, ideas, insights, and late night/early morning insane chats with me about these crazy sons we love so much! If JK ever doesn't want them, we volunteer to adopt these dorks (who are gay, don't tell us otherwise!)


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